Dirty Little Secret
by ishkhanuhi
Summary: Tatsuha's obsession with Eiri and Shuichi's relationship spirals all three down a path of lies, revelations, and other manifestations. Lemon, incest, angst. Ch. 9 - Shuichi senses that Eiri's hiding something, and Eiri all but assures him that he's right.
1. Chapter 1

**[Chapter Rated]**: PG-13ish

**[Chapter Warnings]**: Language

******[Pairings]**: Eiri x Shuichi, Tatsuha x Eiri, Tatsuha x Shuichi, eventual Tatsuha x Eiri x Shuichi? WHO KNOWS. :]

**[Disclaimer]**: The characters in this piece belong to Maki Murakami and co.

**[Author's Notes]**: The timeline is set at some arbitrary time mid-series within the manga/anime. (I'm not really a big fan of timelines) I started this piece several years ago and decided to give it life again, and take it into a new direction. Hope you will be happy with it. :) Title inspired by the song with the same name by The All-American Rejects (a song very fitting to this piece!)

* * *

**Dirty Little Secret**

**-Chapter 1-**

"Honey, I'm hooooooome~!"

Eiri's eyes blinked open, a scowl already finding its way to his face. His lover's shrill greeting woke him from an uneasy but much-needed nap. It was pointless to continue sleeping with the younger boy now home, he knew, and slowly he pushed himself up into a seated position in bed. Eiri could still feel the grit in his eyes, the soreness, and expected to find them still bloodshot. His nasty habit of pulling all-nighters the evening before deadlines was catching up to him in an unpleasant way. Eiri was cracking his sore, overworked knuckles when the bedroom door hesitantly creaked open.

Shuichi's puzzled face lightened up as soon as he took in Eiri's disheveled form sitting in bed. "Yuki, there you are! But geez, you don't look so good. I'm sorry… Did I wake you?"

"Yes, dammit." Eiri was surprised by the gruffness of his own voice. He hadn't gotten nearly enough sleep, but he was too hungry and thirsty to neglect his body's needs any longer. He pulled himself up and shuffled over to the door with the last of his remaining energy.

Shuichi watched him in amusement, stepping aside as Eiri brushed past him. "I told you to stop staying up all night like that! Did Mizuki already come by?"

"Yeah."

"Cool! That's good, that's good…"

Eiri managed to make it to the kitchen, and withdrew a glass from the cabinet to pour himself some water. As he drank with fervor, he noticed Shuichi follow him into the kitchen but remain hidden in the corner. He was looking down at the ground and missing his usual after-work excitement that accompanied being able to spend the evening with Eiri. An almost sad smile was gracing the singer's face. Eiri allowed the uncomfortable silence to stretch on for a bit longer as he replenished himself of fluids, but eventually put them both out of misery by acknowledging Shuichi's odd behavior. "Okay, what happened?"

In a flash, Shuichi was on his knees at Eiri's feet, gripping his pant leg with large, glassy eyes that threatened to shed tears. The novelist groaned inside. A headache had began in his left temple several hours earlier and was again making its presence known as Shuichi started rushing to speak. "Oh Yuki, I have some wonderful news and some _terrible_ news! I don't know how to break this to you!"

"Just get on with it."

"Bad Luck is having a major breakthrough! I could potentially solidify my career and make us big, _international_ stars!"

"Oh, poor you."

"No, Yuki, that was the wonderful news. The terrible news is that to do this, we're scheduled to go on tour with Nittle Grasper all through Europe!"

"And where does this news get terrible?"

Shuichi gnawed on his lip. Eiri resisted the temptation to gnaw on his own. Shuichi overdramaticized _everything_, and was making him nervous before he even heard the rest! He grew irritated as his lover beat around the bush, and opened his mouth to say something in annoyance before Shuichi finally fessed up. "The tour… is for three months."

At first, Eiri felt a flutter of something like relief in his heart. Bad Luck and Nittle Grasper on tour for three months, on the other end of the continent? Tohma Seguchi and Shuichi Shindou, the two banes of his existence, out of his hair for a whole three months! Eiri found the news anything _but_ terrible. "Congratulations and _bon voyage_."

"Yuki!"

"What?"

"Three months is a long time! Aren't you going to miss me?"

"Hell no. I'm going to drink all day and party all night."

Shuichi frowned. He knew better by now than to take Eiri's banter seriously, but the other was just being ridiculous and he knew it. "You jerk! So you want a vacation from me that bad, huh?"

"Couldn't hurt." Eiri smirked to himself, already picturing himself sitting on his balcony with a cigarette and a good book in complete silence and solitude.

"Well, fine… but I don't want you to be all alone for that long! Hey, wait… Would you like to come with us!"

Sputtering on his water, Eiri set his glass in the sink with a horrified expression. He'd still be able to have regular sex, which wouldn't be bad at all, but he'd have to put up with being in close quarters with people he could hardly stand. "_God no_!"

"Are you sure? _Yuki~_… What will you do? It's not like you have any friends to go hang out with. Maybe you should visit your family in Kyoto if you're bored?"

Eiri turned to glare at him. "Screw you! And quit worrying about me."

"But I _do_ worry about you, Yuki. You're too much of a hermit. Seriously, if it wasn't for me, you'd be so bored, am I right?"

"Drop dead."

"It's true!"

The older man brushed past Shuichi again, antsy to prepare dinner and relieve the pangs of his empty stomach. His head continued throbbing. Eiri felt like roadkill. He was sure he looked like it, too. "So when do you leave?"

Shuichi watched him with a curious eye. Eiri looked rather pale under the dim lighting of the kitchen, and the slight shaking of his hands was not lost on Shuichi either. He moved closer to his lover to assist him. Eiri was such a mess. He'd been struggling with writer's block for what seemed like the entire duration of his latest novel, and understood how much of a toll it took on him, but seeing the effects now were difficult. How could Shuichi leave him in this state! "Two days from now…"

"Hm, that's rather short notice. Were you originally planning on skipping town without telling me?" He allowed Shuichi to help him gather dinner materials.

"No, no! Not at all. Not like _you_ would, anyway." Shuichi smirked and laughed off the muffled "whatever" from the other, whose head was in the fridge. "I guess I just didn't want to face the facts."

When Eiri moved to set his groceries on the counter and free his hands, Shuichi leaped into them, enveloping the novelist into his arms with a tight squeeze. Eiri's exhausted body nearly doubled over with the sudden weight of the younger male hanging on. "Get off me. I can't do this right now."

"You look like hell. Are you okay?"

"That's how you look every day."

"No way, bastard!"

"Why are you mother-henning me? Go away!"

"I can't! I'm savoring my last moments with you!"

"Get real. Once you get there, you'll have so much fun, you'll forget all about me."

"No chance! I'll blow your phone up every day! It'll be like I never left!"

"What! You better not. Good riddance!"

"But Yuki, I'm…" Shuichi's mood changed in an instant. His eyes darkened as they fell to the floor again. "I'm going to miss you sooooo much! This is the first time we've been apart this long since… since _ever_! What ever will I do without you!"

"Will you stop talking that way? You said it yourself. This is something you need to do for your career, so suck it up and get to packing your bags while I make dinner."

Shuichi nodded solemnly and pulled away, exiting the kitchen with heavy footsteps. Eiri sighed.

Now that he thought about it, alone with his own thoughts while he diced vegetables, three months _was_ a long time to be away.

* * *

Two days later, Shuichi's mood about the tour hadn't improved. The singer loaded his belongings into the trunk of Eiri's car before settling into the passenger seat and buckling in, Eiri already seated behind the wheel of the idling car. The ride to the airport was long due to traffic, and the silence was irritating to no end. When Shuichi was miserable, everyone was miserable! Eiri fidgeted in his seat, feeling that he had to come up with something.

Shuichi flipped on the radio at one point and sang along to a few of the popular songs, futilely trying to cheer himself up. This tour was the best thing that ever happened to his career, so why couldn't he feel excited about it? As much as he ached to hop on the bus that Hiro, Suguru, and his producers were carpooling in to go to the airport, where everyone would be talking over each other and pouring over their itinerary excitedly, Shuichi insisted Eiri drive him to the airport so he could spend his precious last moments with him.

"Will you shut up?"

Shuichi's voice died on his lips mid-verse, and he turned his head to find a very disgruntled Eiri staring ahead at the road. "Wha?"

"You'll be singing for three months straight. Spare me the preview, moron."

"Hey! I was just relaxing! No need to be rude!"

"Well, your efforts to relax are driving me up the wall."

"Don't be a dick, Eiri."

The novelist's lips twitched as Shuichi addressed him by his name. He had to try harder…

"Yuki, I'm sorry again for leaving you alone for three months!" Shuichi blurted out, surprising Eiri out of his reverie. "I'll miss you soooo much! I'll… I'll send you postcards from every city we visit! I'll promise to call you every night! Even if it's late! Well, unless you don't want me to wake you. You looked terrible the other day after your all-nighter, to be honest… See, you can't even take care of yourself with me here. I can't imagine what you'll do to yourself with me gone!"

"You are a freakin' piece of work… I got along fine without you before you pushed your way into my life, and I'll get along fine without you now! And don't bother with the postcards. You know they just go in the trash anyway…"

"But Yuki, I – "

"Enough."

"Yuki, will you _listen_ to – "

"We're here."

"Huh?" Shuichi steered his eyes out the window to find themselves at his airport terminal. He could already see the back of Hiro's head breezing through baggage checks. He flipped back around, a sense of panic in his voice now. "Yuki, I'll call you tonight! I promise!" Reluctantly, he pushed open his car door and got out.

Eiri parked and did the same, moving around his vehicle to pull out Shuichi's bags. Shuichi was still yammering beside him. "When we land in Paris, I'll call you right away to let you know I'm safe! And don't worry, you know I'll be thinking of you every day! No French guy is gonna sweep me off my feet!"

Eiri found himself chuckling as he snapped his trunk closed, all bags now at Shuichi's feet. "Like you could really pull off a stunt like that."

The singer frowned, puzzled. "What do you mean!"

"Like you would actually have the balls to cheat on me."

"Are you saying I'm not _attractive_ enough?"

"I'm saying that it's not your style."

"Oh yeah? Who says! You're being awfully cocky!" Shuichi shoved a finger at Eiri's chest to make a point. "You _should_ be worried, you know! Europe might _love_ me!"

"Not if they have any brains."

"Yuki, stop being so mean! This is our romantic farewell moment!"

"Then why am I so happy?"

"Because you're a jerk!"

Eiri could already hear K and Sakano in the distance calling for Shuichi. An unfamiliar ache in his chest brought him the realization that he was casting his last looks upon Shuichi for a long time. And he was also running out of time to make Shuichi hate him. He had to think of something fast or –

"Yuki, will you miss me?"

Blinking with surprise, the novelist looked down at Shuichi's crestfallen face. He had his duffel bag already on his shoulder, but the younger male made no move to pull away, clearly reluctant to leave. He hated seeing Shuichi this sad, and he hated how his heart was hurting in this weird way, and he hated what he had to do next because he knew he was ruining everything. "To be honest, not really."

Shuichi's face fell before him, not expecting such a blunt and hurtful response. He didn't say anything for a long while, turning their conversation over again and again in his mind, wondering where they went wrong. He had stopped singing in the car after Eiri told him to shut up! What else did he do to make him so angry? Shuichi did nothing but love and dote on him relentlessly for the past two days to ease their transition apart! Apparently, Eiri was mad at him for something, because as Shuichi looked desperately in the other's face for a sign that he'd just been joking as Eiri's retorts often were, he only found a steely glare, and Shuichi realized with a stab to his heart that Eiri had been dead serious. "B-but… but…"

Twisting his face in anger, Shuichi exploded, several passersby startled by the unexpected exchange. "You're such an asshole! I thought you were just joking when you said you wanted a vacation from me! Now I know you were fucking serious!" Shuichi's fingers locked the handle of his overstuffed suitcase in a death grip. "I thought we were over this, Eiri! I don't know what I did to make you mad at me that you would spoil our romantic farewell, but all I have to say to that is, fuck you! If you want me to go so badly, I _will_!"

Eiri blinked, unphased at the outburst, and watched as Shuichi ran off, his luggage ungracefully bouncing behind him. Once he stood alone at the curb, he felt his throat tighten in a painful way. With trembling fingers, Eiri pulled open the door of his car and collapsed back in his seat. Shuichi hadn't even kissed him goodbye. Not even a hug. But, he hadn't deserved them.

It was a ploy Eiri often used on the singer. Shuichi became _distraught_ whenever leaving Eiri's side, so Eiri purposely started arguments just to get Shuichi angry, if only to make the boy more comfortable with leaving him. With the frequency of times Eiri used this tactic, he was surprised Shuichi hadn't yet caught on, and still took him seriously. At least now he wasn't going to mope around on the plane.

And as he pulled back onto the highway to head home, alone, he wondered which novel he would pick up to start reading when he got there. Peace and relaxation were his for the taking! But the ache in his chest hadn't subsided. He didn't like leaving Shuichi when they were on bad terms, but it had been necessary nonetheless.

* * *

Eiri groaned loudly as he tossed and turned in bed, unable to get comfortable. It was just after one in the afternoon, and he couldn't bring himself to start the day. With his manuscript sent off and nothing to work on for a while, he'd exhausted all his chores the first few days of being alone. All his laundry was washed and neatly pressed, dry cleaning picked up, kitchen cleaned, floors mopped, and even bookshelves rearranged.

Rolling over onto Shuichi's side of the bed, the light-eyed male glared up at the ceiling. Shuichi's side was cold, unslept in. Well, _duh_. Shuichi had been gone a little over a week now. Only eleven more to go, right?

True to his word, Shuichi called him as soon as their plane landed in Paris, but his greeting was curt, emotional, and very brief. Shuichi was still angry, that was for sure, and called only to relay their hotel information to Eiri before he "needed to go get some things done". Eiri understood the other's tone of voice. Over the past year, their relationship had been progressing uneasily, and they still fought often, and profanity was often exchanged. Eiri learned to recognize this after some time as what was normal for the two of them. Shuichi would be back to cooing him through the phone soon enough.

That day had come only after two days of their telephone cold war. Shuichi apologized profusely for yelling at him and calling him names, and begged to be forgiven, coating the teary speech with "I love you"s and "I already miss you"s. And then Shuichi proceeded to blow up his phone each day as promised, but as the days progressed, his habit of calling dwindled down to just once every other day as Shuichi clearly became busier with his concerts.

Even Tohma called him after he and Shuichi made up, only to express his disappointment that Eiri hadn't come into the airport and wished him farewell before they boarded the plane, but understood his reasons once Shuichi had stormed into the gate area throwing things and swearing. Eiri listened on with amusement as Tohma described how airport security apprehended their group for making a scene and threatened to kick them out before Tohma put them all in their places. K apparently slipped something into Shuichi's complimentary champagne once they boarded first class and his little rock star had slept soundly for the rest of the flight.

Through these calls, learning what Shuichi was doing, who he was meeting, and how he was enjoying Europe became part of Eiri's day-to-day activities, and he couldn't help himself from anticipating his next call. In the meantime, Eiri noticed with a sickening feeling that he had indeed become bored without Shuichi around, just as Shuichi said he would.

He laid there on Shuichi's pillow, wondering what to do with himself. He knew he could read again that afternoon, but the idea was starting to get old already. He'd cleaned everything and his apartment was immaculate. He didn't have anyone he particularly wanted to spend time with in Tokyo. But he had _eleven_ more weeks to go. What was he going to do?

His vacation wasn't turning out to be quite the way he'd imagined.

An idea came to him, and he pushed it away on impulse. But laying there immobile for another half hour found him entertaining the idea again. It was something Shuichi had suggested before. Regardless, it was something to do, something to distract him from noticing the empty side of the bed. So why the hell not?

Eiri dislodged his limbs from the covers, rolled himself to his feet, and began to locate his suitcase.

**-TBC-**

* * *

**[Author's Note addendum]**: I've been tinkering with this story for so long, that I just shoved my self-doubt aside and put it up finally. The next chapter should be up soon, because it's for the most part already written.

Let me know what you think! Comments and critiques are welcome if you have any!

Love,  
Ish :)


	2. Chapter 2

**[Chapter Rated]**: NC-17

**[Chapter Warnings]**: Language, masturbation

******[Pairings]**: Eiri x Shuichi, Tatsuha x Eiri, Tatsuha x Shuichi, eventual Tatsuha x Eiri x Shuichi? WHO KNOWS. :]

**[Disclaimer]**: The characters in this piece belong to Maki Murakami and co.

**[Author's Notes]**: The timeline is set at some arbitrary time mid-series within the manga/anime. Title inspired by the song with the same name by The All-American Rejects.

* * *

**Dirty Little Secret**

**-Chapter 2-**

Muddy sneakers bolted through puddles along the gravel road, splashing water to and fro and soaking Tatsuha's jeans from the knee down. An unforgiving wind whipped against his soaked body and threatened to yank his thin hoodie away, but he gripped it tightly over his head with cold, wet fingers. He raced to the temple ahead as fast as he could. A midday downpour continued pelting him without letting up. Behind him, he could hear the thunder following along. "This sucks, this sucks," he chanted between blue lips the whole way.

Bad Luck's new CD had been released two weeks prior, with a few never-before-seen English and French tracks. Last he heard, Shuichi and the band were heading off on tour in Europe and headlining with Nittle Grasper. Tatsuha groaned when he'd heard the news the other day – they were already gone, and he'd been too late to ask for tickets, or for a copy of their CD! Why hadn't anyone informed him sooner! He cursed out everyone involved for his missed opportunity until he made the decision to pick up the album himself.

Therefore, bright and early that morning, Tatsuha set out to town on foot, his motorcycle in pieces in the garage as he was in the process of making repairs. He really didn't mind the peaceful walk, except for the fact that it had been deceitfully sunny when he left. Tatsuha realized while running through the rain with the CD in the waistband of his boxers that he could have gotten from Shuichi for free that this week could hardly get any worse for him.

The rain beat against his weary body, sore from running, so that when he finally made it under the protective covering of the temple roof, Tatsuha's ears rang and his body quivered relentlessly. Exhaustion and soreness devoured him and he collapsed there on the steps, trying to catch his breath.

Nevertheless, he peeled off his jacket, grimacing at the sensation of wet cloth suctioned to his skin, and withdrew the CD with frozen fingers. He gasped as said fingers brushed up against the delicate skin of his stomach. The feeling was intriguingly arousing to him.

Tatsuha grinned deviously and fell back against the temple steps with a plop, holding the CD up in the air at arm's length and admiring the cover. Hiro and Suguru stood off to either side, admiring a pretty landscape. Shuichi's svelte form stood in the center, looking off in another direction with his striking eyes and ridiculously long lashes. He wore a hell of a lot of fishnetting, that was for sure. And were those… leather pants? Tatsuha's groin tightened immediately, taking in Shuichi's image all at once and overloading his senses. "Ooooh god…"

He had to reach up and wipe drool from his chin, smearing mud on his face. He sputtered when he tasted the foul substance on his lips. His senses returned like a punch to the face, the marble steps of the temple noticeably cold against his back, and he was suddenly overtaken by uncontrollable shivers. Tatsuha forced his limbs to cooperate as he pushed himself to his feet. He tucked the CD back into his underwear, and darted across the lawn to his front door.

Unfortunately for him, his father was waiting in the hall when he stepped inside. Tatsuha blanched, boner promptly killed.

The oldest Uesugi wheeled around on his heels. His eyes widened when he took in his son, covered with mud and rain. Dirt and water fell off him in globs and soiled the entrance around the front door. The elder's face contorted with anger. "_Tatsuha_!"

The boy in question visibly gulped. "U-uh… Hi."

The shameless response seemed to fuel Uesugi-san even more. He took a threatening step closer. "Where have you _been_? You were grounded! Who said you could leave the house? Look at you!"

"I-I… There was a-an emergency, and I had to… t-to go…" The stuttering was no longer due to fear of his father's wrath, but of the cold water drying on his skin. He was freezing.

Uesugi-san stared at him skeptically. "What emergency? Why wasn't I informed?"

Tatsuha's mind went blank. Fuck. What could he say?

"Are you lying to me, boy?"

The younger's gaze fell to the floor. "Yes."

Tatsuha saw the other's socked feet shuffling towards him before he suddenly felt a sharp smack on the back of his head. He clenched his jaw, but he didn't recoil. It was nothing he hadn't dealt with before. Came with the territory of being a problem child, after all.

"You have disrespected me after I grounded you and said you weren't to leave the house. What compelled you to do such a thing?"

"Honestly, f-father, you ground me so m-much, I can't even k-keep track anymore."

"What!"

"Well, it's t-true. I c-couldn't remember what my punishment was th-this week. Sorry."

"Don't talk back to me, Tatsuha."

"Okay, okay, s-sorry."

"I mean it!" Uesugi-san shouted through gritted teeth. It took a great deal of self-control for Tatsuha to hide the laugh he felt erupting from the back of his throat. Riling up his dad was far too easy. His good humor was erased quickly, however, when his father added as an afterthought, "You are _just_ like your brother. I don't want to know where you've been sneaking out to. I have a feeling it might disgust me."

Tatsuha's face darkened upon hearing ill words spoken about his brother. The insults to himself didn't hurt nearly as much. He opened his mouth to retaliate but bit on his lip in better judgment.

"Go get yourself cleaned up, and wipe up this mess," Uesugi-san continued with a low growl. "You're no longer under house-arrest. I don't want you even coming out of your room! You're to stay there until I return from the temple for dinner, where we will discuss your punishment in detail." And with that, the old man shuffled away.

Tatsuha allowed himself to glare at his father's back, though he felt more upset from having been caught, and the other's mention of Eiri. _I have to get out of this hell-hole, I really, really do_, he couldn't help himself from thinking, and slipped his shoes off, then wiped up the mess he made in the hall with towels from the kitchen. His wet clothes were starting to irritate him, so Tatsuha hurried upstairs to shower.

Minutes later, he was sitting in his bedroom in clean clothes, layers of blankets around his supine form in an effort to defrost his sore limbs, and Bad Luck's new CD in hand. He ran his fingers over the cover, heart thudding painfully in his chest. God, this was _so_ great! So worth _everything_ that had happened. Tatsuha sat there for a while in silence, turning the case over in his hands and then pulling out the disc inside. He grabbed for his portable CD player. Adrenaline coursed through his veins as he nervously pushed play.

Thinking back, Tatsuha didn't quite know when this obsession of his had started. Eiri and he were close as children. He knew for certain he always looked up to his brother growing up, had sought his approval, followed him faithfully for years. They had a bond that was untouchable by Mika. Probably because she was the only female in the family, the odd one out, or the golden child of the family. And her status was only boosted by her engagement to Tohma Seguchi when he was a rising rock star. In the meantime, he and Eiri were alienated by others early on. Eiri was bullied mercilessly for years due to his unusual appearance, though Tatsuha could never remember a time when he thought his brother looked any more unusual than any other person. Mika called him "albino" for a while in jest, which Eiri didn't take too kindly to, and only after the bullying from classmates became apparent later on, Mika stopped her own teasing and sympathized.

So where did things go wrong for him? Tatsuha was later told by Eiri that when he had been six, he saw an actor on TV and said that he thought the man was "sexy", and their father had thrown a fit, punished him, and made him spend long hours in the temple in prayer. Tatsuha had no recollection of the event from so long ago, but his father's later actions in punishing him made sense once Tatsuha discovered Nittle Grasper. His flamboyant love for Ryuichi Sakuma caused his father much grief as he tried so desperately to pull Tatsuha back from the temptations of lust and homosexuality, which were like fads with kids his age, and popularly explored. He was sure his father's resilient micromanaging of his childhood only fueled him in being more rebellious later. And after so many punishments as a child, Tatsuha learned only to keep his obsessions private.

Rolling over on his futon, blankets shifting with him, Tatsuha realized just how prone he was to obsessions. So Eiri and he grew up, ostracized by a very traditional family for being different. The two boys found a deep friendship in the other, their unbreakable, untouchable bond. Tatsuha deeply admired his older brother. He'd stay up late thinking how brave his brother was for standing up to school bullies. Eiri was his idol. He, and Ryuichi Sakuma. Tatsuha fell asleep many nights smiling, and dreamt of them. But to his dismay, things didn't stay the same.

When Eiri left for New York, Tatsuha had been deeply depressed. In a strange way he didn't understand with his ten-year-old emotions, he felt like a piece of himself had gone missing. Tatsuha begrudingly continued on in school and in helping his father with temple duties, but with far less fervor than before. He started acting out then. Mika tried for a while to guide him, but she later chalked up his erroneous behavior to not having his brother's example around. Tatsuha felt like that was only half the reason, but he could never explain the other half.

Nothing could prepare Tatsuha for the events that occurred later, upon Eiri's unexpected and premature return. Eiri arrived back in Japan broken, angry, and hurt. He physically and emotionally isolated himself from the rest of the family, including Tatsuha, for the longest time, until he finally reemerged as a polar opposite to what he'd previously been. Eiri accumulated a record in school by getting into fights and rebelling against his authorities. He cursed openly at his father and ran away on many occasions. But the worst part of all was that he pushed Tatsuha away when the youngest sought comfort in his company. Tatsuha's depression returned. He desperately tried to figure out what was wrong with his brother, but everyone around him remained tightlipped, even Mika, and especially Eiri.

Tatsuha metamorphosed then, too. He returned to acting out, mirroring his brother as his behavior spiralled out of control for years. Why didn't Eiri love him anymore? Why didn't he want to be around him? Why couldn't they be close anymore? The sting of being rejected by his brother, including the many questions he never ended up finding answers to, gave Tatsuha cause to detach his feelings from others to prevent being so hurt again, and that's when he believe he started the promiscuity stunts. He'd tried so hard to fill the hole his brother had left behind. Every ex-girlfriend of Eiri's he could fuck made him feel like he could recapture a part of his brother he'd been previously denied.

It took a long time for Tatsuha to really recognize those feelings for what they were. Something far more threatening than simple hero-worship.

While searching for Ayaka in Tokyo, he'd stumbled upon Shuichi Shindou, who turned up at Eiri's door late one night after work. Tatsuha was immediately startled by the guy's resemblance to Ryuichi, his other obsession. Mind reeling with possibilities, he made his moves. Shuichi was just his type, too. Just like the other guys he slept with at that time. He liked them slender, effeminate, a little dorky, but endearingly cute. If he couldn't have the real Ryuichi, why not claim the next best thing? And this guy sang, too!

As much as he desired the Ryuichi lookalike, a dark reminder exposed to him the truth, that Shuichi was ultimately in competition with him for Eiri's attention. Tatsuha felt that way about all of Eiri's lovers, and didn't fully understand why he felt so jealous, but found that sleeping with others, including some of Eiri's lovers, helped alleviate some of his confusing feelings. In startling contrast, he found he didn't feel the same way with Shuichi. Shuichi didn't make him feel insanely jealous. When he had watched the two interact that night, and many other nights, Shuichi's actions and words were painful to Tatsuha in a surprisingly different way. He realized that in his youth, he had _been_ Shuichi. He looked in Shuichi's dumb, lovestruck eyes and saw himself like in a mirror.

So the boy singer helped him realize what his feelings all these years meant, unfortunately enough. And in time, he realized with even more astonishment that his desire for his brother was only exacerbated by his relationship with Shuichi. Imagining the two of them together, romantically, sexually, or otherwise, Tatsuha would feel his blood boil, his face flush like with fever, and he'd become embarrassingly hard. Shuichi was Tatsuha's favorite kind of treat. The kid looked just like fucking Ryuichi Sakuma! And on top of that, adorable in his own right. He could hardly control himself when around the singer, he wanted to fuck him so badly. And Eiri he admired, he loved, he _craved_. He was starved for Eiri's affections, to be his best friend like when they were younger, but definitely with benefits this time. He wanted so badly to see what the fuss was about from all the ladies. He wanted to be fucked by Eiri once and for all.

Tatsuha wanted them both more than he thought he could ever desire a thing, but only watched them from afar. He could barely contain his longing, but he knew these feelings of his were unexpressable and complicated, and stored them in his head with his other, more darker secrets.

His eyes slid closed, and he felt beneath the layers of blankets for his straining erection. God, he was _so hard_. His obsession ate away at his resolve on an almost daily basis. Thankfully, it was better handled when Eiri had moved away to start his career in Tokyo a couple years before, but to Tatsuha's dismay and embarrassment, it hadn't completely gone away.

He suddenly felt like he couldn't stay there. His thoughts were reeling so fast.

To ease his troubled mind, Tatsuha shoved his hand into his pillowcase to locate the pack of cigarettes he hid there. Reluctantly, he pulled his hand away from his aching need to light one. Oh, that felt much better. Tatsuha learned to recognize when his thoughts were toppling off the deep-end, and how to handle them.

He yanked out his ear buds, reluctantly pulled himself from the warmth of his covers, and moved to the door. He slid it open carefully, and peered out into the hall. There was no sign of his father in sight, so Tatsuha quickly shut his door and moved down the hall to Eiri's room.

His father hadn't touched Eiri's room since he moved to Tokyo. The oldest Uesugi was convinced Eiri would one day return and bring honor to the family by taking up responsibility of the temple. Eiri's things were left exactly as the novelist had them the day he moved, and he would sleep there when visiting, but had yet to fulfill the old man's wish of coming home for good.

Tatsuha slid the paper door closed with utmost care, and moved over to the other's desk, a sense of nostalgia replacing the raw need that churned in his gut. His hands ghosted over the items on Eiri's old desk, cigarette dangling between his lips. Stacks of books Eiri left behind. Old exams from school, all A's. He read a few lines from an old story Eiri had been tinkering with probably when he was seventeen, his neat script covering dozens of loose leaf papers. A scuffed baseball, when Eiri had started his obsession with going to America and learning English and the American way of life, eager to leave Japan behind him. Tatsuha moved over to the closet and found dozens of empty hangers. Eiri's futon was folded neatly and stacked on the top shelf.

Tatsuha snuffed out his cigarette on Eiri's windowsill ashtray and pulled the futon down. He brought it to his nose and inhaled. It smelled like faded laundry detergent. His brother hadn't visited in a while and he knew it was foolish to still expect his scent there. When Eiri last left after sleeping there, Tatsuha had been quick to visit his room then and roll around in the sheets and futon that smelled heavily of his brother's cologne, shampoo, and cigarettes. He smiled when he remembered just how hard he had cum into those sheets. They were washed shortly after, much to his dismay. Tatsuha returned the futon to its shelf and moved to sit on the floor by Eiri's desk.

His cock reawakened between his knees. Tatsuha groaned softly, slipping his eyes closed, and let his hands envelop the aching member. He pushed his hips into the air and spread his thighs, moving with practiced rhythm. While he fisted his cock and pumped, he panted hard, Eiri's and Shuichi's memory heavy on his mind. Wild eyes opened suddenly as he let out a particularly loud squeak, and he stilled himself, straining to hear for any sounds outside the door that would signal his father's presence nearby. However, Tatsuha was so keyed-up that his paranoia was only short-lived.

He stretched his legs out before him. In his mind, he again imagined Shuichi there, naked and riding Eiri's cock before him, Shuichi's little, melodious voice rising to a higher octave. Shuichi's face was flushed, pouty lips swollen and wet. Tatsuha grunted, his fist gripping the edge of Eiri's desk as he arched again into the empty air, stroking himself harder and faster still. "F-fuck, Shuichi… Eiri…" The words felt forbidden on his lips. His blushed hard when he voiced them aloud, as if confirming that his feelings were real. And very, very wrong.

With a blinding sensation, Tatsuha climaxed as he thrust his hips again. He clenched his eyes shut, breathing ragged as he rode that wave over and over until finally collapsing back against the desk in an exhausted heap. He lolled his head helplessly. A few stray sheets of paper had fallen from the desk to land at his side at some point. Tatsuha frowned and returned them to the desk carefully. He had to remain discreet with his trysts in Eiri's room, after all.

He also noted with smug satisfaction that he hadn't gotten anything on his clothes. He was getting much better at this! Tatsuha stood on shaky legs, tucked his softened cock back into the waistband of his sweatpants, and sidestepped the mess he left on Eiri's floor. Now what the hell did Eiri have lying around that he could clean with?

Tatsuha was just sliding Eiri's door closed behind him and moving down the hall when he heard the front door open. He froze, for a minute believing that his father had come back home from temple duties early due to the inclement weather, and was about to find him sneaking around and worsen his punishment. But before he could make a break for it, Tatsuha noticed these footsteps sounded different. They were heavier, and the resounding clack indicated a man's shoe instead of a monk's sandal.

Out of sheer curiosity, Tatsuha moved down the hall to confront the visitor. And his breath caught in his throat. His cheeks were still flushed from orgasm, but Tatsuha only reddened further with a serious blush. "Eiri? What the fuck are you doing here?"

Eiri looked up from where he had set down his suitcase, taking in his brother's disheveled appearance. "Nice to see you, too. Am I interrupting something?"

Tatsuha was sure his eyes bugged out. He smoothed down his hair sheepishly. "Eheh… Just woke up."

The novelist shut the front door behind him, and moved to hang his overcoat, dampened from rain. "You didn't need to wake up for me." He picked up his suitcase again and stepped around Tatsuha to shuffle down the hall.

Tatsuha frowned, following closely behind him. What was Eiri doing? His visit was unexpected and almost unnerving as Tatsuha recalled his thoughts from just minutes before. "I didn't… Just wasn't feeling well. I got caught in the rain this morning running errands. I think I might be coming down with something."

"I'd appreciate it if you kept your infections to yourself." Eiri tossed him a smirk over his shoulder. He turned away just in time to miss Tatsuha's blush.

The younger brother scoffed, adding steel to his voice and putting his weakness behind him for now. "Oh, please. There's nothing I have that you haven't seen before!"

"Whatever."

"So, for real, what are you doing here?"

Eiri paused outside of his bedroom, seeming to contemplate the question. "Not really sure."

"Huh?"

"I guess I got bored at home."

Tatsuha followed Eiri into his room as the other male set down his belongings. He paled, anxious with the thought that his scent might still be remaining there for Eiri to catch a hint of, but if Eiri noticed anything different, he didn't mention it. Tatsuha took a comfortable distance on the other side of the room. "That's right… Your boytoy's run off to Europe for work. Left you to your own devices, and now you don't know what to do with yourself?"

"Something like that."

"So you came _here_? I'm shocked!"

"I figured I could be bored at home or bored here. It didn't matter either way."

"So what you're saying is, you'd rather come here and spend time with me, am I right?" Tatsuha smirked, quirking a brow.

Eiri rolled his eyes with a dramatic gesture. "Get lost."

"Aw, big bro, I'm so touched!"

"Shove it! I'm here to relax."

"You know you can't relax with me around! If you wanted to relax, you would have stayed at home. You wanted to come bond with me. Admit it!"

Tatsuha didn't see the pillow Eiri had thrown at him before it hit him square in the face. "Oof!"

"Anyway," Eiri continued, moving to unfurl his folded futon from the closet. "There's not much to be done in this weather. I'd like to read a bit, if that's the case. And if you're sick, you need to get out of my face and rest up."

The dark-haired male smiled sadly to himself. He knew he wasn't sick. But if he wanted to keep Eiri around, he knew he couldn't smother him either. It was a very delicate situation he juggled. "Yeah, yeah. Get some relaxing in tonight, but be prepared for some hardcore male bonding tomorrow."

"Sure." Eiri started to remove his belt and drop his trousers, preparing to change into something more comfortable. He'd been reading all week, and was eager for something more productive to do, but the weather he'd driven into that morning wasn't conducive to an outing in town. At least his old home was good for something, if only for a change of scenery to keep himself sane.

Tatsuha was quick in moving to the door, eyes avoiding almost-naked-Eiri on the other end of the room. "So… I'll be in my room. Later, loser."

"Likewise."

Tatsuha all but sprinted down the hall, and when back in the privacy of his room, flopped onto his futon face first. "Never say your week can't get any worse," he muttered to himself. On the top of the covers, he saw his CD player still playing Bad Luck's CD.

With a sadistic grin, he wondered aloud, "Or… maybe this doesn't have to be such a bad thing." Returning to his music, he listened with an occasional caress of his body as Shuichi sang him softly to sleep.

**-TBC-**

* * *

**[Author's Note addendum]**: I hope this chapter fully expressed Tatsuha's obsession like I wanted it to! To get a little help with obsession-writing this week, I went to watch "Black Swan" at the movies. Man, that movie was so beautiful, but way disturbing! LOL. It was almost uncomfortable to watch. Hope my fic isn't like that!

School starts back up on Monday, so my posts may become fewer and farther between. :( I'll do my best, though. This fic is my baby. :-x Comments and critiques welcomed always!

Love,  
Ish :)


	3. Chapter 3

**[Chapter Rated]**: NC-17 to be on the safe side

**[Chapter Warnings]**: Language, almost-masturbation-but-not-really

******[Pairings]**: Eiri x Shuichi, Tatsuha x Eiri, Tatsuha x Shuichi, eventual Tatsuha x Eiri x Shuichi? WHO KNOWS. :]

**[Disclaimer]**: The characters in this piece belong to Maki Murakami and co.

**[Author's Notes]**: The timeline is set at some arbitrary time mid-series within the manga/anime. Title inspired by the song with the same name by The All-American Rejects.

Sorry about the delay! School started back up for me and now I'm finding myself either studying the nights away or stuck in a lab. I hope this was worth the wait. :) Comments and critiques welcome as always!

* * *

**Dirty Little Secret**

**-Chapter 3-**

Eiri opened his eyes wearily and cursed. From his lazy sprawl on the futon, he examined the paper screen that led outside on the other end of his room. It was parted only a couple inches, just enough for the afternoon sun to peek right in at his face and aggravate him with its profuse brightness. Eiri knew he wasn't yet that old and senile to have forgotten to close the doors before going to bed the night before – as exhausted and delirious as he had been – so he concluded that it was definitely Tatsuha's doing.

"That little bastard," he mumbled, and buried his face into the pillow to hide the light.

After he'd arrived the evening before, he read a favorite novel from his adolescence and listened to the rain until he heard his father's quiet, unhurried footsteps enter the house, temple duties done for the day. Eiri figured he had to show his face at some point under the man's roof, so reluctantly went out to greet him.

His father had already known he was there, Eiri's car parked under the trees outside, and Uesugi-san didn't waste any time in chastising him for running over the flowers on his way in. It wasn't quite the welcome Eiri had been expecting, and his mood worsened from there. He antagonized his father in protest by shrugging off the untimely death of his weeds. They engaged in snippets of conversation while preparing dinner together, tension palpable in the air. Eiri seriously wondered if coming there had been a mistake. He was far from lying to Tatsuha; he really wasn't sure why he'd been compelled to visit. Maybe he futiley thought he could take advantage of some family time while Shuichi was away. Or, even worse, maybe Shuichi was right and he truly didn't have any friends to spend time with outside of Shuichi's influence.

The two older Uesugi men ate dinner together alone, tension a little heavier now as the elder chose to do more of the talking and zeroed-in on Eiri's welfare in Tokyo. He also spent a lot of time updating Eiri on all the shenanigans Tatsuha had been getting into over the past several months, and particularly that morning when he snuck out and got caught in the rain. Uesugi-san told him he instructed Tatsuha to stay in his room that evening, at least until his father decided on a suitable punishment, and that Tatsuha wouldn't be joining them for dinner as a result. Eiri mutely listened while he ate, nodding at all the appropriate cues.

After dinner, their father went to shower and Eiri prepared a plate for Tatsuha anyway. He'd been in the same situation many times growing up, and while he didn't know if anything was going on with his younger brother, he sympathized with Tatsuha's need to get away on occasion. When he'd opened his brother's door that evening, Tatsuha was passed out asleep on his face listening to his CD player and snoring softly. Eiri had set the plate down next to his futon and left. The smell would eventually wake him, for sure.

Then Eiri read a bit more before finally retiring to bed. He'd slept for maybe two hours before his cell phone came to life next to his head. Annoyed, but knowing who else was dumb enough to wake him from his sleep, he had answered. Shuichi still didn't seem to understand the concept of time zone differences, and was constantly calling him at two or three in the morning. Normally, this didn't bother him, but that night Eiri was genuinely tired. His father had a tendency to drain the life out of anyone.

Shuichi's tour group had moved on to Spain. The pop star greeted him with a poorly pronounced but jaunty "te amo! Como estas!" Eiri scolded him a bit for calling at an ungodly hour, but eventually warmed up to the comfortable and recognizable voice in the phone. With a churning feeling in his stomach, Eiri realized just how much he was missing him. So before Eiri knew it, they'd talked for three hours, just until he could see the faint light of dawn stretching over the horizon outside. His phone soon died in his hand. He took that as a sign, and had passed out soon after.

But he hadn't mean to sleep in _that_ late. Eiri checked his charging phone and read the glowing digits with disbelief. Begrudingly, he agreed that Tatsuha had done him a favor.

He rolled ungracefully to his feet after some time and slipped on his black yukata dug up from one dresser drawar, casually belting it so the folds hung loosely over his chest. Completing his look by stuffing a pack of cigarettes into the belt for later, Eiri shoved open the paper partition the rest of the way and stepped out onto the porch. Yesterday's rain had been for the most part dried in the afternoon sun, so Eiri found himself slipping into some sandals and walking out onto the lawn, stretching his arms above his head and yawning into the comfortable breeze. He listened to the crisp grass crunching softly under his footfalls before someone's laughter came from above him. Eiri frowned, looking up at the house with a quirked brow.

"Good morning, princess," Tatsuha hollered down from his perch on the roof, waving an opened pocket knife in greeting. "I was starting to think you died."

"Only on the inside."

Tatsuha laughed again, using the knife to slice cleanly through the roofing cement around one deteriorated tile, and pop it free to secure a new one in. "Did you like my little wake-up call?"

"How do you know exactly how much of the door to open so the sun falls directly onto my eyes?"

"Trial and error, man."

"Well, it's annoying."

"That's the whole point! How else am I gonna get your pampered ass to wake up?"

Eiri grunted and casually crossed his arms. "I'll kill you, given the fall from the roof doesn't snuff you out first. What the hell are you doing up there anyway?"

Tatsuha folded the knife closed and set it aside. He absently used the bottom of his t-shirt to wipe sweat from his face. "Ah, part of my glorious punishment. Dad woke me up at the crack of dawn with a huge fucking list of chores to do. I'm currently fixing a leak in the roof over His Highness's room."

"So you're grounded again?"

"As usual."

Eiri shook his head, slipping out his pack from the folds of his belt to light a cigarette. "What did you do _this_ time?"

Tatsuha watched Eiri closely, roof forgotten. How could their dad expect him to work with so much eye candy laying around? He eyed the loose covering over Eiri's pale chest with intrigue. "Nothing major. Just snuck out while I was grounded from a previous offense."

"Sneaking out to meet a girl again?"

"Heh, not this time." Tatsuha's face became suddenly angry. "This is all your fault, you know! Shuichi didn't give me his CD before he skipped continents! You should have known I would have wanted it! I'm disappointed in you, big bro. I had to go get it myself, and now look at me. I'm playing Martha Stewart all day."

"Oh please. Why not wait till he came back in a couple months?"

"I can't be the last to hear his CD! Are you crazy? That's just not okay!"

"Whatever." Eiri smoked, admiring the sight of the trees around the temple, glittering with droplets of rainwater in the blazing sun. As annoying as being at home was, it was at least decently beautiful. Being in a lavish, industrial city for years often made him forget such things. "So when did you learn to fix roofs?"

"I've been grounded so much, I had to teach myself how to fix roofs, cars, plumbing… build, sew, tutor, launder, paint houses, write in calligraphy… and I've even learned in recent months how to landscape. I'm pretty sweet at it, too."

"Yeah?"

"Totally."

"Huh."

Tatsuha dangled his feet over the roof's edge, taking a break from his unjust labor. "By the way, thanks for dinner last night." He smiled, trying not to remember how happy the simple act of consideration from his brother had made him feel all night. It's not like it had been the first time either of them did that for each other! Tatsuha was feeling ridiculous. Eiri always turned his life upside down when he least expected it.

"Don't mention it."

"You're a real pal, Eiri~" he teased. Tatsuha edged over carefully to the ladder propped up against the side of the house and descended. "So what's on our agenda today?"

Eiri eyed Tatsuha uneasily as he climbed down the shaky ladder. No one could ever pay _him_ to climb on top of a roof! "Well, considering _you're_ under house arrest, I think your agenda will vary considerably from mine. Right now, I don't really have any plans."

Tatsuha wiped his hands on the sides of his faded jeans, and followed Eiri in his bare feet as the other started absently venturing further away from the house. "I heard you on the phone last night… Did Shuichi call?"

"Yeah, at a godawful hour. I guess it hasn't quite sunk in that he's eight hours behind me. When I brought that tidbit to his attention, he seemed to get all weepy for waking me up, and I guess for reminding him how far away I was. It was amusing." Eiri didn't mention how much the reminder had affected him, too.

"Did you do that thing where you piss him off before he leaves so he won't change his mind and stick around?"

"Yeah."

"Aww, one day you're going to give that kid a heart attack! Geez."

"Maybe. And one day, he'll return the favor."

"I'm sure."

The two fell in step with one another in companionable silence and entered the edges of the forest, the canopy nest above shielding them from the brunt of the unforgiving afternoon sun. Eiri remembered disappearing into this forest on many occasions growing up, just to get away, to find a quiet place to read, or even to think. After his return from New York six years prior, he'd found himself finding more and more excuses to get away. Looking into the faces of his loved ones and knowing that they knew what happened to him had shaken his foundations. Tatsuha still didn't know, as far as he understood, but it appeared Tatsuha had laid the incidence to rest somehow in his own head, and never once brought the subject up with him. Eiri really appreciated his brother's discretion. Tatsuha was one of very few people who just got him. Eiri wasn't even sure if Shuichi was one of them yet. The little pop star still blew everything he said out of proportion. Walking alongside Tatsuha now, Eiri felt this life-long familiarity and understanding was what he was missing when around his father. He knew he hadn't been the paragon image of a son by any means, but a little acknowledgement and acceptance went a long way. His father didn't have to approve of his decisions, of how he orchestrated his life, but if he was to make amends with the old man at one distant period in the future, his dad would have to stop tormenting Eiri with that judgmental stare. It was almost as bad as Tohma's. Almost.

"Hey, Eiri, remember this?"

The blond wiped clean the nostalgia from his mind, and turned to see Tatsuha jogging over to an old tire swing. A huge tire, still in good condition, hung from a thick, yellow bungee cord tied to a large tree. "I built this for you when we were younger." He moved over to the swing, a faint smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

Tatsuha smiled back, elated that Eiri remembered. He mounted the swing, hands gripping the rough cord, and toes curling around the cold rubber to hang on. The swing came to life and floated freely in uneven circles around the base of the tree. Tatsuha's back hit the trunk without much force, but elicited a little "Oof!" and a sheepish laugh as he tried to control his balance. "Do you remember when I tried to back flip off of this and chipped my tooth?"

"Yeah. I dared you to do that back then, didn't I?"

"You sure did, asshole."

The pair chuckled for a carefree moment. Tatsuha watched Eiri as his brother moved closer to the swing, and lifted his hands to touch the rubber, as if savoring the memory. Eiri's long fingers, smooth and pale, and with neatly trimmed nails, lay in stark contrast against the ribbed, rough, and cold black of the tire. From this proximity, he could consume the sweet smoke Eiri exhaled. He could see blue, little veins moving through Eiri's neck and down his collarbone, to disappear somewhere underneath the folds of his yukata. Tatsuha's gut was twisting inside him. He felt so at peace there in the woods with Eiri, just like how they were many years before. Except for this growing boner. That was a new addition. "I miss how things used to be," he mumbled before he even realized he'd voiced his thoughts aloud.

Golden eyes looked up to meet his, and they held each other's gaze for what Tatsuha felt were eons. He could hear his heartbeat drumming madly between his ears. And just when Tatsuha thought he might explode from the sheer intensity of his brother's stare, Eiri removed his hands from the tire to tap the ash from the cigarette that dangled from his lips. "Me too," he said, and moved away.

Tatsuha feared for a moment that Eiri had read the desire in his eyes, that he somehow knew what he'd been thinking. "Y-you do?" he asked, leaping off the swing in haste to follow after him.

Before Eiri could answer him, Tatsuha suddenly erupted in a series of sneezes. The younger brother flushed, sniffling, and saw Eiri turn back around to raise a brow at him.

"Still sick?"

Tatsuha frowned, feeling shivers from the previous morning creep back into his bones. Oh fuck! Had he willed a cold into existence by lying about it yesterday? "Guess so. All this labor sure ain't helping me either."

"Neither is walking barefoot in the wet grass."

"Yeah, fuck, I guess you're right…"

"Go rest. If Dad says something about it, I'll tell him to shove it."

Laughing, Tatsuha reluctantly moved to leave Eiri's side. "Big brother saves the day again… Thanks, Eiri."

"I don't need you getting me sick. Get lost."

"I'm leavin', I'm leavin'!"

The young monk retreated back through the woods, gripping his arms close to his body. Why was he shivering when it was so warm out? Maybe he was feverish. Besides in the obvious way! He made a quick adjustment to his dying erection, hoping Eiri hadn't noticed anything, and disappeared back into the house.

Eiri discreetly watched Tatsuha leave, smoking down his cigarette to the filter. He already knew he'd need another one after this. He took a seat at the base of an old, favorite tree like he'd done many times prior in his youth to sort out his thoughts.

What he saw from Tatsuha wasn't entirely unexpected. They'd spent a lot of time together growing up, and Eiri had noticed a few peculiar things. But he never expected those things to still be there to this day… Perhaps he'd hoped Tatsuha would grow out of it eventually. But clearly, that didn't happen. Tatsuha was never very good at keeping a poker-face.

Eiri was really, _really_ starting to regret coming there. This was all Shuichi's fault!

* * *

"I think it's the flu, old man."

Uesugi-san glared up at his youngest son from where he was preparing dinner. "That's what you get for sneaking out, you fool!"

"I know, I know… Relax. I deserved it." Tatsuha shifted uneasily in his many layers of clothing, his face on fire but his limbs shivering at the same time.

"And who said you could come out of your room!"

Tatsuha's eyes widened, feeling his temper already building. "I've been out of my room all _day_, remember! I've been your very sick slave since the ass crack of dawn!"

"Shut it!"

"When's Eiri coming home?"

Uesugi-san's face went from angry to blood-boilingly infuriated in swift time. "_I don't know_! You think he tells me anything!"

"Geez, okay, okay… Nevermind. I'll be _in my room_, Highness."

"Are you a glutton for punishment!"

Tatsuha could hear his father shouting in the kitchen as he happily returned to his room, chuckling to himself. Now he knew where he and Eiri had gotten their tempers from, that was for sure! Tatsuha was only too happy to collapse back into his covers. Lolling around on his futon in his flu delirium, Tatsuha picked his CD player back up and returned to listening to Bad Luck's new album while he waited on dinner.

Eiri had washed up and left shortly before Tatsuha napped that afternoon. Tatsuha had given himself a hot shower to erase the traces of flu and desire from his clouded mind beforehand, and almost ran into Eiri on his way out, the only thing separating him from his brother being a very thin towel. He'd excused himself quickly to race back to his room, and then later hurled curses at himself for being so obvious. Maybe Eiri would pity him and just blame his strange and erratic behavior on sickness. Before he'd laid his troubled thoughts to rest and nap, he had heard Eiri's car somewhere in the distance start up and drive quietly away. He hated how much he missed him already, and as he wondered where Eiri had gone off to, he'd drifted off to a peaceful sleep.

Shuichi's voice now filled the space between his ears. Tatsuha groaned in obvious pleasure, allowing himself to be further seduced by the young pop star. He flipped onto his stomach, pinning his burgeoning erection between himself and the futon covers, and rolled his hips, gasping at the delicious friction. A bead of sweat trickled down his temple, the sweaters and pants he generously layered on feeling suddenly arousing against his heated and oversensitized body. Why wasn't Eiri back yet? He'd been gone for hours. It was dark out and dinner was almost ready. Why wasn't he there doing this to him instead?

Tatsuha's hand slithered down between himself and the futon, and his cold, clammy fingers felt around for his cock, palming it slowly over his pants. He bit his lip, and continued to stroke himself until his pinned arm grew weary. Tatsuha moved to flip onto his back, ignoring the dizziness the sudden movement caused, and started to reach for his dick again when he froze in place.

Vision still fuzzy from sickness and unfed lust, he stared up at Eiri over his bedside. "E-Eiri! What the fuck are you doing!" Tatsuha blurted, not moving an inch.

Eiri wasn't looking at him, but rather at Bad Luck's CD he set next to his bed. He stood there smoking quietly, wearing a pair of slacks and a t-shirt under a nice, pressed jacket. He seemed to be appreciating the art cover before his eyes flicked over to Tatsuha at long last. Tatsuha shivered visibly under his scutiny. How could he have not noticed Eiri walk in? How could he have not smelled the smoke? Hear the footfalls? Was he really that far gone? There was no way this could look good… "Dinner's ready," Eiri simply said, and moved away towards the door.

He set Bad Luck's CD on Tatsuha desk and paused in the doorway, watching as his younger brother scrambled up from his futon and smoothe out his clothes and hair, and desperately hide the evidence of his actions. Eiri hadn't meant to walk in on him. He really was only coming to wake him up for dinner. But Tatsuha's actions only served to confuse him more, as he heard the other mutter Shuichi's name under his breath when he'd entered the room.

Tatsuha's face was a deep red, and in his quick recovery and scramble from the covers, he thought he might just pass out, but he wasn't sure if it was from embarrassment or fever. He refused to meet Eiri's eyes, and yanked a blanket over himself to hide the erection they both knew he was sporting. Why was Eiri just standing there! Couldn't he at least cut him some slack and leave him alone to finish!

"Tats," he heard Eiri's voice say from across the room. Tatsuha still refused to look at him, instead busying himself with pulling out his ear buds and packing away his CD player. "Tats," Eiri repeated, "is there something you want to tell me?"

Tatsuha froze again. This was the worst thing ever! Did this mean Eiri knew? So was his secret out?

Eiri stood transfixed in Tatsuha's doorway, unable to stop himself from asking the question. He wanted to say he knew what was going on in the other's head, but he really had no idea anymore. Not now when Shuichi was also involved. What the hell was going on!

"U-uh," Tatsuha stuttered, praying that if the world could swallow him up right now that it would hurry and do so, "Y-yeah. I… have the flu. So, ah, give a minute. Thanks."

The novelist remained in the doorway for a few more beats before finally turning away and sliding the screen shut behind him. Had he really expected Tatsuha to just confess? Not without a little muscling, anyway. Eiri steadily moved down the hall towards where their father waited for them for dinner, but his mind was undeniably elsewhere.

* * *

"So, Mika-san told me today you went to Kyoto. Is this true, Eiri-san?" Tohma's smooth voice asked him over the phone, tainted with a touch of disbelief.

"Yeah," he answered, wondering how Mika already knew he was out there. Their father was probably so shocked by his visit – a visit he hadn't even needed to trick or manipulate Eiri into taking – that he called and blabbed it to her. Yeah, that was probably it. "So the cat's out the bag."

He heard Tohma chuckle softly. "There's nothing wrong with that. We were just surprised. Are you enjoying your mini-vacation, then?"

"It's… been interesting so far."

After Eiri had left Tatsuha's room, he and their father started dinner, but Tatsuha took his precious time in joining them. Eiri wouldn't have been surprised if he had actually gone back to finishing himself. When Tatsuha finally emerged, he clearly looked embarrassed, and remained silent for the rest of their meal. This was bewildering behavior, because Tatsuha wasn't usually so shy about his masturbatory or sexual endeavors. Eiri had even walked in on Tatsuha having sex with one of his ex-girlfriends once in his apartment, and even then Tatsuha said something as simple as, "Whoops, sorry for hogging your bed. Should we move over?" So his sudden shyness now only fueled Eiri's suspicions that he was somehow involved, and Tatsuha didn't want him to know.

Eiri slowly shuffled down the hall, cradling the cell phone in his hand. Tatsuha had retreated to his room immediately after dinner and remained unspoken of since. As he started passing by his younger brother's room, listening to Tohma chat idly in his ear, he noticed a piece of paper taped to the wall and addressed to him. Eiri bent closer to read:

"_Nosy brothers should learn how to KNOCK!"_

He smirked, amused at the antic. Eiri continued listening to Tohma on the phone as he moved down the hall to his own room and located a pen. He returned to Tatsuha's door and wrote underneath the other's scrawl:

"_It's not my fault you can't keep your hands out of your pants, loser. Try some self-control on for size."_

At the risk of their father coming down the hall and reading their exchange, Eiri removed the taped paper from the wall and instead slipped it underneath the screen into Tatsuha's room to keep their correspondence private. Then he left, capping his pen, and wished Tohma a goodnight.

Later that evening, before Eiri decided he should turn in for bed, he made a quick trip to the kitchen for a glass of water. When he returned, he found that the paper he'd put under Tatsuha's door was now under his. Eiri bent to retrieve the paper, and read the new words scribbled under his, the handwriting getting messier as if Tatsuha was experiencing an emotional reaction from having to explain himself:

"_That's easy for you to say. You and Mika have your own little rock stars to fuck. You don't know what it's like to want something you can't have."_

Eiri blinked, surprised by the choice of words. Tatsuha usually was more cheeky and sarcastic than this, but whatever he'd been doing tonight clearly had a deeper meaning than Eiri had realized. Want something you can't have? Was he talking about Ryuichi Sakuma? Or about just having a boyfriend in general? Eiri was sure Tatsuha could have any guy – or girl – he wanted, and didn't see how that would be the issue. Then, was he talking about…

Annoyed from having to interpret his brother's enigmatic message, and feeling a little streak of evil himself, Eiri decided to be just as cryptic:

"_Maybe I do."_

And he returned the paper to the crack under Tatsuha's door. Eiri lay in the covers of his futon, thinking over his response. What exactly did he mean by that? He wasn't sure he knew. He worried briefly if he was now playing with Tatsuha's emotions, then, and considered going back for the paper. Playing the sarcastic asshole card was usually much safer, but the words he'd chosen instead had just naturally flowed from his fingertips onto the page without much thought. So what did they mean?

Eiri thought about the things he wanted but couldn't have. Shuichi, who was eight time zones away, was definitely one of them. His gut twisted, aching for his little lover to return for just an evening, just long enough for Eiri to have his way with him and then send him back to work the next day. Yeah, that would be wonderful. But that wasn't possible right now, as Tohma had mentioned over the phone when describing their schedules and the possibility of visiting.

So was the thing he currently wanted but couldn't have sex? Well, yes. That had to be it. Eiri had everything else he wanted in the world, including peace and quiet without Shuichi's loud mouth around to stir up trouble. And from what he saw of Tatsuha that evening, and on many similar occasions before, that was what Tatsuha wanted, too. From him. So could Eiri's admission on that paper be interpreted as an invitation for sex?

Grilling that thought over and over in his head, and giving himself a headache over it, Eiri didn't even notice when he'd finally fallen asleep.

The next morning, Eiri delightedly woke up at a decent time, and it wasn't until he was calmly brushing his teeth in the bathroom to get ready for the day that he remembered the letter from the night before. He froze, toothbrush falling from his hands and into the sink with a splattering of toothpaste. He'd forgotten to get the paper back! What if Tatsuha had read it already?

He raced out of the bathroom and down the hall, stopping short in front of his brother's door. Eiri's eyes bugged out when he saw that the paper wasn't there anymore. The small, white corner he'd allowed to peek out from under the door was no longer there. Eiri dropped to his hands and knees and tried to see the page under the door, but with a devastated, sinking feeling in his gut, he saw that it was definitely not there. Tatsuha had already taken it.

Eiri returned to the bathroom. He felt sick. Saliva and toothpaste were mixing together in his foamy mouth and he almost heaved altogether.

He didn't even know exactly what he'd meant by _"Maybe I do"_, or how they would be interpreted by Tatsuha, but if his conjecture the previous evening had merit, he'd potentially just given Tatsuha the green light.

Sighing, Eiri bent and rinsed his mouth of toothpaste, vowing to stop playing with people's emotions so much, especially the people that loved him. A distant memory of Yuki Kitazawa flirting with a younger version of himself when he felt so fondly for the tutor creeped into his thoughts, as did the intense hurt he'd felt when realizing his feelings were only unrequited, and he was only being played with.

He was not going to be Kitazawa. Tatsuha deserved better than that.

**-TBC-**

* * *

**[Author's Note addendum]**: I'm having so much fun writing this fic. ^_^ Please tell me if you like how it's going so far. Otherwise, have a wonderful day!

Love,  
Ish :)


	4. Chapter 4

**[Chapter Rated]**: PG-13ish (pretty tame)

**[Chapter Warnings]**: Language, spoilers on Eiri's past, angst, incestuous kissing

******[Pairings]**: Eiri x Shuichi, Tatsuha x Eiri, Tatsuha x Shuichi, eventual Tatsuha x Eiri x Shuichi? WHO KNOWS. :]

**[Disclaimer]**: The characters in this piece belong to Maki Murakami and co.

**[Author's Notes]**: The timeline is set at some arbitrary time mid-series within the manga/anime. Title inspired by the song with the same name by The All-American Rejects.

This chapter's a little bit fucked up. ^^ Hope you enjoy!

* * *

**Dirty Little Secret**

**-Chapter 4-**

Eiri was prepared for the day to be potentially hazardous after their note-passing took a wrong turn. He was prepared to confront Tatsuha if he had to, to explain what he'd meant by _"Maybe I do"_ and save them both from embarrassment, to discover what Tatsuha meant in his own enigmatic responses, to finally unveil the mystery of what was going on in his brother's head. He was prepared for all of that by the time he finished washing up that morning, albeit after taking his time.

Only, none of those things happened, because Tatsuha suddenly started avoiding him.

His brother remained elusive for the rest of that day, like he had the evening before after the most awkward dinner ever. But his silence stretched on for days. Tatsuha disappeared out the door most mornings for school before Eiri even had a chance to wake up, and returned home late after spending his evenings in the temple. His plans seemed perfectly orchestrated around Eiri's schedule, as Eiri kept missing him by minutes. Tatsuha was definitely avoiding him.

So the troubled novelist resorted to previous tactics. After a couple of days, he taped a new note to Tatsuha's door for his brother to read when he woke up the next morning:

"_What the hell happened? You never responded to my last message. I thought we were having fun passing notes."_

Eiri gratefully awoke to a message. He'd been almost worried Tatsuha would avoid talking to him through that medium too, but was pleased Tatsuha found this a safe enough method to share his feelings.

"_Been busy. Stop toying around with me. What did you mean in your last note? Maybe I do?"_

Sighing, Eiri responded:

"_I don't know._

_What did you mean by wanting something you couldn't have?"_

Tatsuha didn't answer until late that evening:

"_I don't know."_

They were clearly getting nowhere. Eiri groaned when realizing he would have to talk to Tatsuha face-to-face to get anything meaningful out of him. Considering that he was on vacation, he had all the time in the world to do just that, so the prospect hardly bothered him. But Tatsuha was making himself purposefully unavailable these days. Eiri reluctantly guessed why.

* * *

Birds squawked loudly against the horizon as the first signs of dusk settled over the Buddhist temple. The descending sun cast long, dark shadows across the marble floors. Under the awning, Tatsuha ignored the unpleasant serenade of restless birds and instead focused his attention to the rhythmic sweeps of his broom as he cleared debris off the steps. Each stroke caused long, coarse bristles to squeal in unison past his sandaled feet, and dust and sand lifted off the marble in an aersol cloud before settling into the grass outside the temple. The repetitive motion put him in a calming trance.

Then he frowned, losing focus as his sweeping became more irregular. Eiri had walked in on him _jerking off_ to his _boyfriend_! Tatsuha wasn't sure if his brother even realized entirely what he saw, but he had let his guard down stupidly and now Eiri was unquestionably suspicious. But of what?

"_Is there something you want to tell me?"_ Eiri had asked. Just how much did Eiri know? How much could Tatsuha still get away with at this point?

"_You don't know what it's like to want something you can't have." "Maybe I do." _What did that mean? Did Eiri miss Shuichi, who was touring thousands of miles away? Did Eiri miss an ex? Was he craving a new lover? Was he craving the same thing Tatsuha was craving?

There were too many questions without answers swarming Tatsuha's anxious and addled brain.

He thought he might have been able to clear some of them up when Eiri reached out to him again that week with a note. Though he knew he was being childish by avoiding direct conversation, at least this way Tatsuha thought over his responses before putting his foot in his mouth again, and was thankful Eiri at least understood his need for discretion until he sorted things out. But their second note-passing experience only confused him more. More questions, no answers.

Tatsuha wanted so badly to confess to Eiri, to confess to _someone_ the nature of his feelings. His most personal secret. He hated keeping secrets. He wanted so badly to not hide anymore, and to express himself the way he wanted. Suppressing feelings as intense as his were drove him mad. Tatsuha thought for a while growing up, and felt it again this past week, that he was honestly going crazy. But even so, he knew he was glossing over the part that was _really_ crazy…

Was it wrong to be in love with someone you couldn't have? _Oh_, yes. When that person was your brother.

"Why me?" Tatsuha heard himself blurt out loud, the pitiful words falling from his pursed lips as they trembled just slightly. He froze, checking again to make sure he was alone; the temple visitors had long gone for the evening, and he was only left with the birds. No one had heard the strain in his voice, the pitch escalating just a bit towards the end as his throat closed up. His eyes were now burning with water, and the fine lines of the wood marking the handle of the broom blurred before him. A scalding hot tear fell from his eye. He couldn't believe he was actually crying over this now. "This must be what rock-bottom feels like…"

"No, rock-bottom is a lot shittier."

Tatsuha whipped around as fast as his heavy priest robes would allow, broom nearly falling from his hand.

Eiri stepped up under the awning of the temple, his own sandals clacking softly against the marble as he approached Tatsuha. He smoked down the rest of his cigarette, replacing his pack into the belt of his yukata like before. He eyed Tatsuha warily, tapping the ash away. "Hey."

Recovering from his initial shock, Tatsuha internally moved to a safer place and glared at his brother angrily. "I just fucking swept there! Go smoke outside, fucker!"

Eiri snuffed out the cigarette under his sandal and held his hands up in mock surrender. "Chill out. I'll take care of it. Care to spare a broom?"

Tatsuha's heart raced. Extending out his broom, he gave it away and moved down the porch to locate another in storage. "Whatever."

When he returned, Eiri had swept away the ash and was now clearing away the remaining sediment. Tatsuha took up a comfortable distance away from him, and soon they were sweeping in unison, enjoying tense but amicable company as they cleaned the temple in their last hour of light. All the while, feigning composure, Tatsuha couldn't help but wonder, _Why is he here? What is he up to?_

But leave it to Eiri to break an awkward silence. "So," the novelist began, continuing to sweep, "is Dad making you do chores again? Is that why you've awarded yourself a seat at rock-bottom?"

"Huh? No." Tatsuha faltered only slightly in his rhythm. He would be better today. He couldn't be so transparent if he was going to keep himself out of trouble. "I do this every night."

"Oh."

Another silence followed. Eiri hadn't pressed on about his admission of rock-bottom, which was relieving. Tatsuha focused his attention again on the broom, taking his mind to a different place. But the birds were still cawing in the distance, and they were so loud, Tatsuha was sure they were mocking him. Their calls were so clear, they could almost pass for words.

"So," Eiri began again. Tatsuha's fingers tightened around his broom, waiting for the inevitable. He knew it was coming now. "So, how is school?"

The younger brother blinked, bewildered. "U-uh, fine." Eiri, again, hadn't asked him what he thought he would ask him. _Why are you avoiding me? Why are you lusting after me? Why do you love me like this? _Nothing. "I have a math test tomorrow."

"Let me know if you need help studying."

"Okay."

Tatsuha was done with his end of the porch after another long stretch of silence. His anxiety had quickly dissipated as Eiri continued to keep quiet and leave him be, and in his own world, concentrating only on the sweeps of his broom and the scraping echo they made against the floor, Tatsuha could almost forget Eiri was there at all. He felt much better without all that pressure to hide.

"So," he heard over his shoulder, and the click of a lighter. Tatsuha turned around and found Eiri leaning against a pillar next to his forgotten broom, lighting a new cigarette.

"Huh?"

"Tats, why are you avoiding me?"

Eiri's words stabbed at him like a knife. Fuck, fuck, fuck! He steeled himself carefully before responding. "Wha? I don't know what you're talking about…" He resumed his sweeping, forcing himself to take even, relaxed strokes despite the adrenaline in his limbs itching for him to run away.

"Are we done with the juvenile games yet? I'm done passing notes."

"Hey! You were the one writing me a note this last time!"

"Only because you're avoiding me. Care to explain why or do I have to make guesses?"

Tatsuha glared hard at his brother. "What's it to you anyway? If I avoid you or not?"

Eiri's face remained serious as he said, "Well, I was looking forward to all this 'hardcore male bonding' you described and I'm afraid I'm disappointed by your efforts."

"I _said_ I've been busy, okay? Sorry. I have a math test!"

"Yeah, I heard you. Now tell me the real reason."

"The real reason for what?"

"Why you're avoiding me, idiot. Can you keep up?"

"I'm not fucking avoiding you! What part of that didn't you understand?"

"I've had it, Tatsuha. Enough beating around the bush. I'm sawing the bush down. Just be honest for once."

"Honest about what?"

"I swear, you are legitimately retarded."

"Eiri…" Tatsuha started, the syllables burning his lips as they tumbled out. But before he could retaliate further, he saw his older brother advancing upon him. Tatsuha went completely rigid, knuckles white around the broom handle. He could feel the sleek wood sliding between his palms as he was heavily perspiring now, shifting uncomfortably in his thick robes as Eiri stopped just inches from him.

"Tatsuha," Eiri said, crossing his arms, the material of his yukata pulling away from his wrists as they stretched over a full chest, exposing milky white skin over smooth, artful hands. With this proximity, Tatsuha couldn't ignore him anymore, couldn't look away.

"Tatsuha," Eiri said again, facing his younger brother directly. He wouldn't be evaded anymore. "I'm not trying to provoke you."

"Well… you are!"

"I'm trying to help you, Tats."

"Help me?"

"I can't help you if you don't talk to me, now can I?" He reached over and wrenched the abused broom free from Tatsuha's deathgrip, setting it aside.

The dark haired male mourned the loss of his broom to fiddle with as he was uncomfortably scrutinized by Eiri again. He'd always felt that his brother could see right through him, and that unnerved him. "I don't need help…"

Eiri chuckled softly, crossing his arms again. Tatsuha couldn't tear his eyes away from those milky white wrists. They were so delicate, belieing his brother's rather volatile demeanor. "Are you kidding me?" Eiri said, interrupting Tatsuha's helpless appreciation of his exposed skin. "Everyone in this family needs help. My question is, then," and he reached over to flick a strand of black hair from Tatsuha's eyes, "what is your crime?"

Tatsuha shied away from his brother's hand. "Leave me alone," he whispered, finally steering his gaze away.

Eiri ignored his soft plea. "What is it that you want but can't have? Is that what's been bothering you? Is it Shuichi?"

Sputtering, Tatsuha clenched his fists tightly at his sides, aching for the sound of the broom sweeping again to numb his mind. "What the hell – "

"You were moaning his name the other night while listening to his CD, weren't you? Do you do that every night?"

"Everyone's attracted to Shuichi. I don't see the big deal when – "

"Then is it me?"

"W-What? What?"

"You want to jump my bones? Is that it?"

Tatsuha opened his mouth to curse, but all he could manage was a strained, "Eiri, we're in a Buddhist temple. This is _hardly_ the time and place for this conversation!"

"It's dark and no one is here. Dad's inside the house. This is the perfect time and place for this conversation."

"There's never a perfect time and place for this conversation!"

"And why is that, Tats?" Eiri's eyes were still bright despite the sun being mostly set, and the dark shadows filled in the empty spaces in Tatsuha's peripheral vision so that all he could see was Eiri.

His brother's blazing eyes met his and Tatsuha was held in place by them. Eiri was _daring_ him to talk. He knew, he knew, he knew… "I'm gonna clock you if you don't get out of my face…"

"Just say it, Tats. You want to tell me."

That was an understatement. Tatsuha's whole body was alit with passion, with lust, with his desire that stood barely a foot from him, with anger, with humiliation. The words – they were just on the tip of his tongue. He was afraid that if he opened his mouth again, they would just topple out, so he bit his lip and kept quiet. He returned Eiri's gaze passively, remaining resolute in his silence.

Eiri stared him down. The blond could barely make out the blush on his brother's face in the shadows as dusk quickly swallowed up their light. During their heated exchange, Eiri hadn't even noticed when the birds stopped squawking. The only sound he could hear now was Tatsuha's labored breathing, so loud in the quiet stillness of the night. Not even the grasshoppers were out. He regarded his brother, and after some time, took a step back to give Tatsuha space. He turned just slightly to look out at the lawn, but he couldn't see more than a few feet before him, the rest enveloped in inky black.

When Eiri finally stepped away, Tatsuha exhaled shakily. He didn't even notice he'd been holding his breath. Perhaps that was why he started to sway, and his brain became fuzzy around the edges. Tatsuha felt his knees start to buckle beneath him, and against his better judgment, folded up and sat himself on the edge of one temple step. He never wanted Eiri to see him this weak. Tatsuha pulled his knees up close to his chest, the stiff priest garb giving way as he folded his arms on top of his knees and laid his head upon them.

Watching Tatsuha come undone, Eiri sighed, and after some time took a seat next to his brother on the steps, giving him ample space. Tatsuha was being even more stubborn than usual, but his prodding had been necessary. He couldn't watch Tatsuha eat himself alive anymore. Staring into his brother's eyes, he'd seen just how desperate Tatsuha felt, just how much he wanted for this to all to be revealed so he wouldn't have to fight it anymore. Eiri wondered for just how many years Tatsuha had been fighting it. "How did I never notice this before?" he asked softly to the night air.

Tatsuha lifted his head from his folded arms. "Well, we haven't spent this much time together in over six years." As an afterthought, he added quietly, "I've never told anyone. I didn't… want to ruin your life."

Laughing bitterly, Eiri finished his cigarette, stepping on the burning embers with his sandal even long after the flame had snuffed out. "You didn't need to worry. Someone else did that for you."

Tatsuha frowned. "What?"

"My tutor… from New York… he paid some thugs to gang rape me when I was sixteen. While he watched."

Tatsuha felt that he was in a tunnel somewhere, listening to his brother's voice from far away. He sat quietly, struggling to breathe as his throat tightened. He didn't fully register what Eiri told him for several minutes, digesting the admission that he'd somehow suspected but never dared to believe for years. How could this have happened to his Eiri? He pushed away the new mental images on impulse. No, he couldn't accept them! "Are… Are you serious?"

Eiri flipped his hair from his eyes, looking over at Tatsuha. Under the awning's shadows, Tatsuha's black priest clothes, and dark features, his brother almost blended in completely with the night. But he could hear the hitch in his breathing, the uncomfortable shifting, and knew Tatsuha was still there. "Would I lie to you?"

No, no, it was real. Eiri doesn't lie to him. This really happened six years ago. A million thoughts raced through Tatsuha's brain. _I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'M SORRY!_ Everything was making sense now. Thinking back, his brother's isolation, his reckless behavior, his promiscuity, his rebelling and moving to Tokyo to start a life that was finally in his control – it all made sense. _If only I had loved you enough, Eiri, you wouldn't have gotten hurt! Someone else took you away from me forever._

But only one thought managed to make it to Tatsuha's lips. "Why… are you telling me this now?"

Eiri leaned back on his hands, wishing they were somewhere other than the uncomfortable temple steps. He didn't sense Tatsuha's inner turmoil at all, not expecting much of a reaction since it was so long ago. "It was only fair." He stared again at the spot he thought Tatsuha was seated in the darkness. "My darkest secret… for yours." He paused before adding, "Your turn."

"B-but… I thought you just said you knew…"

"I think that I know, but I want to hear you say it. Spill, Tats."

He couldn't see his older brother in the dark anymore. He didn't know whether that was a blessing or a curse, because now he couldn't gauge Eiri's reactions to what he was saying, and stop while he was ahead. But as he let the night embrace him, as his eyes failed to adjust to the absolute blackness around him, Tatsuha could almost feel like he was alone, and only confessing to the solitude. That made it easier for him to say, "I love you, Eiri."

"…Did Dad put you up to this to get me to move back home?"

"W-What? No!"

"Oh."

It was quiet for a long time before he heard Eiri speak again. "…You love me? In what way? The way you love Mika… or the way you love Ryuichi Sakuma?"

Tatsuha took his time in responding with, "Both."

"Oh."

Eternities went by in silence. Tatsuha debated getting up and running away from home, to a place where Eiri couldn't find him. But Eiri pinned him back in place by speaking again. "How long have you felt this way?"

"Since… forever."

"Oh."

"You… don't sound very surprised."

"I guess I'm just used to people being attracted to me," Eiri responded. He shifted closer to where his brother sat. Something felt very personal about this conversation, and he wanted to block out the rest of the world. "Are you sure you love me, Tatsuha?"

The younger male felt a surge of something akin to lightning start from his throat and end in his groin upon hearing Eiri say his name like that, so low and hesitant but imploring. The hairs on the backs of his hands stood on end. Eiri had moved closer. He could feel the other's yukata on the ends of his fingertips. "I'm sure."

"Is it love? Or is it just sex you want?"

"…I don't know the difference between the two."

"No, I guess you wouldn't, would you?"

"Are you repulsed by me, Eiri? I will understand… if you never want to talk to me again. If you want to go home now."

"Repulsed isn't the right word. It's more like… intrigued."

Tatsuha looked up, trying to make out Eiri's form in the dark, but he couldn't find him. His fingers curled slightly around the end of the other's yukata, keeping him close. "Wha?"

"You seem relaxed now. Before, I could practically smell your fear. Just chill. I'm not going to beat you up."

"Okay, good." Tatsuha allowed himself a soft sigh of relief. This was going much better than he previously imagined. He opened his mouth to say more, but a hand suddenly gripped his upper arm. Tatsuha jumped in his seat, startled by the sudden contact in the dark. "Eiri?"

Keeping a hold on Tatsuha's arm so the other wouldn't run away, Eiri's other hand snaked out in the night and found his brother's chin. The novelist gripped his face firmly and leaned in, giving Tatsuha a bruising kiss. His brother's lips were foreign, wet and warm and trembling a little.

Tatsuha was frozen in place, eyes wide but still unseeing in the dark, taken aback by Eiri's aggressive and unexpected kiss. He reached up on instinct, digging his fists into Eiri's hair and the material of his yukata. He might never get an opportunity like this again. Tatsuha didn't know what was going on, but knew better than to say no to it. He moaned, his tongue slipping past their lips to memorize the taste of his brother forever.

Abruptly, Eiri pulled away. His fingers tightened around Tatsuha's arm assertively. He wanted to convey his attitude in his grip since Tatsuha couldn't see the stern look on his face. "A lot of people are just trying to use me for sex, Tats. Are you one of them?"

"N-no! I'm not trying to use you!" The younger paused, breathing shallow as he tried to figure out where this exchange was going. His lips burned with the memory of Eiri upon them. This was too good to be true. "Trust me, Eiri… There's no one in this world who loves you more than I do. Not even Shuichi."

Eiri released him, and was quiet for a while as he turned the thought over in his head. "There's only one problem with that."

Tatsuha remained still beside him, moving only his mouth to ask, "What?"

"You're my brother, and I'm not attracted to you."

The younger's mouth fell open. Somewhere inside him, he felt something snap despite the rest of him being completely numb. The tornado of thoughts in his head all at once came to a screeching halt. Words failed him. Somehow, he vaguely heard Eiri move beside him, the sounds of cloth rustling as Eiri apparently stood up, and then grass and gravel crunching underfoot as his brother walked away from him.

Tatsuha didn't register until minutes later that Eiri left him alone. Not just physically, but emotionally. Inside, something painfully cold twisted his heart in its fist. His body shivered, because even though he felt cold, hot tears started falling from his face, hitting the limp hands in his lap. The feeling of being hot and cold at the same time left Tatsuha paralyzed, wondering again what he had done to deserve this.

Eiri rejected him. Tatsuha thought for a minute that Eiri would actually be receptive to the idea. All signs were pointing in that direction, anyway. Their conversation was so relaxed, so… understanding. And then Eiri rejected him.

He was foolish for being so hopeful. He was foolish for falling in love with his brother. He was an idiot! Finding his legs, Tatsuha leapt to his feet suddenly with a strangled roar, hands fisted so tight he could feel his fingernails cut welts into his palms. His broom fell, being flung free of the wall by the flailing ends of his robe as he raged. His hands blindly reached out for the broom, and without thinking, Tatsuha snapped the thick, wooden handle in two with a strength he didn't know he had, feeling splinters fly against his bare hands without seeing them. How could Eiri do this to him?

No, no, this wasn't the end of it. It couldn't be! Not after he finally gathered the courage to confess the secret he'd been hiding for – what – ten years? Not after Eiri finally confessed his own long-kept secret, which had to mean something, right? Why now? Why this time? This was only the beginning! He was sure of it!

Someone else – Eiri's tutor – was to blame for Eiri being the way he was. For taking away from him the boy Tatsuha grew up with and came to love so much. He wasn't going to let Eiri hurt anymore. He was determined to save his brother now that he knew the truth. He wanted his Eiri back.

Tatsuha dropped the shards of wood from his hands, moving down the temple steps carefully in the black night and in the direction Eiri disappeared using nothing more than memory.

Besides, he'd worked too hard to win Eiri's love, for years. He wasn't going to give it up that easily.

Tatsuha willed his nerves to relax as he calmly returned to the house to change into his pajamas and study for his math test.

**-TBC-**

* * *

**[Author's Note addendum]**: Please review and let me know if you like how the fic is going so far! I'm going at a nice, slow, steady pace so I can fully develop their feelings, but I promise more exciting things are on their way, as well as more characters than just these two. :) Bear with me. Next chapter, things definitely will pick up! Hope you liked this chapter, though. It was rather fun to write because it was so dark.

Have an awesome weekend!

Love,  
Ish :)


	5. Chapter 5

**[Chapter Rated]**: PG-13

**[Chapter Warnings]**: Language, incestuous kissing, more language

******[Pairings]**: Eiri x Shuichi, Tatsuha x Eiri, Tatsuha x Shuichi, eventual Tatsuha x Eiri x Shuichi? WHO KNOWS. :]

**[Disclaimer]**: The characters in this piece belong to Maki Murakami and co.

**[Author's Notes]**: The timeline is set at some arbitrary time mid-series within the manga/anime. Title inspired by the song with the same name by The All-American Rejects.

Yes, I'm still alive! I'm so sorry about the delay on this... For those of you following me on LJ, you know about my recent technical issues, but also I've just been a lazy ass. This chapter was a little difficult for me to write, but I worked really hard on it (rewrote parts of it a dozen times, I swear...) so I hope you enjoy it. :)

* * *

**Dirty Little Secret**

**-Chapter 5-**

Heaving a most forlorn sigh, Shuichi set down his pen and crossed his legs in bed, reading over the postcard he'd finished writing. He idly made a few changes to the words until he deemed his spelling acceptable enough for Eiri's reviewal. Finally satisfied, Shuichi set his writing materials aside and stared out of the tour bus window as a blanket of dull, gray clouds dispensed rain around them, blurring Shuichi's view of the scenery. He thumped his head against the glass and closed his eyes, sighing again. The van's vibrations shook him gently as it proceeded down a long and twisting highway in the Spanish countryside to its next destination.

On the other side of the narrow hallway, Hiro was busy tuning a guitar and chatting with Suguru, who lay relaxed on the bunk above him. Exhaustion darkened both of their faces, since the demanding tour only allowed decent rest in between cities. Suguru was falling in and out of a restless sleep, and Hiro found no such luck partnered with insomnia. Both of them blamed Shuichi, who was growing more depressed by the day and keeping everyone troubled.

After Shuichi's second sigh, Hiro looked up, eyes heavy beneath his bangs. "Alright, what is it?"

"Nothin'…"

Hiro chuckled, strumming the guitar softly to himself. "Shu, don't be silly."

The singer frowned, turning to look over at his best friend. "I'm… I'm lonely, okay?"

"Yeah, we know. You remind us constantly," Suguru piped up from the top bunk, voice slurring a little as if on the edge of sleep.

"It's only been two weeks, Shuichi," Hiro added, still playing an aimless tune. "Surely you have been without him for two weeks before."

Shuichi uncrossed his legs and instead pulled his knees up to his chest defensively. "I know, I know. I just…"

"Yeah, yeah. I miss Ayaka-chan, too. You can be strong, Shuichi."

Chewing his lip, Shuichi looked at Hiro and nodded slowly. To them, it might have been okay. To Shuichi, it was easier said than done! He knew that it was only going to get worse from here as the weeks stretched on. He missed Eiri so much! The feeling was already unbearable! What was he going to do!

He shifted in his bunk to look at the collage of pictures he'd pinned up of Eiri – pictures he'd taken of them, pictures Eiri didn't _know_ he'd taken of them, pictures he found in magazines and news articles, _anything_ with his mysterious boyfriend's face on it.

"You know," he started, musing to himself, "I'm glad Yuki went home to visit his family. Maybe he won't feel so alone, then. Like I am."

Hiro stopped plucking his strings, guitar forgotten on his lap.

Shuichi looked over inquisitively when the music stopped. "Something wrong?"

"Heh… I was just surprised. That was a very grown-up thing of you to say, Shu-chan."

"What was?"

"Instead of saying something like, 'I hope he's miserable without me so he knows how I feel!' – classic _you_, you know – you're actually hoping he's having a nice time with his family. Maybe being with him has matured you a bit." Hiro smiled, returning to his strings. "I don't think I hate him as much anymore."

Blinking, Shuichi watched Hiro play his guitar, twisting the tuners occasionally until he found the desired tension in each string. "W-well, that's good! Because Yuki and I are eternal!"

"Mmhmm."

"How do _you_ ease the loneliness, Hiro?"

"It's a remarkable thing, Shuichi. They have these things called _telephones_ now – "

"Bite me!"

"Can you guys shut up now so I can sleep?" Suguru's voice shouted at them, muffled by pillow, and both friends laughed, earning a warning growl from the synth player.

"Sorry, Fujisaki-kun, _sorry~_," Shuichi pleaded quietly, unfolding his limbs and getting up from his bed. "I'm gonna go put my postcard in with the other mail! Be back in a minute."

Making a grand gesture of tiptoeing out of the room, Shuichi slipped into the adjoining living area where K was flipping through a magazine. He greeted the American and moved down to where a makeshift office was set up, and planted his postcard on top of a few others he'd be mailing that afternoon. Glancing up, he could see through the thin partition that separated them from the tour bus driver, and out the windshield he saw a winding road curling through a gorgeous, green landscape. The rain had slowed and now glittered in a burgeoning sunray that slipped through an endless sheet of gray clouds. Nittle Grasper's tour bus drove a comfortable distance in front of them.

Shuichi smiled. Though lonely, he couldn't help but feel like he was having the time of his life on tour. The only thing that could make his excitement any greater was if Eiri was there with him, holding his hand and telling him how amazing he was now as a multi-platinum-selling artist.

Well, at least Shuichi could pretend. He held his cupped hands over his heart and floated his way back to his room. When they finally got to Valencia, Shuichi was determined to try and talk Seguchi into letting Eiri visit again. Though his previous attempts had been shot down due to being an "unnecessary distraction," Shuichi wasn't one to be dissuaded easily. He emphasized this with a hearty thumbs up to K as he passed his manager again.

K's brow creased, watching Shuichi disappear back into his room. The singer had walked in depressed and left exhilarated. Shaking his head, K licked his thumb to flip another page of his magazine. "What is that crazy kid up to now, I wonder?"

* * *

The next morning, Eiri listened from a safe distance as his younger brother hummed a tune off of Bad Luck's new CD, grabbed some toast from the kitchen, and disappeared out the door for school. Tatsuha's mood, in startling contrast to his uncharacteristic nervous energy from earlier in the week, seemed entirely too relaxed and easygoing today. Eiri sat surprised on the porch, stirring his coffee.

As strange as the novelist was accustomed to his family being, the previous evening had certainly taken the cake. Tatsuha professing his love for him was not what he'd been expecting. Not at all. Eiri knitted his brows in worry, sipping coffee too hot for his tongue. Had he gone too far? Had he provoked him? Was this all his fault? Eiri was sure he could turn everything into his fault, in some way or another. But he really didn't think he'd done anything that could have instilled this incestuous desire in his brother. Nothing he'd done growing up could be skewed in such a way, so where did this come from?

The coffee burned a trail down his throat before he even realized he wasn't paying attention to it. Eiri gasped to cool down his mouth, tearing the mug away. The last thing he needed now was an ulcer!

However, the throbbing burns were quickly forgotten as Eiri mused. _Why did I kiss him? How big of an idiot am I?_

Before he could struggle to answer his own questions, the sound of squealing tires tore through an otherwise tranquil morning. Eiri looked up as a sleek car pulled into the temple yard and parked just beside his Mercedes under the tree. He stood, stretching his legs, and wandered over to the vehicle, coffee in hand.

The car door flung open impatiently, and the driver peeked her head out. "Speak of the devil! It's true."

Eiri smirked, holding the door open as his sister struggled out of her seat. "I don't think pregnant chicks are supposed to be driving like that."

Flipping a long mane of neatly-coifed, silk hair over her shoulder, Mika Seguchi stood and steadied herself against the frame of the car. "I know what I'm doing!" She moved to open the trunk, flicking the button on her key ring and reaching in for her belongings. "My feet are killing me. My ankles are swollen to shit! Hurry up and get my bags, Eiri."

She withdrew two suitcases from the trunk and set them at Eiri's feet. Eiri stared at them passively, grabbing the handle of one with a sigh before Mika snatched the coffee from his other hand.

"Thanks, Eiri!" She took a tentative sip of his coffee and walked off with it in hand, trying not to get her stilettos caught in gravel.

Glaring at his sister's back, Eiri grabbed the other suitcase with his now freed hand and followed her into the house. _She's pregnant. Don't hit her_, he had to remind himself before facing her again in the hall. "We weren't expecting you."

Mika sipped her coffee with a smirk. "We weren't expecting you either! It's nice to see you at home willingly, Eiri."

"Yeah, I've been hearing that a lot this week."

His sister paused for a while before adding, "You're not the only one with a lover on the other side of the world. Maybe I got lonely, too." She started moving into the kitchen, more relaxed now that she left her boots at the door.

"Huh." Eiri followed her for lack of a better thing to do. And to pour a new coffee for himself.

"So how have you been here?" Mika asked over her shoulder.

Eiri looked away nervously, remembering last night. "Alright, I guess."

"Is Tatsuha in school?"

"Yeah."

"Good, good." Mika set her mug down on the counter before reaching into her overstuffed handbang, withdrawing a stack of letters. "I took the liberty of stopping by to get your mail. Can't forget your bills, dimwit!"

"You're too kind." Eiri took the stack reluctantly, flipping through the addresses. There were at least five postcards from Shuichi already. "You've got to be kidding me…"

"What is it?"

"How does Shuchi have the time to send all these postcards? Either way, I told him not to bother."

"Hmph. That kid never knew how to listen."

"He must have picked that up from me."

"It wouldn't surprise me, Eiri."

"So, how far along are you now?" Eiri gestured to his sister's baby bump, expertly concealed under a ruched blouse and shawl.

"Twenty-five weeks now!"

"So Tohma's going to make it home just in time, huh?"

"He better! I can't do this alone."

"I refuse to coach you through your delivery if their tour runs late," Eiri said, pulling a new mug from the cabinet and pouring himself coffee from the pot he prepared earlier.

"I know, asshole, I know! I don't expect you to!"

The anxiety Mika was feeling as she snapped at him and shifted back and forth on both feet was not lost on Eiri, and for a moment he felt a pang of sympathy for his sister who was left alone to care for herself at such a challenging and crucial time. He could even forgive her painfully shrill voice and oppressive demands when he put it into perspective. He thought it was sad that Tohma had abandoned her at such a time to go perform, but Eiri knew that Tohma had his reasons, and didn't bother to question them. Not to mention, Mika was hardly helpless. Nevertheless, his concern for her was sufficient enough for Eiri to forget about Tatsuha for the time being, and he visibly relaxed.

Pot still in hand, Eiri moved to refill Mika's coffee but she covered the mug with her hand, shaking her head with a soft jangle of gold earrings. "No, thanks. I'm on a one hundred and fifty milligram caffeine restriction."

"Suit yourself." Eiri emptied the pot into his mug. "Go sit already so I don't have to hear about your ankles later. I'm making breakfast."

Mika quirked her lips into an amused smile, strutting out of the kitchen with her coffee and a jaunty salute. "I love being pregnant."

* * *

A light breeze picked up and whished through a cluster of trees overhanging the well-worn path to the Uesugi temple. Sweetly-scented flowers raining down around him, Tatsuha sat back on the seat of his bicycle, pedalling along hands-free. Instead, his hands tapped a beat on his thighs as he mumbled the lyrics to another Bad Luck song, officially enamored by their latest CD. He hadn't stopped listening to the disc all week!

That morning, Tatsuha left for school on his old bike, annoyed that a vital part for his motorcycle was still being passed along in the mail and hadn't yet arrived. He was itching for his speed machine again, but if being in love with Eiri had taught him anything over the years, it was a decent amount of patience. Tatsuha knew how to bide his time to get what he wanted, and made due with the bike as he pedalled through a particularly beautiful shower of sakura petals.

It had been harder than he thought it would be to put Eiri's rejection out of his mind the night before, to relax and not let it eat him up, but Tatsuha found himself tossing and turning all night. He worried about what it meant for their familial relationship, about what it meant for their life-long friendship. Things just couldn't stay the same after what happened! Would Eiri avoid him now? Would Eiri hate him, not trust him, never get close to him again? The thought made Tatsuha's stomach lurch several times throughout the day at school. All morning, the teen waited anxiously for his return home so he could somehow make things right again.

Did Eiri seem disgusted with him? Well, Tatsuha hadn't been able to see Eiri's face last night, but his brother seemed quite calm and rather understanding. Maybe Eiri wasn't as opposed to this as he let on. That didn't surprise Tatsuha, though. He knew he was a master of seduction, and before he pedalled into the clearing and saw his family temple materialize up ahead, a sense of realization was dawning on him. Tatsuha suddenly felt he understood, and with renewed fervor, he leaped off his bike.

Tatsuha completely bypassed the second car parked under the trees and entered his house unawares, raking a hand through his impossibly black hair and freeing a wayward sakura that had followed him home. _Today should be interesting_, he thought, and turned to leave his shoes at the door when a familiar pair of expensive boots caught his eye. "Uh oh…"

"Tatsuha, is that you?" his sister's voice shouted from the next room.

Tatsuha pursed his lips, and shuffled in to greet Mika with a small wave. She was an unexpected obstacle. "Hey, sis. What brings you here?"

Mika had her ankles propped up on pillows, and sipped a sparkling water as she watched TV in the den. It had taken years of favors and persuasion to convince their father to bring a cable television into the house. Now Uesugi-san turned out to be its most frequent user. When Tatsuha didn't find his dad in sight – he always used one of his kids as an excuse to watch, never disgracing himself to turn it on alone – he figured his dad was still working in the temple. He knew he should change and join his dad soon, but Tatsuha's curiosity was now piqued by the arrival of his oldest sibling.

"Tats," Mika quirked her lips in annoyance. "Welcome home. I'm just visiting! Can't I do that once in a while?"

Cringing, Tatsuha nodded. And so began the mood swings. "Yeah, yeah, sorry! Glad to have ya."

"That's much better."

"Where's Eiri?" he asked, slipping his hands into the pockets of his jeans casually.

"Behind you."

Tatsuha jumped slightly, turning his head to see Eiri emerge from the kitchen with a beer. He could feel his own pulse begin to quicken, knowing Mika watched them both completely unaware. "Just where I like him," Tatsuha responded offhand, unable to resist smirking.

Eiri's next step faltered. His eyes widened as he stared back at Tatsuha in moritfication.

Pleased with Eiri's reaction, Tatsuha turned away, remaining casual as he asked, "So, how's my nephew?"

Mika didn't notice the tension between her brothers, swirling the drink in her hand and watching little bubbles escape to the crisp surface, only to disappear. It was hardly a beer, but Mika could pretend for the time being. "A pain in my ass," she said, and reached for the TV remote to change channels.

"Heh. It's not much longer, though, right?"

"He'll be arriving frighteningly soon. But enough about that, how was your day?"

"Pleasant enough. I had a math test."

Eiri finally recovered from Tatsuha's previous pass to add, "Oh yeah, did you bomb it?"

Turning to look at him, the youngest Uesugi replied, "Surprisingly, no. I mean, it was hard… but I'm not one to give up that easily." Another smirk, another wary look from Eiri. Tatsuha was already enjoying how the evening was transpiring, and yet there was still so much left to come.

"Eiri, go start dinner. I'm starved!" Mika interrupted, still oblivious to Eiri's discomfort.

"You're itching for a death wish, Mika," the blond growled, nursing his beer. Still, he turned on his heel and retreated to the kitchen, if only to get away from his nuisance of a brother.

With no such luck, Eiri turned just in time to see Tatsuha follow him into the kitchen. His fingers tightened around the arm of the refrigerator, glaring hard at Tatsuha who whistled as he strutted in, hands still in pockets. "Get _out_," the blond snarled, unconvinced by the other's nonchalance.

"Wha? I'm just grabbing a soda, Eiri." Tatsuha grinned, waltzing up beside him.

Eiri stepped back defensively. "I don't know what you're up to today, but you're on thin ice, brat."

"I'm not up to anything," Tatsuha said, giving Eiri his most piercing gaze. "I'm just not hiding anymore, is all."

"Stop that."

"Stop what?"

"Looking at me like that."

"Hey, you wanted to know! You were the one who cornered me and forced me to talk, Eiri!"

Eiri buried himself in the refrigerator, refusing to look at Tatsuha as he gathered ingredients for dinner. When he pulled away and spread his items on the countertop, he saw Tatsuha pull one hand free of his pocket and grab his wrist. Eiri froze, and hissed, "Don't _touch_ me."

"Eiri," Tatsuha lowered his voice, and pressed up closer to Eiri's side, making their conversation unnervingly intimate, "Are you honestly saying that kiss meant nothing to you? Are you freakin' serious?"

Jerking his hand free, the novelist moved a more comfortable distance away. "I've made a lot of mistakes this week," he said, lowering his voice as well, "the first being my coming here at all! I'm going home."

"Don't be like that," Tatsuha whined, leaning back against the counter. "Don't leave."

"I thought I made myself clear to you last night, but it appears I've only lit a fire under your ass. I'm not gonna deal with this – "

"But you _are_ dealing with it. You fucking _kissed_ me! What was I supposed to think?"

"That… was a mistake."

"So you're just leading me on, are you?"

"It was an unintentional mistake."

"Bull_shit_, Eiri!" Tatsuha leaped forward, balling the collar of Eiri's shirt in his fist. "I've kissed a lot of people, Eiri, and nobody kisses me like that if they don't want me. I'm not stupid."

Instinctively, Eiri's hand went up to shove Tatsuha away. He could feel his heart racing in the cage of his chest, and he wasn't sure why. Why did he feel the need to defend himself so fiercely? "You're delusional!"

"Hey!" Mika's voice shouted from the other room, and both brothers stilled. "Less fighting, more cooking! Don't make me come in there or I'll skin you both! I said I'm fucking starved!"

Tatsuha huffed, willing himself to calm down, and stepped up to his brother again, lowering his voice as he said, "We used to be so close. Best friends, remember? I thought that maybe – "

"Where did this come from? Where did these feelings come from?" Eiri interrupted in an angry whisper.

"I-I don't know. I've been asking myself that for ten years."

"This is extremely inappropriate, even for you."

"But _why_? Why is it wrong? It's not like it's anybody's business, right?"

"Why am I arguing over whether having an affair with my younger brother is acceptable or not?" Eiri pinched the bridge of his nose, sighing in defeat. "There has to be some idiot-chemical disseminated in the air here. I've truly lost it."

"All I know is that I love you, Eiri, and I want you to love me back. Geez, I'm not asking for much!"

Eiri whipped his hand away from his face, eyes incredulous. "Are you serious? Not asking for much?"

Tatsuha crossed his arms, leaning into Eiri's ear until he could feel blond hairs tickling his nose. "Nobody has to know about any of this."

Eiri didn't say anything, and he didn't push Tatsuha away, so the younger felt comfortable enough to lean in closer still.

The novelist warred in his head, feeling his brother's breath on his ear, thinking how nauseating it felt, and why he didn't really mind it. Why was this so fucked up, and at the same time so intriguing? From the corner of his eye, he saw Tatsuha's eyes shining under the fluorescent lighting, face half concealed by his uncomfortable proximity. Eiri felt goosebumps prickle beneath his collar when he murmured, "Enough."

Tatsuha only moved his head away, body close enough to bump chests with Eiri. "We've been exchanging girls for years. It was only a matter of time before we turned to each other, right?"

"What kind of lousy logic is that?"

"All I'm saying is… I want to know what all the fuss is about. W-well, no, that's not really what I'm saying. Before you think that I'm trying to _use_ you, I need you to know that… I don't think I can love anybody else. Honestly."

Clenching his jaw, Eiri bent his head until it rested on Tatsuha's forehead. His younger brother's breath was shallow against his face. He seemed to be all talk, but Eiri was surprised to see that Tatsuha was apparently nervous. Why did he find that so… so _cute_? "That's not my problem."

"What? Really?"

"Since I can't seem to encourage you to find this as wrong as I do, let me put this another way for you. I have enough on my hands dealing with Shuichi, and I don't need anyone else right now."

"Shuichi can join, too."

"What?"

"I like Shuichi," Tatsuha drawled, craning his head closer until he just barely grazed Eiri's lips, "but I love you~"

"You're one sick fuck, Tatsuha."

"I have you to blame for that."

Impulsively, Eiri closed the distance between them, and ravaged Tatsuha's lips, already open and bidding him entry. He could feel his brother's arms snake around his neck, his brother's body flush against his. The feeling stirred something within him. Shuichi was much smaller, more frail. But Tatsuha was lean and muscled and rough. He could feel his hairs tugged by greedy fingers on the back of his head, wet lips crushing against him as if afraid Eiri would disappear any moment. Tatsuha was already hard, that bastard. Eiri groaned, angry and sick and aroused and hating it.

Abruptly, he pulled away. "Are you happy now?" Eiri pushed Tatsuha aside and returned to the counter of forgotten groceries. He felt his face furiously blush.

Tatsuha was grinning stupidly. "Oh yes."

"Will you leave me alone now?"

"Sorry, Eiri, I'm not _cured_ or anything."

"Damn."

Tatsuha laughed, slipping his hands in his pockets again. "See, you liked that, right? And nobody has to know about it."

"Just go away."

"I'll leave you alone for now. Yeah, yeah. But," and he moved closer to Eiri again for emphasis, leaning in until his lips brushed over the shell of Eiri's ear. He saw his brother twitch violently, and grinned before continuing, "I wonder, did Shuichi really expect you to be celibate for three whole months? You're already cracking." Tatsuha slipped one hand around Eiri's waist to grope just beneath his belt buckle, and leaped back just in time as Eiri swung a kitchen knife at him that he'd been using to cut vegetables.

"Fuck off!"

"I'm leavin'!" Tatsuha laughed his way right out of the kitchen, untucking his shirt from his jeans along the way, preparing to change into his priest garb to study at the temple.

It was great being a master seducer, he knew, but it was even better when they fought back a little. Tatsuha realized in the past twenty-four hours how much Eiri was actually fighting with himself, and he fully intended to take advantage of that. This just kept getting easier and easier as Tatsuha twisted his arm. His heart felt so much lighter now that he wasn't struggling to hide his feelings, and for a moment there in the kitchen, he had felt close to Eiri again, like they used to be.

"What was all that yelling about?" Mika asked him as he passed through the den on his way to his room.

Tatsuha didn't even hide his smile as he said, "Just a little messin' around. Don't worry, Mika-chan."

"That was messing around? I wasn't about to come break up a fight while pregnant. You two are deranged!"

Under his breath, coolly strutting down the hall to his room, Tatsuha mumbled, "You have no idea~"

**-TBC-**

* * *

**[Author's Note addendum]**: Ehehehe, I'm not sure I liked this chapter 100%, but I needed to advance the story in this way before the next series of events. This is the biggest cocktease of a story I've ever written ahahahah. Please comment and critique, and tell me if you like where this story is going. Otherwise, enjoy the rest of your weekend and thank you for taking the time out to read this. *hugs*

Love,  
Ish :)


	6. Chapter 6

**[Chapter Rated]**: NC-17

**[Chapter Warnings]**: Language, strong sexual situations, incest, angst

******[Pairings]**: Eiri x Shuichi, Tatsuha x Eiri, Tatsuha x Shuichi, eventual Tatsuha x Eiri x Shuichi? WHO KNOWS. :]

**[Disclaimer]**: The characters in this piece belong to Maki Murakami and co.

**[Author's Notes]**: The timeline is set at some arbitrary time mid-series within the manga/anime. Title inspired by the song with the same name by The All-American Rejects.

I'm sorry about the massive delay getting this out! I'm still alive, I promise. :) The semester just ended, so my free time opens up quite a bit now. I've also been struggling with a little writer's block. I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint. Please tell me what you think!

* * *

**Dirty Little Secret**

**-Chapter 6-**

Rising gracefully from his kneel, Tatsuha smoothed out the creases in his kimono, hearing the soft clatter of his prayer beads with each sweep of his meticulous hand. The scent of incense filled his nose as he changed positions and stretched his legs. It was a comfortable afternoon on the weekend. Listening to the hawks and songbirds chanting in the distance, soaring against a cloudless, blue sky, brought Tatsuha immense peace at the temple. There weren't any visitors yet today, so he took his time and lingered at the altar, counting his breaths in relaxing meditation. Watching the small curl of smoke rise from the remaining snatch of incense in the burner really made Tatsuha want a cigarette, though. He bowed his head, shifting from foot to foot, until it burned out.

When his meditation had finished, the youngest Uesugi moved to quietly blow out all the lit candles. A persistent mosquito bite on his neck made Tatsuha fling his sleeve too quickly in an attempt to scratch it, and the long cloth accidentally raked through an open flame, his garb catching fire. Tatsuha didn't notice at first until an irritating warmth licked at his arm, and he grabbed the sleeve in time to watch a hole burn right through it.

"OH FUCK!" he screeched loudly, flailing his arm until he found the sense to whack out the fire with his other sleeve. A flurry of birds stirred and flew away when his sudden exclamation echoed off the walls.

"Stop cursing in the temple!" he heard his father shout from the next corridor over.

Tatsuha frowned and inspected the damaged priest kimono with ginger fingers. This sucked! His dad didn't have room left in his bitter heart to be any angrier with him. "Dammit!" the teen snarled in a hushed whisper, hurriedly moving back to the house to see how he could salvage the kimono.

Eiri was in the kitchen nursing a beer when he entered, brushing right past the blond to hover over the sink and assess the damage to his sleeve.

At the lip of the kitchen entrance, Eiri was returning back to his room, but hesitated out of curiosity. He had to know what the unrest was first, so instead he veered up to his brother's side and peeped over his shoulder. "What's going on?"

Gritting his teeth, Tatsuha held up the red, inflamed skin to a light. "My robe caught on fire."

"Again?" Eiri snorted, sipping his beer. "Looks like you did away with your arm hair there."

Tatsuha glared, yanking down his tattered sleeve. "Stop laughing! This shit is so expensive. I can't replace another one on _my_ allowance. I'll have to buy some new material and fix it myself." Trudging out of the kitchen disappointedly, Tatsuha hollered over his shoulder, "Are you busy? Can you come help me with this? It actually really hurts."

"Help you with what? Drying your baby tears?"

Tatsuha snagged the novelist's wrist, exasperated, and pulled him down the hall. "You talk too much, Eiri. Help me unravel this straitjacket."

In Tatsuha's bedroom, Eiri curled his fingers under the thick garment, waiting for Tatsuha to untie the obi, before he pulled it free of his shoulders. And then he promptly froze, mouth falling open with surprise. "…You don't wear anything under your kimono?"

"Eheheh, oh yeah, I forgot!" Tatsuha looked over his shoulder with a big, shameless grin, prayer beads jangling at his neck. "Come on, Eiri. This is hardly the first time you've seen me naked."

"Circumstances have changed since then…"

"Yeah, yeah, just get this off of me. My arm is burning like crazy."

"Let me see that."

Holding Tatsuha's wrist, Eiri looked down at the hairless arm, poking it carefully and watching his white fingerprint dip into the crimson skin.

Tatsuha watched him, his only sign of discomfort being a slight crease around his eyes. It didn't hurt _nearly_ as bad as he was implying, but it certainly paid off being able to stand naked in front of Eiri. Since their stolen kiss a few days before when Mika had arrived, their tension relaxed to bearable levels. They no longer seemed to be at each other's throats, but they also hadn't progressed either. Tatsuha kept enough distance to not provoke Eiri, but still remained close as a constant reminder – or, as Tatsuha liked to put it – temptation.

While Eiri inspected his arm, Tatsuha was inspecting him. His brother had such a strong, handsome face, chin tapered to carry two smooth, pink lips that were, he'd come to realize recently, addictive to kiss. Brown lashes shadowed striking, golden eyes that flicked over Tatsuha's naked skin with hesitation. Blond hair glittered in the afternoon sun filing into his window, brushing over Tatsuha's forehead as Eiri leaned in to lightly press his lips over the burn on his arm.

"Will you stop whining now?" The novelist stepped back, releasing his hold. Eiri wasn't sure why he'd done that, but remembered a time when they were younger and Eiri had kissed all of Tatsuha's injuries to will the pain away. He hadn't done that in years, and became momentarily flustered with his lapse in composure.

Tatsuha, in contrast, felt a little drool slipping past his lip. "That was so hot, Eiri."

"Ugh, you're incorrigible. Go put an ice pack on your arm!"

Eiri turned to leave the room, but the young monk caught his wrist. Moving closer, he pressed his bare chest into Eiri's torso and crooned into his ear, "But I'm naked. Can you go get one for me?"

Frowning, but face devoid of its previous abhorrence, Eiri nodded and left for the kitchen. Watching him leave, Tatsuha gleefully smiled and floated over to his futon, tucking himself in and clearing room for Eiri so when the other returned, he'd find Tatsuha propped up in a seductive pose, with room enough in his futon for Eiri to slip in beside him.

Eiri finally returned to Tatsuha's room, absently sliding the paper door closed behind him, but when he caught sight of the other, he paused mid-step. "…Are you kidding me?"

Still grinning, Tatsuha patted the futon where he'd curled back the covers in silent invitation. "Come on, Eiri."

Eiri rolled his eyes and feigned throwing the ice pack instead. "What makes you think I came here for that? I only agreed to helping with your arm."

"I don't know what you're talking about! I'm just inviting you to get a little more comfortable, jerk!"

"I'm not convinced." But Eiri shuffled over to Tatsuha's futon and took a seat a reasonable distance away, not wanting to appear anticipatory but also not shying away from the prospect. Ungracefully, he plopped the cloth-covered ice pack onto the monk's arm. "There."

"Shit, that's c-cold! It's making my nipples really hard."

"Alright, I'm outta here – "

"Eiri, I'm just kidding! Don't leave!" Seeing his brother moving to get up, Tatsuha flung himself over Eiri's body, sending them both tumbling back to the floor with Tatsuha on top, straddling Eiri's hips.

"OW!" Eiri clutched the back of his head that had made contact with the wood floor.

"Are you okay? Lemme see." Bending at the waist, Tatsuha breathed over Eiri's ear while stroking the back of his blond head. "Looks good to me…"

Eiri tried to ignore how hot and wet Tatsuha's breath felt. But Tatsuha remained persistent as he inched closer to softly lick at the shell of his brother's ear. "Looks really good to me." He rocked his hips where he'd trapped his own burgeoning erection between them.

"Tats, get off of me! I never agreed to this!" Anger swelling into his flushed cheeks, Eiri sat up roughly, perturbed by the sensation of his brother's arousal stabbing his ribs, and forced Tatsuha to tumble back and land on his tail bone between Eiri's knees.

"OW! Dammit, Eiri, we haven't even done anything yet and my ass already hurts! What the fuck, man?"

"I never said I would go anywhere _near_ your ass!"

"Aww, c'mon, what's the point then?" Tatsuha sat up, but didn't bother moving from between Eiri's knees, as his legs were splayed over either of Eiri's thighs and his hardened cock lay dangling between them. "Should we move slower? I think we've got the kissing thing down by now. How about this?" Hand grasping for Eiri's wrist before Eiri could shrink away, Tatsuha placed his brother's palm over his arousal and hissed with pleasure. "Mmm, fits like a glove…"

Eiri wrenched his hand away. Tatsuha's grip wasn't very strong due to his arm injury. "You're revolting."

"Eiri, please, just _try_, will ya?" Not one to be deterred, Tatsuha reached again for Eiri's hand and wrapped the novelist's fingers around his cock.

Tentatively, the blond gave him a few strokes, twisting his wrist and seeing Tatsuha's eyelids flutter closed. He glared down at the cock in his hand. It was bigger than he'd imagined (Eiri wondered when he started _imagining_ what Tatsuha looked like here) and thought that his brother was crazy if he thought he was actually going to do this. But Tatsuha was apparently eating this up; he was painfully swollen, the flaming head glistening with a slowly-trickling precum that Eiri felt pooling between his fingers. "Gross."

"W-what?"

"What do you expect me to do with this?"

"Oh, come _on_, Eiri! Put it in your fucking mouth already!"

"Dream on!"

"Then," Tatsuha's eyes flashed open with sudden mischief, and his fingers greedily reached out to struggle with Eiri's belt buckle, "will I have to start convincing you again?"

This time, Eiri showed a lot less resistance, watching with morbid curiosity as the younger crawled forward on his hands and knees, eager hand slipping past barely-unzipped pants to grab for his cock. "This is what you should've done," Tatsuha explained, and knelt his head to slide a hungry tongue down Eiri's length, lips sucking at the shaft before enveloping the head.

It took all of Eiri's strength not to gasp aloud as he was unexpectedly ravaged. Slowly, his fingers curled into the futon covers, and he tipped his head back, suppressing a shudder. The thought that the mouth on his dick was that of his brother's kept reeling through his addled brain, torturing him, disgusting him, but Eiri was keyed-up from Shuichi's absence and didn't have the energy to keep Tatsuha at bay. He screwed his eyelids shut, breath shallow as he mused to himself, _Maybe if I just close my eyes, I can pretend that it's Shuichi._

But Shuichi didn't suck cock like this. Eiri's face flushed with embarrassment as he felt himself quickly harden in Tatsuha's experienced mouth, his cock pulsing to life between those wet lips. Tatsuha continued to suck him, swallowing him inch by inch, until Eiri couldn't believe the electricity that undulated between his limbs. Slouching over the bobbing head in his lap, Eiri panted. His grip in the sheets grew more desperate. He wanted to hate this. He really did.

Tatsuha pulled away for a moment. Eiri was fascinated by a string of drool that flicked down his brother's chin. "See, Eiri," the dark-haired male declared with poorly-concealed triumph, "you can get it up for me. It's not so bad, right?"

"I really hate you right now."

Grinning, Tatsuha leaned back down, his lips ghosting over Eiri's dripping head as he said, "You hate me? Doesn't look like you hate what I'm doing."

"If you're going to be a smug bastard about it, I'm going to clock you and go home. If you want me to stay, hurry up and fucking finish what you've started."

"Yes, sir," the younger drawled, and swallowed Eiri into his mouth again, groaning around the cock he'd been fantasizing about for years, wistfully thinking about what it might feel like and thinking now that this was better than any wet dream he'd ever had. The burn on his arm became the last thing on his mind. Tatsuha's hands reached out to clutch at Eiri's clothed thighs, feeling how they trembled beneath his palms with satisfaction. He smiled around the cock, putting more force behind his next few sucks so that that Eiri could feel just as good as he did at that moment. His heart was swelling with long-forgotten feelings.

In distressingly short time, Eiri could feel fiery knots twisting his loins, preparing for his impending orgasm. His balls tightened, dancing dangerously close to his wayward zipper, as Tatsuha bobbed his head, prayer beads clinking against the wood floor. The other seemed to sense that Eiri was getting closer, because a hand clamped down around the base of his cock suddenly and stroked him with firm, confident fingers in tandem with his mouth's ministrations. Eiri tried to hold it off, didn't want it to happen really, but he felt a drop of sweat from Tatsuha's forehead burn a tantalizing trail over his hip bone, and just the sight of that much concentration and attention from his brother had Eiri tensing up. Biting his lip to unsuccessfully keep the moan from reaching Tatsuha's ears, Eiri released stream after stream of searing cum down his throat. His elbows shook as he struggled to keep himself propped up, watching Tatsuha delightedly lick him clean.

"So that's what three dry weeks does to you, hm? I can't imagine how Shuichi feels, being away from this body for so long."

At the other's mention of Shuichi, Eiri snapped back to reality, shoved his spent cock back into his pants a little harder than he meant to, and began to stand on quivering knees to dart out of there.

"Eiri, wait! You're just going to leave me hanging? You're such a dick!"

From inside the house, both brothers could hear a door slam shut, and keys jangling softly as their sister called out their names. Eiri was already out the door, leaving Tatsuha stranded naked on his hands and knees. Cursing to himself, the youngest Uesugi flung on his house clothes, mentally chanted a small, relaxing prayer to will his hard-on away, and eventually joined Eiri in the den where Mika was putting her feet up again, sifting through several shopping bags with excitement.

Looking up, Mika saw both of her brothers arrive with flushed cheeks, and glared while folding a new blouse in her lap. "Were you two fighting again?"

Neither of them spoke for a while, but Tatsuha finally beamed and slapped Eiri on the back as he said, "Just a little friendly wrestling. I swear it's not a big deal, Mika-chan. Go shopping again?"

"That's about all there is to do in this town."

"Aww, you're exaggerating. It's not so bad here! Right, Eiri?"

Tatsuha turned to see a most scathing look on his brother's face, and tittered with amusement. "See? He's enjoying himself!"

Mika sighed, holding up jewelry to view under the light. "You two are weird." She turned as if dismissing them, but whipped back around a few beats later, the new bracelet jangling in her palm. "Hey, are you guys going out today?"

"I'd love to go out with Eiri," Tatsuha responded, ignoring the sudden pinch at his ribs from the disgruntled writer. "Why, something you need?"

"While I was at the store, I forgot to pick up some things for the baby. Could you try hunting down these items?" Mika held up a small list in her hand that slowly unraveled into a larger list.

Twitching, Eiri snatched up the paper and skimmed through it while patting his pockets for a cigarette. He felt strange, knowing Tatsuha's hands had been there minutes before. He was just sliding a slim stick between his lips when Mika screeched for him to smoke elsewhere, as she was pregnant and unwilling to kill him in her condition.

"It's okay, Mika-chan," his younger brother urged while tugging Eiri's elbow to the hallway, "we're heading to the market anyway. We'll do our best. Just rest up, alright?"

"Don't come back empty-handed!"

"Yes, ma'am, you got it."

"Tats, wait, where did my beer go?"

"I think you left it in my room. Want to go back and look around, Eiri?"

"Get that grin off your face. Hell no!"

"Then you're drivin'."

* * *

Swerving a little faster than necessary into an open parking space, Eiri shut down his Mercedes and stepped from the car, Tatsuha emerging from the passenger side. They walked in tandem toward the flea market, immersing themselves into the generously-sized crowd, their only saving grace being that the weather was still pleasant that afternoon with a mild breeze that licked at their faces.

Eiri groaned, twisting his body to slide through a throng of school girls that whispered as he passed, octaves rising with their excitement. "Why are we here again?"

Tatsuha tapped his chin thoughtfully, unperturbed by the crowds – he'd put many to shame in Nittle Grasper concert pits before, and this was nothing in comparison. "I have to find some material to stitch up my kimono, and Mika-chan needs baby blankets and bullshit."

The blond glared back at an elderly woman who turned her head to stare, obviously offended by his brother's language. "Shopping isn't really my pastime of choice, Tatsuha. Let's wrap things up quickly."

"What else do you have to do at home, besides me? Don't be a bore, Eiri. Spend some time outdoors, will ya?"

"I've been spending far too much time with you these days."

"Here, here, what do you think?" Tatsuha suddenly twirled, a reel of fabric stretched between his fingers. "Does it match my eyes?" He batted his lashes excessively until Eiri's hand snatched the fabric away.

"It's a solid black kimono. Not a patchwork quilt. Besides, I've never been much of a paisley enthusiast."

"Alright, alright." The monk selected a more somber shade, fingering the material with interest. Eiri was starting to move away in his peripheral vision, so Tatsuha impulsively grabbed for his wrist, pulling him close again. "By the way, Eiri, I had fun earlier. Let's plan for that again, shall we? I think someone owes me a favor~"

Eiri wrinkled his nose at his brother's shameless grin, and the way his fingers smoothed over Eiri's wrist. Flirting at home was one thing, but out here, with all the roving eyes… Eiri's stomach lurched with apprehension, and before he knew it, he'd slapped Tatsuha's hand away and clutched the teen's chin in his fingers. "You listen to me."

Startled with the unexpected change in mood, Tatsuha paled. "W-wha? I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"Don't you _ever_ try anything stupid in public where there are people with cameras. I saw a group of girls back there who recognized me. If somebody happened to spy in on us right now, what do you imagine they'd be thinking?"

"I didn't even say anything that bad!"

"Out here, you're only my little brother. Nothing _more_."

"Okay, I get it! I'm sorry!"

"I essentially have the most public relationship in the history of Japan. Don't you _dare_ ruin my reputation."

"Eiri, I can't help what I want – "

"If we're going to do _anything_, it has to be on my terms only, understand?"

Opening his mouth to spew more apologies, Tatsuha stilled, surprised by the sudden admission from his brother. Eiri… _wasn't_ rejecting him… anymore. Had he just given the okay? Was this… was this _real_? His eyes widened to impossible proportions, breath hitched in his throat. The dark-haired male couldn't help but blissfully think, _My blowjob skills must be hella good if I've converted Eiri at last! Is that what I had to do all this time?_

Tatsuha nodded dumbly in Eiri's hand before he collected his frayed nerves enough to croak, "You're the boss."

Eiri swallowed around the lump in his throat, slightly flustered by what he'd just said. His face was coloring a bit, so he turned away, taking Mika's list with him from Tatsuha's clammy hands. "Hurry up. Get your fabric and I'll start on these."

Scrambling for his wallet with still trembling fingers, Tatsuha paid for the appropriate yardage of fabric, rolling and tucking it carefully under his arm before he caught up with Eiri in another booth. "Hey, Eiri?"

The novelist turned when his name was called, pleased that his brother had finally made a selection. "Good to go?"

"Yeah. And…" Tatsuha smiled, dropping his chin to his chest so he could futilely hide the blossoming red on his cheeks under his bangs. "…thank you, Eiri."

"Don't make me regret it, Tats."

"Oh, I won't! You'll be screaming with pleasure in no time!"

"Good _gods_, what did I just _say_!"

* * *

"Yuki! I'm sooooo sorry!"

Ripping the phone from his face at the unexpected pitch of Shuichi's apology, Eiri sat crosslegged on one end of the futon. Tatsuha sat on the other end, his kimono messily splayed over his lap, a needle and thread occupying his fingers. The blond warily watched his brother handle the needle as he answered into the phone, "Why are you sorry?"

"Yuki, I haven't been able to call you all these days! I'm so sorry!"

"Heh. Forgetting me already? I thought you would."

"No, no! I've hardly forgotten you! I think of you constantly and my heart explodes with the memory!"

"Try not to make a mess."

"I've just been really busy, but I sent you like a billion postcards to make up for it."

"Eh, wonderful…"

"How have you been? I've missed you sooooo much!"

Eiri looked up as Tatsuha suddenly cursed and sucked on a finger, obviously having pricked himself. Sighing, Eiri held out his hand and threaded the needle in a few seconds. "Have you now?" he said into the phone.

"Yes! I have so much to show you! I'm taking lots of pictures. It's very beautiful in these cities."

"Send some pictures my way."

"I-I have a better idea."

"What do you mean?" Eiri frowned, lighting a cigarette.

"Yuki, I have a surprise for you."

"What did you do now?"

"Seguchi-san doesn't know about this, so it'll be a surprise for him, too!"

"Oh… no…"

"Yuki, next week we're going to be in London. It's been about a month since I've seen you and I just can't stand it anymore! I'm dying! So I've booked you a ticket to come stay with me while we're in England for a week. Pack your bags, handsome~!"

Eiri blankly stared down at his slowly-billowing nicotine cloud, surprised by Shuichi's rash decision. "W-what? I thought you didn't have time…"

Tatsuha looked up, the kimono forgotton his lap, and he mouthed "what's going on?" at Eiri with a puzzled expression.

"Yuki," Shuichi piped up again, voice escalating with his excitement, "I don't care! I miss you! We'll have so much fun sightseeing! We never have time to go on vacation together, so I just _had_ to do this. Work and play wrapped into one! Aren't you excited to see me?"

Frowning, Eiri turned his head, ignoring Tatsuha as he drew invisible circles on the floor with his pinky. "Sure. Sounds great."

Tatsuha didn't take well to being ignored. Eiri only heard a slight rustling before his cell phone was briskly snatched from his ear. He snapped around, glaring and reaching for his brother, but the monk had twirled safely away. "Hey, Shuichi!"

Shuichi gasped on the other end of the line, yanked from his daydream. "Huh? T-Tatsuha-kun?"

"How've you been, kid? How's the touring?"

"I-It's been going really well. I'm okay, I just miss Yuki a lot."

"Yeah? I've been taking real good care of him, believe me." Tatsuha smirked, kicking Eiri's limbs away as the novelist snarled and tackled him.

Shuichi hummed with pleasure through the phone. "Oh, good! I'm happy that he's been well. I was really worried he'd be lonely, 'cause he doesn't really have that many friends, you know."

"Nope, definitely not lonely. I've been keeping him good company!"

"_Tatsuha_, give me the fucking _phone_!"

"O-oh, is that Yuki? Did you steal the phone from him?"

"Heh, don't worry, Shu-chan. It's just a little friendly wrestling – Oof! Ow, my leg! – We've been doing that a lot these past few days."

"Heh heh, you two are funny!" Shuichi's breath hitched as he suddenly exclaimed, "Did Yuki tell you my plan?"

"Eiri, get off my face! What plan, Shu?"

"I'm sending him a plane ticket so he can come meet us in London next week!"

Tatsuha froze, and Eiri – towering over him – immediately grabbed the cell phone from his hand.

"Shuichi," the blond huffed into the phone, out of breath, "let me take this outside…"

He'd dropped his cigarette in the struggle. Eiri sighed and snuffed it out in the ashtray before stumbling out the door.

Frowning, Tatsuha collected his sprawled limbs from the futon and sat up. _What_? Eiri was leaving? A knot had begun to form in his gut, numbing him slowly. He stared at the door where Eiri had disappeared, metaphorically feeling as if his brother wasn't coming back.

He sat that way, silently, until Eiri shuffled back into his bedroom ten minutes later and snapped his cell phone shut.

Eiri met Tatsuha's eyes; they both exchanged strange looks before Tatsuha finally spoke up, trying to keep his voice even despite finding himself unable to take another breath: "Are you really leaving, Eiri?"

The older tried to avoid his brother's stormy expression, waving his hand with nonchalance. "Of course I am. The plans are already set."

"But… but Eiri – !"

"Don't give me that look. I had to leave eventually. I don't live here, but I've been visiting for three weeks, Tats. Dad's sick of me by now, and you still have Mika-chan."

"You know that's not what I'm upset about."

Scrambling to his feet, the monk rushed forward and pulled Eiri into a lip-crushing kiss, the blond stumbling from the force of it and almost throwing them both off balance. Eiri allowed himself to be kissed, even a little tongued, before pressing hands to either of Tatsuha's shoulders and carefully releasing himself. "Get a hold of yourself."

"You can't leave me now! I… I just got you where I wanted you! This is the worst timing ever!"

Eiri sighed, curling his fingers around Tatsuha's shoulders in a gesture of comfort. "It's not like you'll never see me again."

"Eiri," the younger whined, arms slipping around the other's waist possessively, "don't leave me. Let me have you until Shu comes back to Japan. Please?"

Seeming to contemplate the request, lifting Tatsuha's hopes in the process, Eiri promptly dashed them. "No. I'm leaving tomorrow."

"Tomorrow? You're fucking kidding me!" Tatsuha's face fell. All he could hear was Eiri's voice and the panicked drumming of his heartbeat between his ears.

"Get over it. He is my _boyfriend_, after all."

Tatsuha felt his face sting with heat. He gulped clumsily around the lump in his throat when he questioned, "How long will you be there?"

"A week."

"And then you're going back to Tokyo?"

"Yes."

"Oh."

"Maybe you'll finally finish your schoolwork on time without my being a distraction."

"But… I _like_ you distracting me!" Flustered, Tatsuha gritted teeth, steeling his frayed nerves. He'd never felt like this before. With anyone. He couldn't believe the magnitude of emotion he was experiencing when he tentatively reached for Eiri's hand, slipping his own into the warm palm. "So… tonight's your last night?"

"My last one here."

"Will you… share it with me?"

"I believe I already am."

"…That's not what I meant."

"…Oh."

* * *

When Tatsuha awoke the next morning, Eiri was gone. He propped himself up on bruised elbows, the futon covers falling from his naked torso, and ran his hands over the wrinkled, empty side of the bed that still lingered with warmth.

He rolled face-first into it, nose buried into the pillow Eiri had laid him down on last night, chest pressed into the slightly damp sheets where he'd come. His clammy skin felt cold without covers, sticky with Eiri's essence and sweat and saliva and raw scent.

Their haphazard, messy, spontaneous joining the night before had given Tatsuha the sweetest dreams when they'd finally slept, but he finally wakened with the grim understanding that Eiri was taking that flight after all, to go join his boyfriend. The same boyfriend who _still_ had forgotten to give Tatsuha tickets to go see Ryuichi Sakuma live!

Eiri's harsh cries were still fresh in his ears, his betrayal fresh in the hollow pit of his chest.

Tatsuha inhaled deeply the smell of their sex, blinking back tears against the stiff pillowcase, and screamed.

**-TBC-**

* * *

[**Author's Note addendum]**: I'm going on a vacation for a week, and really wanted to get this up first! It almost didn't make it. I'm glad that I finally pulled it together. :) Please tell me you think, if you like where the fic is going, if there is anything I need to improve. All comments and critiques are mightily appreciated! Thanks, and have a great week, lovebirds!

Love,  
Ish


	7. Chapter 7

**[Chapter Rated]**: NC-17

**[Chapter Warnings]**: Language, graphic sexual situations, incest, angst

******[Pairings]**: Eiri x Shuichi, Tatsuha x Eiri, Tatsuha x Shuichi, eventual Tatsuha x Eiri x Shuichi? WHO KNOWS. :]

**[Disclaimer]**: The characters in this piece belong to Maki Murakami and co.

**[Author's Notes]**: The timeline is set at some arbitrary time mid-series within the manga/anime. Title inspired by the song with the same name by The All-American Rejects.

I'm so sorry this took forever to get up! It's been... an interesting summer, to say the least! I hope everyone is still enjoying the story! Things should be picking up pace from here on out. Let me know what you think. :) Comments and critiques always welcomed. Thank you for reading!

* * *

**Dirty Little Secret**

**-Chapter 7-**

Pressing his back into the leather chair to recline, Eiri sat and stared wearily out the airplane window, his hands folded over his stomach. Beside him stretched his table of dinner, the food only picked at but the bottle of champagne he'd ordered completely emptied. Across the hall were the other snoozing first-class passengers, and Eiri envied their ability to sleep, since he'd tried continually to sleep for the past two hours but found no such luck. So instead, the troubled novelist found himself gazing out the window to pass time, misty-white clouds floating by against a deceptively cheerful horizon.

He'd tried, at one point, to take notes for a future novel, waking other passengers with his vigorously tapping pen. He was for the most part unsuccessful, tossing his notebook aside and grabbing at it again repeatedly during the flight. Now it lay messily strewn over his knee, the balled-up pages of rejected plots tossed into the briefcase at his feet.

He couldn't think. He couldn't think of anything else. He… he…

What had he _done_?

Eiri's fingers found the notebook again and curled around the pages until razor-sharp edges threatened to slice cleanly into skin. His feet squirmed in his polished shoes. He looked up toward the ceiling and took a shuddering inhale. Sweat prickled against his brow. There was a twitter of dread in his gut, worsening each minute, an itch Eiri couldn't scratch or alleviate the more he shifted and perspired in his chair. Eiri shut his eyes from the sight of the airplane and at once he was back in Kyoto, hovering over Tatsuha as his brother reached up and touched his face, pulling him into a searing kiss.

Absently, he reached up and touched his cheek, forgetting for a second he was feeling his own hand there instead of Tatsuha's, and he snarled with frustration, his nails curling inward to scrape at his face.

Then the feeling was gone. He gulped awkwardly, his cheek stinging now, and Eiri frowned down at the hand that he'd ripped from his face – his own hand.

He knew these panic attacks would stop if he just forced himself to forget the night before, to focus on the trip ahead. But he was still in disbelief, and they had only finished groping hours ago really, and this flight was _so long_to go on with little distraction…

The reel of memories just wouldn't leave him alone. Sighing in defeat, Eiri picked up his pen. If they wanted his attention, he would deal with them now and move on before the plane landed. This torture had to stop!

* * *

_I did something really stupid last night. Yeah, big surprise._

_I am en route to see Shuichi in London. He's been on tour for a month, and the little brat couldn't handle the time away, so he took it upon himself to bring me to him for a small work-vacation together. He purchased a plane ticket for me last night and I picked it up at the airport. _

_Tatsuha didn't take the news very well. I can still remember how dark his eyes became when I relayed the story. He was seeing his nightmare come to life. I did feel bad for him, believe it or not._

"_If you're leaving tomorrow… will you stay here with me tonight?" he had asked._

_I found it hard to meet his earnest expression. He was so pathetically needy in that moment, I didn't have the heart to look into his eyes and be honest at the same time. "I am, stupid. What more do you want?"_

_Tatsuha's hand tightened around mine. "You know what I want, Eiri."_

"_I'm going to have to turn you down."_

"_No!" Tatsuha's arms flung around me possessively. "I won't take no for an answer! You like it, Eiri! Quit lying!"_

"_Will you stop acting like a damn child!" I tried to shove him away by his shoulders, and then by his face when that didn't work. Tatsuha's arms only slackened a little before I gave up. "Get off me, Tats."_

_Surprisingly, Tatsuha finally stumbled away, his face flushed. "Sometimes you really piss me off, Eiri. Can you make up your fucking mind? You'll let me suck your dick but you won't reciprocate? You'll kiss me, then tell me to get lost?"_

"_I'm… confused. I don't know what I want."_

"_Do you think that's fair to me? You better figure it out quick, because I can't stand you leading me on anymore!"_

"_Keep your voice down, Tats. Mika-chan is right around the blasted corner!"_

"_I don't care! I'm mad! You're so hot and cold. I feel like—"_

_I came forward and grasped his chin when I couldn't take it any longer, and he froze. "I thought you of all people would understand me, Tatsuha. But you're judging me, just like everyone else."_

_Tatsuha's eyes widened as if in disbelief, and my heart lurched in my chest with regret. His lips sputtered to life after a long silence: "I can't believe you're making this about you again. You're… you're such an asshole, Eiri. You don't care how I feel at all, do you?"_

"_Do you really want me to answer that question?" I just couldn't stop my mouth from moving._

_He then looked away, and I could see the corners of his lips tighten the way it would when I knew he wanted to punch me. If he had, I would have totally deserved it. I opened my mouth to say something else – it was a train-wreck in slow motion – but Tatsuha put me out of my misery, his head snapping back around to meet my gaze wearing a mischievous smirk. "You can't fool me, Eiri!"_

"_What?" Finally I could stop torturing us both._

"_I know what you're doing! You're trying to make me hate you before you leave. Just like you did with Shuichi."_

"_Is it working?"_

"_Nope! I know you better than that, sly dog. You can't fuck with my head!"_

"_I believe it is my head that is being fucked with…" It was true, but I was playing games with him even though I didn't want to. I couldn't help myself. I had to get my bearings and there was nothing right about this situation._

"_Whaaaat?" Tatsuha closed more distance between us, and my hand fell away to allow him the proximity. "What's still confusing? I thought we cleared things up earlier. No one has to know about anything we do, and we'll proceed only on your terms, right?"_

"_Yeah, about that—"_

"_Don't go back on your word now, Eiri! Don't break my fragile heart, you dick!"_

_I rolled my eyes while Tatsuha laughed. I missed when things were lighter between us. His feelings were complicating everything. "Well, it seems you enjoy my being a dick, considering you are still here even after everything I've said."_

"_I'm just used to you."_

"_Are you? Sure you're not a masochist?"_

"_Oh no, I'm definitely a masochist, too!"_

"_I thought you were a sadist, Tats?"_

"_It's too boring just being one or the other, don't you think?"_

_I sighed, but even I couldn't hide my smile when I returned to Tatsuha's futon to sprawl out lazily. The hours were starting to stretch deeper into the night, and I was tired. I took the time to mentally calculate how much sleep I would need before boarding my flight tomorrow._

_Tatsuha followed behind, flopping right down beside me to disrupt my train of thoughts as usual. "Perfect! Step one's complete! I've got you into bed, now what am I going to do with you?"_

_Groaning, I rolled onto my stomach to shut him out. The soft "incorrigible brat" I muttered was lost between the covers, but that was okay, because I didn't mean it._

_I then closed my eyes without really sleeping, just nuzzling my face into my folded arms to relax. The futon covers shifted around me, and then the length of Tatsuha's body pressed against my side – he'd slipped under the covers, too. I found myself waiting for… what was I waiting for? Nothing was happening, and I thought about opening my eyes to see what Tatsuha was doing because that damn brat was being so quiet and now my own heartbeat was starting to pulse through my eardrums. _

_I was so taken with curiosity, that when my brother finally did do something, I gasped aloud. I was startled. It began as just a gentle caress of my back, Tatsuha's hand smoothing over my shoulders, curling over muscle, applying different pressures. Tatsuha massaged the base of my neck, and I felt my muscles loosening, tension melting from each of my limbs. His fingers glided over every vertebrae until they met the end of my shirt hem, and soon his warm hand slipped under my shirt to do it again, skin-to-skin. At some point I realized I was holding my breath._

_The futon covers shifted again, and I was still loathe to open my eyes, so when I felt Tatsuha's weight sitting on the backs of my thighs – my brother had mounted me from behind! – I finally jerked up with surprise. Tatsuha's hips rolled forward and a hardness in his jeans settled comfortably between my ass cheeks._

_I twitched, and this time, my eyes did fly open, either of my hands pressing at the bed to pull myself up. "I'm _not_ comfortable with this position!" It was too much like that day in New York. I didn't want anything about my brother to remind me of a tutor that wasn't worth my time anymore._

"_It's not like I was doing anything yet…"_

"_Like hell you will. Off. Now!"_

"_Okay, okay, sorry."_

_Tatsuha slid off my legs with a reluctant groan. I turned my head, propped up by my arms, to meet his eyes. "My terms only, understand?" It was the only way I would be willing._

_My brother nodded, his lips twisting with annoyance. He knew he'd do anything I asked of him, but his pride didn't want him to bottom for me either. Too bad. "Then hurry up already! I'm hard!"_

"_You're a damn nuisance!"_

* * *

Someone seated behind him in first-class had fired up a laptop, the gentle whirring of fans and clacking of keys breaking Eiri from his trance. The novelist finally relaxed his death-grip of the pen, white knuckles easing after furiously writing for some time.

A flight attendant meekly stepped to his side now that he'd lifted his head and asked if he wanted something to drink. Eiri ordered a whiskey. As she shuffled away, he set the notebook aside. But almost as soon as he did that, a twisting coil of anxiety returned to the pit of his stomach, and he realized he had to finish narrating his story to the book in order to let the haunting images go.

When he returned to his home in Tokyo, Eiri made a mental note to call his therapist first thing.

* * *

_Tatsuha sat up so he could stare down at me with obvious frustration. "You're still not comfortable sucking my dick?"_

"_Uh, NO."_

"_Eiri, what am I going to do with you?" Tatsuha's hand, without warning, slipped beneath the waistband of my trousers as if he'd been doing this all his life, and palmed my burgeoning arousal through my boxers in a gentle way I would have never expected from him. "Oh, Eiri…"_

_I squeezed my eyes shut. He'd taken me by surprise, but I wasn't going to stop him. Tatsuha's hand felt like lightning, like white-hot pleasure, and my cock was rising to meet each stroke. It was rather pathetic how much I responded to his touches after all this time I spent telling him what a bad idea this was. Instead, all I could do at that time was roll my hips and seek friction in the warm hand encircling me._

_Tatsuha is naturally impatient, so before long, he'd lowered his head and had taken my cock in his mouth entirely, bobbing his head at a ridiculous pace. My hand found his head to encourage it. It was just what I needed. His mouth was pure sin. I didn't even care what was happening at that point. Except for when I felt a swelling pressure building in my loins and I knew I didn't want it to end now._

"_T-Tats…"_

"_Hmm?" he hummed around my cock. That made it worse, and I got angry at how quickly I was losing control._

_My fingers dug into his scalp and I eventually pulled him up by his hair. I was lucky he'd had the sense to watch his teeth, even though I was clearly hurting him. "Stop!"_

"_OW, Eiri! O-OW! But… why?"_

"_I was about to come."_

"_Dude, I know! So why am I stopping?"_

"_I don't want to come yet." _

_Tatsuha's face then morphed into the most comical, hopeful expression I'd ever seen. His mouth opened and closed repeatedly like he didn't know what to do with himself. I couldn't believe I'd said it either, and I would have mimicked him had I not been gnawing my lip with my teeth._

_Inching forward, he asked almost as if he were afraid to even voice it, "Does this mean… that you want…?"_

"_Shut up." I didn't want to admit to what I was admitting to, so instead I pushed him down on the futon quite roughly, straddling him with his arms pinned helplessly at his sides. I kissed him, and he was more than willing to return it. That went on for some time. I couldn't stop. But eventually I managed to pull away long enough to ask him, "Where do you keep it?"_

_Tatsuha looked confused for a moment but he finally nodded his understanding and pointed to his night-table. It hurt to move with the pinnacle of all my frustrations hanging between my thighs like it did, but I made it to the drawer and found the bottle of lube; it was more than half done, not very surprisingly. By the time I'd made it back, Tatsuha was mostly undressed. I helped yank off his boxers and shoved him back to the floor beneath me where he was easier to control._

_Without my having to ask, Tatsuha pulled his knees to his chest. One of his hands came around and started playing with his entrance, a new place on my brother I was soon to meet, his fingers shallowly thrusting. I swatted him away so I could do it better, my fingers slathered with the lube now. One after the other, I buried my fingers in him, and he easily and quickly stretched around me – he was no virgin like Shuichi had been when I met him – so I spent little time preparing him. There were a few moments of torture I entertained that had him writhing on the floor, but that was simply payback._

_I couldn't wait any longer to get it over with, so a couple wet, sloppy strokes of the lube over my cock, and I was ready, knocking the tube aside in my haste as it rolled safely away on the floor. I shoved my brother's knees higher, and he gasped; a ball of nerves, though he'd never admit to it. I finally pressed in my dripping head, then the rest glided in with a snap of my hips._

_I think Tatsuha cried out, or maybe that was me, but we didn't make much noise after that because it was creeping past three in the morning and our family was asleep nearby. Nevertheless, I was not at all gentle; frustrated with all the teasing before then, I think. My hips were rocking at a furious pace, and Tatsuha was jerking, his legs and arms coiling around me for leverage. He was pushed across the floor from the force of it, the bedsheets twisting under his perspiring back and under my hands as I fisted them. But nothing would stop me at this point._

_Eventually, there were no words spoken at all, just harsh panting from my brother's lips – okay, mine too – and the addictive metronome of skin slapping upon skin. At one point his legs fell slack at my sides, and I took the opportunity to abruptly flip him over onto his stomach. I may have taken the breath out of him if his pained grunt was any indication, but I was impatiently stoic, already snagging his hips in my hands to angle them the way I wanted, and I was in him again, thrusting his face into the floor._

_I literally saw a tremor cascade down my brother's spine when I changed positions. This must have been his preferred, might have been easier for me to hit his spot. My suspicions were confirmed when he began counter-thrusting back upon me, almost as quickly as I was nailing him, and after a small thrashing of arms that tore his bedsheet clean off the futon mattress, Tatsuha came violently beneath me. _

_His whole body tensed like a coiled spring, and it finally blew the top off my self-control. I came then, too, and it was startlingly powerful, and all the tension that had been building in me ever since he and I got ourselves into this mess left me on my next exhale. I hadn't felt so relaxed in ages._

_We both passed out soon after. I think the tension had been getting to him, too, because I haven't seen Tatsuha's face look that peaceful since his last Ryuichi Sakuma concert._

_Well, there you have it. And how did you spend _your_ evening?_

* * *

Blinking with surprise, Eiri saw that not only had he drained his whisky, but he'd somehow ordered another without realizing. His joints and knuckles popped in agony when he finished writing, and finally the pen fell from his damp hand to clatter softly into his opened briefcase. It was done.

The novelist smoothly closed the notebook and set it aside, bringing the whisky to his lips. He'd have to burn the notebook later, he knew. If the paparazzi got a hold it, they'd ruin his life for sure. No one needed to read this.

But for now, Eiri felt relaxed, his knotted muscles melting into the plush upholstery. He'd shared his story, even if just to a mere book, and now Eiri didn't feel overwrought carrying around this deep-dark secret. For the time being, he could pretend there was another that understood.

A soft ping echoed in his ear, and Eiri watched over the rim of his glass as the small sign instructing passengers to fasten their seat-belts lit up. He did so with ease, even smiled at the flight attendant who gave him a shy but appreciative glance, as the pilot explained overhead that they were proceeding to land in London.

* * *

The echo of footsteps behind him stilled the mindless whisking of Tatsuha's broom. The youngest Uesugi lifted his head, blinking red-rimmed eyes of matted lashes up at his sister who started up the temple steps.

"Tats," Mika greeted with a smirk, cradling a cardboard package over her baby bump.

Tatsuha's knuckles tightened on the broomstick, hearing Eiri's preferred nickname, but he carefully schooled his lips into a matching smirk while thrusting his chin toward the package. "For me?"

"Yeah. I just signed for it at the front door."

Sluggishly, he set the broom aside and reached for it, but in a flash, he completely brightened while reading the tag. "Fuck yeah! AutoWorld! It's about time!"

"Stop cursing in the temple!" their father's voice screeched from the adjacent corridor.

Mika combed fingers through her hair, narrowing her eyes. "AutoWorld?"

"It's for my motorcycle. I've been waiting on this replacement piece for a couple weeks! Now I can be fast and furious again!"

"Don't overdose on the testosterone, Tats."

Tatsuha grated his teeth again – that stupid nickname was now forever tainted! - and nodded his head, shuffling some items aside to place the package on the altar for later. "Heh. I'll be fine. Thanks, Mika-chan."

"Sure thing." She stepped closer to her brother, painted lips pursed, and thoughtfully cocked her head. There was something different about Tatsuha this morning. He was never excited to clean – hell, neither was she – but his voice seemed especially hollowed today. Upon closer inspection, Mika realized she hadn't seen circles this dark under his eyes in all her life – not even after an all-nighter or a particularly wild concert – and his eyelids did seem a little puffier than usual. Her pleasant smile dissolved at once. Outside of Tatsuha's fanboying crusades, there was only one other time in history she'd actually known Tatsuha to cry.

Tatsuha finally noticed Mika's intent inspection, and soon grew wary, wondering how much of himself was truly perceivable. He'd had a rough morning, to say the least. Thrashing in bed for some time, bawling out his eyes, he'd managed to find the dignity to shower and dress for his temple duties. He'd been thankful to find himself grieving alone, his father already up praying by that hour and Mika enjoying a long shower in her own bathroom, but he figured they'd find him at some point.

Feeling the heat rise to his cheeks, he blurted "what are you staring at?" before instantly regretting it.

But instead of tormenting him as Tatsuha was certain she'd do, his sister's face softened into uncharacteristic sympathy. She crossed her arms over her pregnant belly and asked, voice soft, "You and Eiri spent a lot of time together these few weeks, haven't you?"

It was with great effort that Tatsuha stilled his frantically-thudding heart to respond even semi-casually, "Uh, yeah. We hung out a lot, I guess."

"It's so sad he's too stubborn to visit more often. I can see how much it means to you to spend time with your brother."

"S-since when do you care how I feel?"

Mika's sweet expression became wicked in seconds. "Asshole! I've always cared how you felt!"

"Why can you curse in the temple and Dad says nothing to you!"

"That's besides the point!"

"Ow, ow, your voice gets really _high_—! Okay, I'm sorry!"

"The point _is_—" she briefly cleared her throat, "that you really thrive when you get to see Eiri. Even if he's a bad influence on you."

"How is he a bad influence on me?"

Mika stuck a finger beneath the tie of Tatsuha's obi, despite his flailing protests, and a cigarette rolled out from between the folds of his priest garb.

Tatsuha grabbed for the cigarette before it could hit the floor. "H-hey! That's a violation of my privacy!"

"What? Don't even get me started on how I wiped your shit-smeared ass as a baby!"

"You smoke, too, though. How come _you're_ not a bad influence on me?"

Mika sighed as if the explanation were obvious. "You don't look up to me half as much as you look up to Eiri. It's a guy thing, I guess, but smoking's not all I'm talking about!"

"Then please enlighten me!"

"You're a slut, Tatsuha."

The bluntness with which she said it was a little startling, but Tatsuha fought back, knowing in his own heart that all he'd ever done was solely to get closer to one person, "And? I'm sixteen!"

"I know! It's just..." Groaning, Mika slapped a hand to her own face. "You're not helping yourself out, you know?"

Tatsuha nervously tugged at the collar of his robe, praying that she'd leave him alone. What exactly was she getting at? A lecture was the last thing he needed when his thoughts were so dark already! "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"By some grace of God, Eiri – at least I'm led to believe – has settled down with someone and for once is pursuing a big-boy relationship! We should be happy for him!"

"And what makes you think that I'm not?"

"Because you think everyone is trying to take him away from you."

Tatsuha's lip gave a threatening quiver. And the dagger was revealed! It was too true! He found it challenging to hear from another's mouth, reflected back on him to directly confront, with no broom to wring in his hands. All jokes failed him when he struggled to save face. Tatsuha finally tore his gaze from his sister's scrutiny, casting deadened eyes upon the sun-kissed yard. He wanted to retaliate, to assure her – himself! – that he was just fine, but his throat swelled shut with emotion.

Sensing his hesitation, Mika continued matter-of-factly, "When Eiri went to New York, you were so devastated, Tats. I'll never forget how hard it hit you. And every girlfriend he meets – you just get out of control! It's not like you to have temper tantrums. You're very possessive of his time. You can't handle it when someone takes his attentions away."

Tatsuha did react this time, throwing his balled fists to his thighs as he all but shouted, "SO WHAT? He's my brother!"

"And now that he's gone to play with his boy toy in London, you're all up in arms!"

"SHUT UP!"

Face twisting with anger, Mika grabbed the front of his robe and thrust her nose inches from his face to say, "Don't yell at me!"

"You're harassing me! Dammit, I-I have so much to do in the temple. Get out of my face!"

"I was _trying_ to give you some advice! In my experience—"

"I don't have anyone else, Mika-chan."

Mika's eyebrows disappeared under her bangs, surprised by her brother's blunt confession. "That's exactly what I'm trying to tell you, Tatsuha. Instead of worrying who Eiri's talking to, you should start looking for your own damned girlfriend. Or boyfriend, as I've come to reluctantly accept these years." She sighed. "Grow up, Tatsuha. He's not going anywhere. He'll always be your brother. But I promise, you'll feel less alone if you find someone for yourself."

Between Tatsuha's ears was his own voice screaming – _YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND! I DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE! _– but there was little point in explaining. Mika wouldn't understand this type of obsession. No one would. He wasn't even certain Eiri did.

"You're right, Mika-chan," Tatsuha conceded. "I'll keep myself distracted."

"Good. And leave Eiri's exes alone! That's just nasty!"

"But we have the same tastes."

"Tats, I'm pregnant! Don't nauseate me!"

"Sorry, sorry."

"If you actually dated someone longer than a month, idiot, you'll see that deep, emotional connections can be quite fulfilling! I wish our family wasn't so estranged... If we're to stay sane, we have to rely on others as well, Tatsuha. Don't cling to Eiri's side forever."

"I won't. Can we drop this now?"

"Eiri's not running away from you. It's nothing personal, Tats."

"At times I think differently, but whatever."

"Tatsuha..."

"Whatever!"

"...Just some food for thought." Coming forward, Mika brushed her hand tenderly over her brother's hair, giving him a soothing scratch behind the nape. "At least you have your bike to keep you busy now. Chin up, Tats." With a last pat of his head, Mika offered a comforting smile and strolled quietly away, deeper into the temple to locate their father.

But Tatsuha had found little comfort in the conversation. Stomach roiling, brow sticky with sweat, he snatched the package from the altar and stormed away from the temple and his duties. He needed that distraction _right now_! So he pushed in the front door of his house to change clothes at once.

The rice-paper door to his bedroom was flung aside, the wooden frame splintering and splitting at all edges. Tatsuha tore the newly-mended priest garb from his shoulders, threads popping from seams.

And with a few shaky steps, he collapsed upon the heap of cloth, crying into the unravelling sleeve as his own heart came undone.

* * *

Suitcase rolling behind him, briefcase under arm, Eiri walked comfortably through the airport terminal, the buzz of many voices a welcomed diversion from the hours of excruciating silence from which he'd emerged. Behind his sunglasses, he vaguely scanned the area for his lover's familiar face, but he knew there was little point. Shuichi would certainly find him first. In a sea of a thousand people, all he had to do was listen for that one piercing –

"YUKI!"

He stopped, and turned his head just in time to see a blur of pink hair darting in his direction, putting most sprinters to shame. Eiri's lips curled into a smile beneath his glasses. He set down his briefcase for good measure.

Shuichi finally broke from the crowd and leaped into his arms, encircling arms and legs, tears leaking from the corners of his eyes in his excitement. "Yuki, you're really here!"

Eiri lifted his arms to quietly pry Shuichi off. Shuichi was embarrassing in his reunions – the public ones, in particular – but the novelist couldn't deny how much warmth and relief flooded his heart at getting to be there beside him again. Because of it, he spared Shuichi the usual criticisms. "Of course I'm here. Weren't you the one who invited me?"

With reluctance, Shuichi returned his feet to the floor. "I know! But... I guess I didn't think you'd really show up!"

"Heh. You think I'd stand you up?"

"It wouldn't be the first time."

"Idiot." Feeling a rare moment of affection, Eiri bent his head and kissed Shuichi's forehead, his breath ruffling hair that was still sticky with glitter from concerts past. "Let's get out of here."

Shuichi's eyes lit up like stars, and he snatched up all of Eiri's luggage with preternatural strength, ushering them both out to his waiting limo. This was an even better reunion than he'd imagined! Eiri actually kissed him publicly! His lover surely missed him, even though Shuichi hadn't dared to believe it! "Come on, handsome! You need your rest! We have a concert tonight and lots of sightseeing tomorrow!"

"Oh... great..."

"Yuki, why are you walking funny?"

"I had about four whiskies for dinner."

"O-oh, you're drunk? Already?"

"It's the only way to fly overseas."

Shuichi grinned over his shoulder, the armful of luggage giving a threatening sway. He was so happy! Eiri was here to spend time with him, truly! His heart was bursting! Eiri was even smiling back!

Yet, somehow or other, Shuichi couldn't shake this urgent suspicion that something was terribly wrong with it all.

**-TBC-**


	8. Chapter 8

**[Chapter Rated]**: NC-17

**[Chapter Warnings]**: Language, sexual situations (not very graphic this time – sorry!), incest, angst

**[Pairings]**: Eiri x Shuichi, Tatsuha x Eiri, Tatsuha x Shuichi, eventual Tatsuha x Eiri x Shuichi? WHO KNOWS. :]

**[Disclaimer]**: The characters in this piece belong to Maki Murakami and co.

**[Author's Notes]**: The timeline is set at some arbitrary time mid-series within the manga/anime. Title inspired by the song with the same name by The All-American Rejects. Thank you to my girlfriend, Sonya Omun, for her beta work! *a thousand kisses*

I would like to apologize to my readers for my unfathomably late update. It's been a whirlwind, these past two years, but you should know this story is not dead at all! Once I turn in my application for graduate school in a few weeks, I should have more time freed up for writing.

I hope you're continuing to enjoy the story! Constructive critiques are welcome. This fic is very special to me and is something I continue to write, if only for myself, but if you are still reading and are having a good time, then I'd love to hear about it!

* * *

**Dirty Little Secret**

**-Chapter 8-**

Dark eyes stared lifelessly at the back-lit cell phone screen, the time ticking new numbers by while his call log remained emptied. The image currently set on his phone was that of a busty, young girl, one he'd found appealing from an online bikini catalogue. Tatsuha barely noticed her now. He barely noticed his teacher's voice at the front of the classroom issuing instructions for homework. He barely noticed when the cute girl in class returned the calculator she'd borrowed to the corner of his desk with a flirty smile and thanks.

When the screen of his cell phone idly dimmed, though, Tatsuha exploded back to life with renewed alertness, thumbs furiously shoving buttons. Nothing had changed in those few seconds. No new calls.

Class was dismissed and Tatsuha loudly groaned, slamming his fist onto the desk top until his cell phone jumped and slid onto his lap. He haphazardly gathered his belongings, including the unnervingly quiet cell phone, and trudged from the building to locate his bike.

Eiri left for London three days prior, and he hadn't even had the decency to call Tatsuha and say he'd landed safely. Nothing! Not one _fucking _word!

Yesterday, he'd fallen into an ardent, nauseating anxiety. Tatsuha had woken up from his dreams in sweat-drenched, crying stupors, had dry-heaved all afternoon, had scarcely enjoyed a bite to eat. Earlier that day, Mika returned home to Tokyo to attend to some errands, and after feigning illness to his father, Tatsuha was able to spend the day home from school to grieve alone. Today, he hadn't been so lucky, and had steeled himself to face the monotony of a day that lacked meaning and life.

Still, going to school today had admittedly helped. Tatsuha had needed the distraction of familiar things, though it all seemed different somehow. Conversations around him seemed more juvenile than before. People seemed lackluster. Talks of upcoming parties failed to interest him. Lunch break was dull. The sight of couples walking hand-in-hand through the cafeteria felt like acid to his eyes. Nothing _mattered_ anymore. Nothing was important without Eiri – without the man he loved!

No one had _ever_ made him feel this way before. Not even deserting the sweetest ass around school could make him feel this painfully bereft.

Eiri was different in every way. Eiri was the first person he'd slept with that had caused Tatsuha's feelings to intensify. If he'd had any chance of growing out of his obsession before, his chances had now demolished. These feelings were unmistakable...

He was painfully in love, and painfully heartbroken. And that's why he'd kept checking his phone throughout the day in the hopes that Eiri would call him, to extend an olive branch, or at least assure Tatsuha that he hadn't regretted everything they'd done.

Nevertheless, a part of him was afraid to know. Devastating as it was not to hear from him, receiving no new calls from Eiri also kept Tatsuha from hearing what he didn't _want_ to hear.

"I can't even text the international asshole!" Tatsuha growled as he roughly withdrew his bike lock, hurling it into his backpack. "This limbo is fucking killing me! I'm worried sick to my stomach. This isn't fair! He and Shuichi have their fancy phone plans, but they're always together! And Dad can't get me something with enough juice to call him from here."

But then, the solution seemed so obvious, Tatsuha reeled from his own stupidity. Dead eyes lit up for the first time all day, and Tatsuha determinedly leaped onto the saddle of his bike.

If Eiri wanted to play games, they were going to play games, all right.

* * *

Tatsuha unfolded his leather, brand-name wallet, withdrew a credit card, and slid it across the counter without hesitation.

Looking up from the computer screen, fingers still mechanically typing, the young sales clerk nodded. "So that'll be a _VISA_..." he announced to himself, typing a bit longer before taking the card. "May I see your driver's license for identification, sir?"

"Absolutely." The youngest Uesugi smiled, a crooked, flirty smile that he used when he needed to get his way. Glancing at the sales clerk from the corner of his eye, he watched the other return his smile. _Smooth like butter, you are,_ Tatsuha complimented himself while fumbling for the counterfeit card.

Extending his wrist, Tatsuha watched the sales clerk lean forward to inspect the card with a sheepish grin. "That's a great picture, Uesugi-san."

"You think so? Aw, it's nothing special."

"No," the clerk assured, typing slowed by furtive glances in Tatsuha's direction. "It's a really... handsome photo. I haven't seen a license like that in some time, Uesugi-san."

"Sure you have," Tatsuha said, leaning over the counter to stroke a finger over the clerk's increasingly reddening cheek. "Just take a look at your own, cutie. And no need to be so formal."

The clerk's smile couldn't get any wider as he stared down at the keyboard, clearly forgetting what he'd been doing. "Th-thank you... Eiri. You looked so good as a blond. Are you permanently brunet now?"

"Let's say that I like to experiment." The innuendo couldn't be more obvious, and the flustered clerk seemed to enjoy it, if the glasses sliding down his perspiring face was any indication.

"I-I see."

"So am I all clear?" Tatsuha queried confidently, already knowing the answer.

The clerk's fingers reawakened in a burst of energy, clinking keys. "Ah... yes! I've tacked on unlimited international calls and texts to your current phone plan, and the credit card was approved. You should be able to use the service right away, Eiri."

"That's wonderful. You've really made my day... Ichiro." Tatsuha's eyes lidded as he read the name on the clerk's tag.

Ichiro collected Tatsuha's paperwork and credit card, shuffling them back over the counter with fidgeting hands. "It was my pleasure. I hope you'll enjoy our service, and come back again sometime..."

Shouldering his backpack, Tatsuha smiled over his shoulder. "And I'll be sure to ask for _Ichiro_. You have a nice evening."

As soon as he was outside, being pushed along in pedestrian traffic, Tatsuha's phone was in hand and he was texting Eiri's cell:_[__Good morning, lover! What's new?]_

* * *

Sheets that felt like silk grazed his bare stomach, the muscle quivering there. The body beneath twitched into wakefulness. Eyes lined with thick, dark lashes squeezed before hazarding a peek at the morning, and Shuichi blinked several times before he finally remembered where he'd slept the night before.

Bad Luck shared a generously-sized hotel room, but upon Eiri's arrival, Shuichi had reserved a private room just for them down the hall. It wasn't long after picking up his blond lover at the airport that they'd put the room to good use.

Blushing and grinning up at the ceiling, his throat erupting into happy chirps for yawns, he stretched for a long time in bed. This was what happiness felt like for sure! Shuichi flipped around with the full expectation of seeing Eiri there – finally beside him! – but instead he found the other quietly smoking in front of the floor-to-ceiling balcony window. There was something odd about the look in Eiri's eyes from what Shuichi could see in the glass' honest reflection.

Pouting, Shuichi pulled himself to his elbows, and in a voice cracked by sleep, questioned: "Yuki?"

Eiri turned his head quickly, his face cleared of weird expressions. "Shuichi... Good morning. Finally."

"I slept in late? Or you woke up early?"

"I woke up late in Tokyo, but I suppose far too early for London. How do you adjust to new time zones so quickly?"

"I don't. I just drink a lot of energy drinks when I need to be up, and allergy medication when I need to sleep!"

"Christ, how are you not dead yet?"

"Yuuuuki, because I have you~! Come to me, gorgeous!" Shuichi's arms lifted and hands opening and closing beckoned Eiri nearer.

Eiri was ever the ball-buster. "You have morning breath."

"WHAT? Come oooon!" The tone of his young lover's voice suddenly changed, and Shuichi's dark eyes lidded as they rose over the novelist's form, causing Eiri's skin to give an intrigued shiver. "My bed is cold, Eiri... Don't you want to come warm it up~?"

"Tempting, but no. I'm calling room service for breakfast."

Shuichi pulled himself up to a seated position, the bed sheet sliding off of his torso before catching the protruding hardness on his lap. "Are you sure about that?"

Eiri's throat tightened, his eyes going over the pale skin of Shuichi's chest, marred now with small bruises and shallow cuts made by frantic nails. Last night had been... incredible, a shining moment in their track record. But a sinking feeling in Eiri's chest had dampened the memory, and again he felt it emerge as his feet automatically moved toward the bed, Shuichi's eyes sparkling in clear excitement.

He'd certainly had his fair share of affairs over the years, earning the scorn of many exes – and rightfully so – but this one had actually hurt him. Everything felt different with Shuichi now. He'd been with his _brother_! What would Shuichi think of him?

When Eiri's knees hit the edge of the bed, he could already taste bile on the back of his tongue. "Are you sure?"

"What kind of question is that? Of course I'm sure! Ravish me, handsome!"

"You promise not to pass out on me again like last night? I want to actually finish inside you this time."

"Wha? You didn't finish in me last night? Where did you finish, then?"

"What happens in London stays in London."

"Yukiiiiii!"

Shuichi's piercing wail was enough. One knee sliding onto the edge of the bed, Eiri immediately leaned in and silenced the musician's lips with a searing kiss, firmly pressing their mouths so he could more easily take control, dominating the kiss with teeth and tongue. Shuichi's smashed lips parted and Eiri flicked his tongue across rows of quivering teeth, muffling the other's heated panting. And yes, he did have morning breath. Damn Shuichi.

Eiri pulled away and Shuichi's hungry lips fell apart with a wet smack, reddened and plumped from his lover's kisses and bites. He made room on the bed, sliding over, but Eiri's firm grip kept him from wandering far. The novelist mounted him instead, trapping the other's legs under the sheets by sitting back on Shuichi's thighs. Eiri caught Shuichi's attention with his darkened eyes, and demonstratively began to undo his robe, letting plush cloth fall away from his marble chest. Shuichi's Adam's apple bobbed around the small sound of awe his throat emitted.

"Yuki…" Shuichi managed, swallowing over and over to compensate for how much his mouth had dried. "Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?"

Before Eiri could answer, a prolonged buzzing pierced the early morning silence of the room. It was clearly a cell phone, and from the tone, Eiri knew it had been his. But that didn't make sense, because he was on vacation, and no one but his family knew that he'd left.

That was the part that worried him.

Shuichi looked to be about to say something, so Eiri lunged in and stole another kiss, letting his hands slide down Shuichi's naked sides and even under the sheet, cupping the other's chilly ass with his warm hands. Shuichi shivered violently beneath him, moaning into his ear – phone forgotten – and that pleased Eiri.

"Yuki… I love you, Yuki…" The musician's legs squirmed between Eiri's thighs, urging his older lover to continue.

Not even five minutes passed before Eiri's phone buzzed again. Now he was annoyed. He looked up from where he'd been biting Shuichi's neck, eyebrows creased under his bangs, and saw the light from his cell phone glowing through his pants pocket. Eiri unraveled Shuichi's arms from around him with a soft apology, and leaned over, snatching the wrinkled trousers from where he'd thrown them the night before. He made quick work of pulling his pocket inside out, the phone falling into his hand, and he started to shut it off. But he found himself waylaid by curiosity, and Eiri guiltily reviewed his most recent text, because he was just a glutton for punishment that way.

_[Stop fucking & answer ur phone! I demand ur attention, asshole. Why haven't u called me yet? R u even still fucking alive, or did ur plane go down in the Himalayas? Just TELL me, pls?__]_

"Yuki, who is it? Who knows that you're here?"

Eiri almost dropped the phone in his haste to hide the message. "Uh, uh, it's… it's Tatsuha. I never called him to tell him I made it, and he was worried, is all." He hadn't needed to hide the message after all, and Eiri eased his white-knuckled grip on the phone, urging himself to relax.

Shuichi's face softened and he offered Eiri a watery smile. "That's so sweet! Yuki, don't be mean to your brother. Call him now!"

"Shu… We're having sex! He can fucking wait."

"No! Call him now!" Shuichi pulled the sheet out from under Eiri to hide his own lap, denying access. "Do it now. It won't take long! I can wait."

"But…" Eiri knew it was pointless to argue with Shuichi, and slid off of his boyfriend to make the call. He began to lean forward, toes touching the ground, to take the call to another room, but worry struck him into thinking Shuichi would find it weird – he'd never taken phone calls with his family privately before – so he settled back into bed to make the dreaded call there instead.

The call connected before the second ring. "Eiri!"

"Tatsuha, isn't this costing you a fortune? Why are you messaging me?"

"No, it's costing _you_ a fortune."

"_What_? You're running up my bills in revenge?"

"No, no, nothing like that! I just bought myself an international plan so I could talk to you. On your charge, of course."

"So that's where my _VISA_ went… You home-wrecking _parasite_!"

"Wha? Why? It's only _fair_, since you left me without a word!"

"Tatsuha, what are you…" Eiri saw movement from the corner of his eyes, and looked to see Shuichi casually stroking himself through the fabric of the sheet, eyes fixated upon him. When Eiri's eyes met him, they narrowed in clear annoyance that Shuichi was trying to distract him, but he honestly didn't mind when Shuichi didn't stop.

"Speaking of home-wrecking," his brother's voice began, cracking as if he'd been crying prior to the call. "I'm fucking miserable, Eiri. I don't know what to do. I miss you so goddamned much and it's killing me, frankly."

Eiri didn't respond, and that seemed to frustrate Tatsuha, who audibly groaned on the other line. "Eiri, please? Say something? I know we had this arrangement, I know that we agreed that we would keep everything a secret—"

"Tats," Eiri interrupted, distracted somewhat watching Shuichi reveal his cock from beneath the blankets and palm himself, stretching out his legs, cold toes pressing into the small of Eiri's back and setting his skin ablaze with goosebumps. "Tats, Shuichi and I are getting breakfast now. Shuichi looks hungry so I can't wait. I'll call you later."

"But Eiri!"

"I've kept up my end of the deal. I called you to let you know that I am okay. Now you must keep up yours. Don't disappoint me."

* * *

"Assho—!" Tatsuha's line went dead before he'd finished. In confusion and disbelieving pain, he kept the phone pressed to his ear for minutes longer before letting it clatter onto the marble step of his family's temple where he'd ended up after the cell phone store. His dark eyes stared ahead at the horizon, unfocused and glassy with unshed tears.

He knew he'd taken a great risk, bringing up the subject when Eiri had clearly been in Shuichi's presence, but the soul-crushing feelings he'd had in recent days refused to be ignored. Tatsuha wanted reassurance that when Eiri came back in a few days, he'd still love Tatsuha and wouldn't ignore him. He needed to know that the man he'd become obsessed with since his youth would want to have him again, and that he wasn't so easily discarded. Tatsuha needed to know that more than he needed to breathe.

With reluctance, the teen got to his feet, rubbing his wet nose on his shirt sleeve, and disappeared into the house until Eiri supposedly "called him back."

* * *

The call flustered Eiri. He could tell he'd been affected when he tried to return the phone to his pants pocket but fumbled several times, opting to let it sag into the pile of cloth instead. Tatsuha's voice had sounded so confused and disheartened, and he almost wished he'd let his brother continue. Was Tatsuha having second thoughts? Had he wanted to tell someone that he loved Eiri? In his upset state, would he do something stupid and jeopardize their arrangement?

"Yuki~!" Shuichi's moaning voice so close to his ear derailed his thoughts, and Eiri snapped his head up, returning his attention to the wriggling boy in his bed.

"Shuichi…"

"Is it time now?" The musician rocked his hips up into his hand, his long fingers sheathing his erection again and again in slow, loose-fingered strokes. "I can't wait much longer…"

Eiri's smirk returned, and he crawled on hands and knees toward Shuichi, slapping the boy's hands away. He'd have to deal with Tatsuha later. Shuichi was his priority. And he was on vacation, dammit. "You never could be patient, little brat."

"Yuki, hurry!"

"Hurry to do what?" Eiri casually let the robe fall the rest of the way from his body, goosebumps on his shoulders and arms betraying his desires.

"To… to t-take me." Shuichi pulled his knees up to his chest and his entrance became visible, his own hands sliding between his thighs to gently knead his balls. Even with the blatant display and clear desire to have sex, Shuichi's face was still beet-red as if he'd been asking Eiri to take him for the first time.

Shuichi was so different from Tatsuha. It was hard to ignore his boyfriend's meekness in bed. Hypothetically, Tatsuha would have sucked Eiri off by now, or would have just sat down upon Eiri's dick, taking him rather than waiting to be taken, shamelessly bold in bed concerning his needs.

Eiri was disturbed that he'd taken a moment to compare them.

Frowning, the novelist found the lube that still remained entangled in their sheets from the night before. "Take you, you say? Take you out for breakfast?"

"Yuki, stop!" Shuichi laughed, but he was growing impatient from the teasing.

Eiri hushed him up quickly when one lubed finger disappeared inside of him, and Shuichi gave a startled yelp, arching his chest off the bed.

The singer was quiet, adjusting around Eiri's digit, unsure what to do with his arms outside of curling them further into wrinkled bedsheets that smelled heavily of prior sex. Finally he released the breath he'd been holding, his voice extending into one long, shuddering whine, and Eiri took that as permission to move, sliding his finger out and in slowly, taking cues from Shuichi's writhing body. Their absence had make certain parts of Shuichi grow fonder, because it felt like no time to Eiri before his younger lover began pleading for him to start, to forgo the rest of their foreplay, and the novelist blindly grabbed for the lube again in order to prepare himself.

But Eiri ran into an unexpected problem when he pushed the rest of his robe and sheets away, when he sat back on his bent knees and hiked Shuichi's ankles onto his shoulders. Blond hair covered his troubled eyes as his hand slick with lube tried to entice his soft cock into hardening again. Several strokes later, and his wilted erection had stirred only minimally. Eiri sat there staring with dumbstruck and horrified eyes.

When nothing happened for an unfathomably long time, Shuichi restlessly curled his toes into Eiri's hair. "Yukiiii~ Hurry~"

"Um… um…"

"What's wrong, Yuki?"

_WHY WAS THIS HAPPENING_? Eiri looked wild-eyed around the room for a moment, worrying Shuichi, as he thought of what to do. The two hadn't encountered anything like this in the past few nights they'd amorously met in bed. Why was this happening to him _now_?

Sensing that Eiri was distressed somehow, Shuichi's legs sagged from his lover's shoulders, flopping onto either side of Eiri's waist. He pushed himself up with furrowed brow and saw the other's flaccid arousal, dripping with lube and unnaturally red as if Eiri had been rubbing it too hard. "Yuki? Oh, um, oh, Yuki, it's… it's okay…"

"I don't know what's wrong."

"Yuki, really, it's okay," Shuichi assured him, cupping Eiri's cheek. "Please don't be embarrassed."

"I'm fucking humiliated, Shuichi. Are you kidding me?"

"Don't be! Really! You know, I think I've been working you too hard in the past few days. Yeah, I think that's it. So maybe we just need a break to build up desire again."

Eiri could only assume this was from Tatsuha's call, that he couldn't get it up because Tatsuha had stressed him and broke his concentration by harassing him in the middle of the time he and Shuichi had been spending together. Eiri wanted to murder his brother. Never in his life had Eiri Yuki, playboy extraordinaire, been unable to…

With a growl, Eiri tore himself from the bed, haphazardly throwing on his robe in his haste. "I'm sorry, Shuichi. I don't know what happened."

"I told you it was okay, Yuki." Shuichi scrambled to the edge of the bed, frowning at the agitated display of his pacing lover who was attempting to smoke his entire pack of cigarettes at once. "Hey, why don't I go take a shower while you order us room service now? You wanted to call them and order ages ago. You're probably just really hungry. I shouldn't have tried to seduce you while you were so hungry."

Embarrassed and ridden with guilt that Shuichi was trying to defend him, to justify this atrocity, Eiri mutely nodded his head, pacing feet giving up and allowing him to finally settle into an arm chair by the window.

Shuichi's nude form disappeared into the bathroom once he was certain Eiri was sufficiently placated.

When he couldn't see Shuichi any longer, Eiri heaved a weary sigh and picked up the hotel phone receiver on the side table, dialing the number for room service. In a few short minutes, he'd finished placing their order – Eiri hadn't needed to look at a menu of their delights; they would simply acquire anything he asked for, of course – and returned to his feet to pace.

Undeniably, Eiri was drawn to his briefcase. Cigarette smoke slowly circling his head from the burning stick he bit between tensed teeth, Eiri snapped open the leather case before him, leafing through a mess of crumpled papers and hastily-written scraps. The blond carefully read his airplane confession again, absorbing it, committing his sin to memory. If Eiri was good at anything, it was self-destruction.

He couldn't have anybody read this. He couldn't allow anyone to know this. It was already ruining his life. Eiri determinedly chucked all the papers into the metal waste basket, kicking the bin out from under the desk.

Unlocking the sliding glass doors, Eiri stepped out onto the balcony with the basket. London was immersed in morning rush hour below, the slowly-creeping sun glinting off dew and haze and obscuring Eiri's view of much of the waking city. He snatched a sheet from inside the basket and lit it with his lighter until its edges gave way, curling and blackening as it was swallowed by the small flame.

Eiri returned the sheet to the waste basket and stepped back inside only when he was certain it would take care of the rest of the evidence.

He couldn't allow anyone to _know_ this! Tatsuha had to keep quiet, even if Eiri had to _pay_ him to shut up!

He was just reaching for his cell phone in the pile of his wrinkled clothes when a sharp knock sounded on their door.

Eiri froze. The shower was softly clattering in the background, Shuichi still blissfully unaware that he'd done anything. Had another guest reported his balcony fire?

In his frazzled state, tightening his robe around his trembling body, Eiri had forgotten he'd ordered room service as he strode to the door and flung it open. "What?"

A neatly-arranged display of silver plates greeted him on a pristine, clothed cart. Eiri dumbly stared at the food before realizing why he'd been bothered, and without a waiter to tip or feign pleasant conversation, he began to roll the cart into his room when a head suddenly popped up from underneath the tablecloth.

"Surprise!" Tohma Seguchi chirped with an impossibly wide smile, holding open his arms for Eiri to fall into.

The hairs on the back of Eiri's neck stood on end, his arms up in self-defense. "W-where did you come from!?"

"From down the hall, Eiri-san. What a silly question."

"You… how did you… room service?"

"I saw him approaching your suite and I kindly urged him to leave it to me, of course. Now where is my tip, Eiri-san?" Tohma's lips puckered as he leaned in.

Begrudgingly, Eiri pulled the cart of food the rest of the way in, resisting slamming the door in his brother-in-law's face as the businessman confidently stepped in without invite.

"It's most interesting that you decided to meet us in London. Shindou-san… hadn't _mentioned _his intent to do so before taking it into his own hands and inviting you."

"I know," Eiri said, coming around the table to remove the plate covers. "I knew it was a bad idea for his productivity, but Shuichi does what he wants." A half shrug of his shoulder. "He hasn't missed or been late to any rehearsals this week, so it hasn't been too big a problem, I hope."

Tohma's nose made the smallest of wrinkles. Eiri's and Shuichi's hotel room smelled unmistakably of… lecherous activity. And something else. Tohma couldn't quite place it. "I will permit it," he drawled, "mostly because I've seen so little of you, Eiri-san. You didn't come in the airport to bid us farewell, and prior to that, you hadn't called in weeks."

"Do you blame me?"

"I most certainly do! Come now, Eiri-san~ Your family is not so bad."

Eiri looked away for just a fleeting moment, toward the balcony where his confessions were slowly becoming cinders. "You have no idea."

"Eiri, how is Mika-chan? I haven't had the time to call for a few days."

"I heard she left Kyoto the other day. She must feel she's nearing her due date if she doesn't want to be far from home, even if the house is empty. Can't you suspend the tour to at least witness the birth of your daughter?"

Eiri's question, while lacking accusation, still unnerved Tohma, the smiling man's face twisting into a scowl as if he'd had to defend his opinion on a prior occasion already. "No."

Even Eiri was surprised by the sudden change in mood. Finding he'd somehow lost his cigarette while emptying his briefcase, Eiri lit another if only to dispel the tension. "Oh."

"You've been smoking in here. That must explain the smell."

"What smell?"

Tohma's nose wrinkled again as he wandered around the room. "That brimstone smell, Eiri-san."

Eiri only smirked and tailed Tohma's wandering feet, as if his brother-in-law would discover something incriminating if left alone. "I wasn't aware of a smell, though it sounds like it suits my disposition. Perhaps it's just my natural smell, Tohma~"

"Eiri-san? Is that… a fire?"

"Come again?"

"Your balcony's on fire!"

"No it's not."

"Get that ice bucket!"

"It's a controlled fire, Tohma. There's no need for this alarm."

"Yuki!? Seguchi-san!?"

Eiri turned his head in time to see Shuichi's towel unraveling and flying off of his still-wet body as the singer lurched for the glass doors Tohma had already flung open, helping his boss to put out the waste basket's fire.

Tohma upended the entire ice bucket onto the flames, and they went out with a hiss, hearing only Shuichi's ragged breathing and his own in the aftermath.

Coming up behind them with Shuichi's towel in tow, Eiri worriedly looked over his lover's shoulder, and was all too pleased to see that the remaining fragments of paper that could be pulled from the ash were charred beyond comprehension. He pushed Shuichi's wet towel into the singer's arms. "Forgetting something?"

Shuichi's face darkened when he realized his towel had fallen in the room, and he was standing nude on a balcony before his boss and the rest of London. "Whoops!"

"Thank you, you two. I don't know what happened…" the novelist mumbled under his breath, not as convincingly as he would have liked.

"Eiri-san, I don't suggest putting out your cigarettes in the waste basket anymore."

"But how did this get outside, Yuki?"

"Perhaps Eiri-san pulled it outside to tap out his ash. Certainly this room has an ash tray! I will complain if they don't." Tohma's face set determinedly and he scanned what he could see of the room through the opened door.

"When did all this happen, Yuki? Oh my god, I was so scared when I saw the fire! I just acted on instinct!"

"Shindou-san… The towel~"

"O-oh, sorry, Seguchi-san. There. It's back on."

"That's… alright, I suppose."

"We're heroes!"

The frantically-exchanged words of his brother-in-law and lover drove him from the balcony, Eiri unable to stand another minute between them. He stepped back inside the room and shut the glass doors to drown out their voices. Moving over to the desk, Eiri found his still-opened and now-emptied briefcase, pushing it closed and snapping the locks into place with a pleasurable finality.

With the evidence destroyed, Eiri knew he only had a call to make before he effectively quashed his paranoia.

* * *

"Hello?"

In the small space between a pillar and the wall, towards the back of the concert venue, Eiri sighed. He couldn't will himself to speak for a few moments, but when the recipient on the other end of the line threatened to hang up, Eiri blurted out a meager greeting.

"Hi."

"Eiri?"

"Um, yes?"

"You actually called me back!"

"I said that I would, didn't I?"

"Like you ever do what you say you're going to do. You said you wouldn't fuck me either."

"You're really getting on my last nerve, Tats," Eiri began through clenched teeth. When the audience gave an impassioned wail – announcers were priming them for the beginning of the show – the novelist paused until he could hear his phone again.

"Are you at a concert? Huh, must be nice!"

"Tatsuha..."

"Eiri, it feels really good to hear your voice. I know you are busy and can't really get away, if you have to call me from a concert hall... but I need you to know that it means a lot to me to hear you. It means a lot to me that... that you remember me."

"_Tatsuha_," Eiri's voice rang more sharply, "I don't understand you. You said you were miserable. You said you weren't happy about the _arrangement_. Please enlighten me on what this is all about. I thought you got what you wanted from me!"

Tatsuha's voice hissed in annoyance. "You thought sex was all I wanted from you? Have you not been listening to _anything_ I've been saying?"

"What ever happened to, 'love and sex: I can't tell the difference because I'm such a slut!'"

"Hey! Don't mock me! I didn't say it like that and you know it!"

"Tatsuha, what exactly do you want from me?"

A loud sigh, and then Eiri was stunned into silence, just listening. "After we fucked, I realized it just wasn't enough. I'm genuinely and truly in love with you, whether you like it or not!" When Tatsuha received no response, he continued: "I don't want to be your friend with benefits anymore. I've been... so depressed, Eiri. I can't eat, I can't sleep. Nothing interests me. My heart feels fucking trampled on and I want to die, every day."

"That's... not normal."

"You're fucking right it's not!" Tatsuha exclaimed, sounding cross. "I've never felt this way about someone before. I feel like my insides are on the outside and that they're bleeding out. Eiri... you're breaking my heart."

The novelist's eyes stared at the stage while he mutely listened. Shadows passed across the platform, setting up instruments and wires, testing microphones for sound. "I... don't know what to say. You're... you're my brother."

That word again. Eiri heard a strangled sob on the other end of the line, and his own heart twisted in his chest. He was listening to the brother he grew up with and shared hand-me-down clothes with now dying, hanging on his every word. His wide, golden eyes lost focus as a jumbo-screen behind the stage flashed on, and brightly dazzled a pixelated image of Shuichi's smiling face. Shutting his eyes, the first tear guiltily crept down Eiri's cheek.

"Tats, please don't cry..."

"I... I..."

"It's just an obsession, Tatsuha. To you, I'm only a drug. These feelings can be unlearned with some therapy..."

"SHUT UP! Don't you fucking tell me that! Do you know how hard my life has been, my feelings locked away and only kept in the dark? Even now... I can't talk about these feelings with anyone but you. They slowly fester inside me until the next time you graciously lend me your time!"

Tatsuha's words were profoundly affecting him, Eiri found as he struggled to breathe, the air around him growing oppressively hot. "What can I do, Tats? What can I do... to help?" Eiri left his most pressing question unspoken: _How do I get you to stop hurting me?_

Tatsuha didn't seem to heed the unspoken question. "Give me another chance! Tell me that when you return to Tokyo, we can at least talk about this, or I'm seriously gonna die!"

Eiri scrubbed the back of his hand over his face. He refused to acknowledge that he was crying. He was simply scratching his nose. "Stop, already... Please, shut up and _stop_ this."

"Stop telling you how much pain I'm in? NO! You need to hear this, you selfish prick!"

Unable to control the welling guilt that surprised him by stinging his eyes, Eiri caved, gripping a hand over his heart and wrinkling his suit. "Alright, alright! When I come home, we can... talk about your feelings, and... reconsider our arrangement."

"Really!?"

"I guess."

"Fuck, Eiri, I think I'm gonna throw up with joy!"

"Sounds... charming."

Tatsuha's voice hitched as if he was also crying. "You... you don't regret it, Eiri?"

_Yes_. But there was no going back now. He was, and it made him sick to realize it, _invested_.

Eiri's unfocused eyes watched the sea of bodies filling in all the empty spaces before the stage. "I don't know. I want to say yes, because of how fucked this has made me so far, but... I... Hearing you cry kind of breaks my heart, too."

"I've never felt this relieved or happy in all my life. Thank you, Eiri, for not hating me! You won't regret this! I'll make this worth your while!"

_Regret_. He already regretted this. Blond lashes, dark and damp with tears, closed over red-rimmed eyes. "Catch you later, then?"

"Sure... School's starting soon. I'm gonna get dressed. Enjoy your night, Eiri. And... thank you again!"

To Eiri's chagrin, Tatsuha's lips smacked loudly and passionately into his ear piece before the line went dead.

Pocketing the phone, Eiri found himself trembling against the pillar, just as the lights dimmed and opening music began to blow out his hearing.

Why was Tatsuha doing this to him?

The spotlight flicked on, and Shuichi bounced onto stage in a glittering two-piece, one Eiri remembered peeling off of him the night before when Shuichi seduced him in the dressing room. The smile Shuichi flashed his audience, innocent, beguiling, and carefree, raked nails over Eiri's heart.

Why was Shuichi doing this to him?

It took all night for Eiri to realize, watching Shuichi happily traipse across the stage, completely oblivious to how Eiri has betrayed his trust, that he'd lost control of the situation a long time ago.

The last time he'd so abruptly lost control of a situation, Eiri had shot someone dead. Realizing that such a solution wouldn't work this time – not that he wanted anyone dead, except maybe Tatsuha, for Eiri's arousal dilemmas the other day – Eiri opted not to make any major decisions tonight. He at least had time to think about this.

But the day would come when he had to make a choice, knowing how determined his younger brother often was.

Never before had returning home seemed so troublesome. Eiri made a mental reminder to extend his stay the following morning. Maybe he wouldn't tell Tatsuha right away, and save himself some uncomfortable placating.

Was it too late to move away and change his identity? It was... Shuichi would certainly find him with that unparalleled radar he called love.

Perhaps he could strike a deal with his therapist. Tatsuha might buy that Eiri suffered a momentary lapse in sanity.

No, none of these would do... Time, Eiri reminded himself as he tipped back his head to make another drink disappear. He had time. Unlike that night in New York when he'd made a hasty choice, Eiri had time to think this one through.

**-TBC-**


	9. Chapter 9

**[Chapter Rated]:** very light NC-17

**[Chapter Warnings]:** Language, non-graphic sexual suggestiveness, depiction of an incestuous relationship

**[Pairings]:** Eiri x Shuichi, Tatsuha x Eiri, Tatsuha x Shuichi, eventual Tatsuha x Eiri x Shuichi? WHO KNOWS. :]

**[Disclaimer]:** The characters in this piece belong to Maki Murakami and co.

**[Author's Notes]:** The timeline is set at some arbitrary time mid-series within the manga/anime. Title inspired by the song with the same name by The All-American Rejects. Thank you to my girlfriend, Sonya Omun, for her beta help as always.

I can't believe I'm already at chapter 9 on this one! And I can't believe how long it's been since my last update. ^^;;;; Well~ dlagh;dalghdaf;h I immigrated to another country in that time, okay!? My mind has been a busy, busy bee.

This is dedicated to KusoGaki for being patient with my lazy ass. I hope this "fic tease" doesn't disappoint.

I hope everyone is still enjoying the story! Comments and constructive critique are welcomed and appreciated!

* * *

**Dirty Little Secret**

**-Chapter 9-**

Eiri rolled his head into the shower spray, darkening and saturating blond bangs over his shut eyes. In the roar of water, Eiri couldn't hear his labored breathing, the blood rushing through his ears, and especially not the occasional guilty sniffle of his nose.

Just outside the shower curtain, on the marble sink of their new hotel room, sat his cell phone, the black screen fogged up with steam. Five minutes before, when Eiri had been dry, holding it covetously in his hand, the screen had been filled with the image of Tatsuha. Specifically, a picture message his brother had sent him that afternoon to remind Eiri just how much Tatsuha had been thinking of him – the swollen, purpled, sweating erection in Tatsuha's hand had spoken loudly enough.

Eiri's eyes had threatened to pop from his head, and he'd made a beeline to the bathroom, twisting the shower knob to its coldest temperature. The clatter of water, the hiss of cloth falling upon the tile floor, the clink of an expensive watch being placed on the counter – all this had made worse Eiri's uneasiness, destroying his conscience until he was blinking around tears.

But ever the glutton, capable of justifying anything, the blond novelist had found himself indulging in short time. He'd raised the temperature until steam licked the bathroom mirror. Eiri stepped into the water, circling fingers around his stirring arousal. The picture on his phone had seared into his memory, and when Eiri had closed his eyes, he saw Tatsuha's thin, lightly-muscled body before him, pressing closer. Large hands roughly groped Eiri until his breath had been as thick as the shower steam. Tatsuha's voice in his ear had become both an impatient whine and a beckoning plea. But most provocatively, Tatsuha's lidded eyes had met his and stole Eiri's breath, along with his climax. Eiri had never seen a more seductive stare. Except maybe upon...

"Yuki?"

Yes, Shuichi... Shuichi's eyes could similarly look upon him and hitch his breath, make Eiri stammer and forget what he'd been saying. If he got Tatsuha and Shuichi together in the same room, Eiri wondered how he'd fare...

"Yuki? Are you okay?"

Eiri's eyes slowly opened, blinking away water, when he realized that Shuichi's voice sounded closer than he imagined. His body sluggish with orgasm, the blond pivoted on his heel and frowned, seeing a shadowed form moving outside the shower curtain.

Before he could say anything, Shuichi's face peeked between the curtain and the wall, startling him into taking a step back.

Frowning, Shuichi slid into the shower, also undressed. "You didn't hear me come in?"

"No," Eiri gasped, feeling suddenly angry at having been disturbed. "What are you doing here? I thought you were at rehearsals."

"I was," the singer began, moving closer to get warm under the shower spray, "but I had to come see you, so I, um, left."

Eiri resisted the urge to take another step back, letting Shuichi curl his arms around his waist in greeting. The hairs on the back of his neck stood on end. If Shuichi had come in just a minute before... if he had borrowed Eiri's phone, the image of Tatsuha just one button click away... Eiri was too unnerved by Shuichi's timing, slicking back his wet hair from his scowling face. "You _left_? You know Tohma's gonna kill you, right?"

Because Eiri had extended his vacation, he'd been forced to follow alongside the traveling bands onto their next two tour locations, the current being Berlin. Tohma's quiet disapproval had grown more obvious with the passing days, all too aware of Shuichi's diverted attentions. Eiri hadn't heard a peep from him, though – he assumed Tohma was feeling the pressure of organizing their joint tours while waiting on baby news from Mika.

"I know, I know. I shouldn't have just bailed. But... something's been on my mind, Yuki, and I had to come see you!"

"You're right, you shouldn't have left," Eiri muttered, feeling awkward and out of place in Shuichi's arms for the first time.

"Yuki... I want to know if you still care about me."

Eiri's heart stilled, and it took great effort for him to croak out, "Wh-what? What was that?"

Shuichi fidgeted against him, lowering his eyes. "I probably sound really insecure right now. Heh, I don't even know why I'm asking. I just... I had a feeling, and then I had a bad dream last night that's lingered with me all morning, and then the other day, when you... No, no, that wasn't your fault. You know what? I'm sorry for bringing this all up! I'll just leave..."

With all the abruptness of Shuichi's arrival, the singer withdrew his hug and began stepping out of the shower. Until Eiri snatched his wrist and tugged him back inside.

"Idiot... I flew all the way out here to see you, didn't I?"

"I know! I know. None of these feelings are rational or make sense. I'm just being insecure for no reason."

"Shuichi... Tell me about your dream."

Shuichi's stammering apologies stopped, and Eiri watched as the other's bright, purple eyes glossed over with tears. Shuichi loudly sniffled before whispering, so softly that Eiri had to lower his head to hear over the water. "I had a dream that... that you didn't love me anymore."

Panic settled onto Eiri's shoulders like a wet blanket. Shuichi's tearful eyes meeting his robbed him of words for a long time. Did Shuichi... know?

Finally, Eiri sputtered, drops of water flying from his lips, "Why would you think that? Where are these thoughts coming from?"

"I don't know! I told you... I'm not making a lot of sense. It was just a stupid dream. Really."

Eiri had been so careful. He'd burned the papers. He'd meticulously covered his tracks every step of the way. There was no way Shuichi could have found out already. "You're right."

Shuichi's mouth fell open, and Eiri could see the nervous gears turning behind his eyes. "What do you... mean?"

"You do sound insecure right now."

"Oh..." Shuichi's cheeks flushed with relief. "Oh. Sorry."

The novelist's hands clasped Shuichi's naked hips, and tugged the boy closer, until wet skin met wet skin, and he nudged his nose into the sopping mane of pink hair to breathe Shuichi in. "You know how I feel."

"I know..."

"If reassurance is what you're asking for, then I'll tell you now that my feelings haven't changed."

Shuichi's head moved beneath his lips, craning up to stare Eiri in the face. "Really...?"

"I flew here to see you. I've spent every day since at your side. Now I'm verbally telling you that I care. Is there anything else, any further redundancy, that I've somehow overlooked?"

Shuichi's blushing cheeks darkened, sensing Eiri's sarcasm, and his innocently-curled fingers twisted into Eiri's back. "One last thing."

"Oh? Enlighten me, my selfish brat."

Sharp nails pricked goosebumps to life on Eiri's skin, Shuichi's fingers gliding down Eiri's muscled torso to end at the sensitive indents above his ass. Shuichi pressed their wet pelvises together, and under the heated shower spray, gave a tantalizing gyrate of his hips. "Prove it to my body."

Eiri's skin froze, despite the temperature. Shuichi's lithe body, slippery, hot, and flushed red with sensitivity, stood pleading before him, between his arms. He knew what Shuichi meant, what he clearly intended. And Eiri knew that he was in trouble.

He'd gotten off just before Shuichi barged into the bathroom. Eiri had watched his seed wash away from glinting shower tiles, the water erasing his sticky guilt from between his fingers. There was no way that he'd be able to maintain another erection so shortly after orgasming. But Shuichi couldn't know that.

Shuichi couldn't know that he'd been hard, couldn't know that he was able to achieve an erection and also finish – not after Eiri's one or two humiliating, failed attempts at doing so during the week. Shuichi would be offended. Shuichi would demand an explanation.

"Yuki," the singer purred against Eiri's neck, his hot collarbone meeting the tip of an even hotter and wetter tongue.

Making up his mind, Eiri took Shuichi by the shoulders, and gently urged him backwards. Kneeling his head, he kissed the startled singer on the lips, his thumb tenderly stroking Shuichi's wet cheek. "You want proof that I love you?" he softly murmured against the other's skin.

Eiri flipped Shuichi's small form around, pushing him to the edge of the shower. "You know that I love you because I'm ordering that you go back to rehearsals now, and quit slacking off. Your music means too much to you, and I refuse to be a distraction."

Shuichi was understandably surprised by the turn of the events, and stared at Eiri over his shoulder with wide eyes. At Eiri's stern look, he obeyed, climbing out of the shower stall and bundling into an oversized towel.

As Shuichi began to dress again, he warily peeked back into the shower. "Are you sure, Yuki...?"

"Go," Eiri urged, refusing to look at Shuichi as he faced the shower head and applied soap to his hand. He couldn't look now, though it hurt him not to stare after his young, vulnerable boyfriend. Shuichi might see the lie in his eyes if he did.

Placated by his lover's sacrifice, Shuichi smiled at the back of Eiri's head. "Thank you... I will see you in a few hours, handsome!"

Eiri listened for the click of the bathroom door closing before he hung his head, forehead against the tile. He'd narrowly escaped. But his luck wouldn't last forever, he knew.

It wasn't until he stepped out of the shower and caught sight of the bare counter that he realized just how briefly his luck had lasted.

His phone. The one he'd placed on the corner of the sink in favor of his shower jerk-off. The one he'd been using to text Tatsuha all this time. The one with the image of Tatsuha's naked cock still pulled up on screen, just one click away when the phone was turned back on. _Gone_.

After a brief search around the sink and floor, the missing phone not turning up anywhere, Eiri's heart stopped with the knowledge that Shuichi must have taken it.

He and Shuichi had matching cell phones – Shuichi's stupid request, of course. The vocalist must have thought the cell phone had been his. WHY WOULD HE THINK THAT? WOULDN'T SHUICHI HAVE REMEMBERED LEAVING HIS PHONE THERE?

Eiri knew it was a poor time to panic, but he couldn't stop the frantic drumming of his heart, his hand on the counter as he exhaled labored breaths toward the floor. If Shuichi turned that phone on, he could see...!

He would _know_. And even if he didn't realize right away that the picture was of Tatsuha – it was admittedly an anonymous angle that didn't show his brother's face – Shuichi would know that Eiri was challenging his fidelity behind Shuichi's back. He'd start asking questions. He'd start _investigating_. And then what would he find?

Sliding across wet tiles, then dripping all over plush carpet, Eiri barged nude and wet into the room to snatch up the hotel phone. He began to dial his cell phone number, but froze before the last two digits, replacing the receiver with an annoyed expletive. If he called his phone, then he would guarantee that Shuichi would see it! He couldn't draw any attention to the stupid thing. Maybe he could call Shuichi's phone instead?

Eiri did just that, impatiently tapping his foot while the phone connected after an unfathomably long two seconds. To his horror, Shuichi's ring-tone, _The Rage Beat_, began to loudly wail behind him. The blond turned and glowered at the lit-up phone vibrating on the coffee table.

"You have _got_ to be kidding me!" Eiri roared and slammed down the hotel phone.

There was a very real possibility that he would have to wait for Shuichi to come home to switch their phones. But could he wait that long?

Even more alarmingly... could Tatsuha?

* * *

"YO, SHUICHI!"

Slinking down the hallway, baseball cap drawn low over his eyes, Shuichi froze like a deer in headlights. Warily, he turned and saw Ryuichi Sakuma bounding down the hall in a full sprint, Kumagoro raised over his head with both hands. Shuichi relaxed when he saw his idol – he'd been worried it was going to be his manager instead – and held up his hands to brace himself for the greeting.

"Shuichi! There you are!"

"S-Sakuma-san! H-hi...!"

Ryuichi wrestled Shuichi to the ground, shoving Kumagoro into the other's face. "Where were you!?"

Shuichi held his breath, lips shaking as he innocently smiled. "What do you mean, Sakuma-san?"

"You disappeared from rehearsal! We've been looking all over for you! Were you at the hotel with Yuki-san?"

"U-uh, no! No!"

"Then why is your hair wet?" Kumagoro's nose pushed into the fluffy, damp ends of Shuichi's pink hair.

The young singer frowned, giving Ryuichi a guilty look. It was impossible to lie to the other, who saw more than others gave him credit for. "I'm sorry... Did Seguchi-san or K-san notice?"

The older man stared at Shuichi for a long time before finally sliding off. Ryuichi got to his feet, his smiling face quickly dying away. He didn't offer Shuichi a hand up. Instead, the Nittle Grasper vocalist stared down at Shuichi's supine form with a cold and unsympathetic scowl. "Yes. Shuichi – you're fired!"

"What!?" He couldn't believe what he was hearing! Shuichi lurched forward, setting worried eyes upon Ryuichi, who looked so serious and angered with him! It must have been true! Shuichi scrambled ungracefully to his feet, nearly crying. "What!?"

Ryuichi only stared back, eyes betraying nothing. But after seeing tears prick Shuichi's eyes, convinced the younger believed him, Ryuichi reared back his head and began howling with laughter, seriousness gone away as quickly as it had come. Kumagoro shook against Ryuichi's shuddering ribs as the other panted for breath. "Just kidding! They didn't notice! I came to get you before they did!"

Shuichi's face darkened with anger, but before he could raise his voice, a door down the hall opened and his band mates emerged with soured faces. Shuichi blanched.

"How convenient of you to return, Shindou-san," Suguru muttered under his breath, brushing past Shuichi in favor of a drink from the water fountain.

"Hey, I was only gone for a minute!"

Hiro brought his hand down on the back of Shuichi's head. "You dummy! What the fuck are you doing!? Those kind of stunts may have worked when we were in high school, but not now! Do you want Seguchi-san to cut our leg of the tour early?"

Bowing to pick up the baseball cap the guitarist had knocked from his head, Shuichi whined, "No... I'm sorry, guys! I really am. I just meant to be gone for maybe fifteen minutes, max. I didn't think anyone would notice."

"Shu," Hiro said while chuckling, cracking his knuckles to pound Shuichi again, "You're the lead vocalist. Uh, yeah, someone's gonna notice!"

Ryuichi turned to retreat once the members of Bad Luck were together, but he gave Shuichi a final stern look in parting. Shuichi dumbly stared at the retreating back of his idol before turning his attention back to Hiro.

"Can we go to the cafeteria, Hiro? There's some stuff I want to talk about."

Adjusting the collar of his leather jacket, Hiro nodded toward the direction of the cafeteria in invitation. "Sure. We're on break now."

"How convenient of Shindou-san to return during break," Suguru said again as he disappeared back into the room from which they'd emerged, Shuichi putting Hiro in between them this time to hide from the Seguchi family's wrath.

"What's up, Shu?"

"Why did Sakuma-san look so mad!?"

"You're letting Yuki-san get in your way, Shuichi. He's becoming more of a hindrance than a help right now."

"How many times have I snuck away? ONCE! Why is everyone treating me like a horrible person? I've done everything else that I'm supposed to do!"

Hiro held up his hands in defense as they continued down the hall. "I don't have a problem with it! I'm just sayin' what they're sayin'. Maybe they're jealous? Maybe they're sick of you two? How do I friggin' know."

Shuichi crossed his arms, glaring at the floor in front of him. "Well, they're not gonna have to worry much longer..."

That caught the guitarist's attention, who glanced at his long-time friend from the corner of his eye. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that... I'm worried. Yuki's acting funny."

The duo finally stepped into the empty, quiet cafeteria, making a beeline for some beverages. Hiro pulled out a few euros from his pocket to slip into the vending machine, and ordered Shuichi and himself some colas. "Funny how? What did he do this time?"

"This past week, we've been... having... oh gods, how do I say this?"

Hiro gestured to a nearby table, sensing this was a sitting-down kind of conversation. "Just say it."

"Bedroom... problems. I guess. B-but, not consistently! Sometimes it's fine, sometimes it... doesn't happen, and that's not a problem we've ever had before. Yuki would be so mad if he heard me saying this..."

Hiro leaned back in his chair, unfazed by Shuichi's personal reveal. He'd gotten used to them by now. "So this is a recent development?"

"Y-yeah. Just since he came here on tour. It started in London."

"What do you think is going on?"

"I... don't have a stinkin' clue. And you know, just now when I went back to our room, I found him in the shower and was hoping we could have a quickie, but... he turned me down. It was actually really sweet, the way he said it."

"So you're upset that Yuki-san did something sweet?"

"Yes! Precisely!"

Hiro blinked at Shuichi, losing sympathy quickly. "You lost me."

"Yuki would never turn down sex. Even if it did destroy my career by keeping me out late! It's totally weird that he thought of me first!"

"Seriously? I thought you complained before about him being _too_ ravenous. Now you're whining that he won't give you enough sex. Won't you make up your mind?"

"Yeah, I did complain about how much he wanted it at one point, but this is... a noticeable change in his behavior. Isn't that something to worry about?"

"Maybe he's just getting older and the flames are coolin' a bit," Hiro suggested as he crushed his empty can, clearly unconvinced.

"What? Eiri Yuki!? No way that's possible!"

"Happens to the best of us, Shu. Don't hate."

Growling in frustration, Shuichi tugged on his hair, looking guiltily away. Hiro didn't see it as a problem, but something inside Shuichi was nagging, and he couldn't readily ignore it. The pink-haired singer stared into the bubbling cola, heaving a weary sigh. "Maybe I'm overreacting. People can act differently on vacation."

"Yuki-san and you are both probably stressed now, ya know. I wouldn't worry about it until we're all back home. If he's still acting weird there, then we can revisit this conversation."

Shuichi's heart plummeted into his stomach as something occurred to him. "Hiro, do you think... could any of this have something to do with me?"

"Like what?"

"Does Yuki... not find me attractive anymore? Am I doing something... wrong?"

Hiro scoffed, already shaking his head before Shuichi had finished speaking. "I really don't think so, Shu. That's just speculation. Yuki-san's made it quite clear in the past when there was something he didn't like. Like I said, wait till you're both home and see how he is then."

Shuichi tried tempering his paranoia with a few well-intended, deep breaths. He was getting himself worked up over speculation, just as Hiro said. He had no tangible proof that anything was wrong.

After draining the last of his drink, he and Hiro both got up and returned to the studio to practice Shuichi's vocals. K greeted him with a forced smile at the door, but as Shuichi progressed inside, he heard a metallic clank and turned just to see his blond manager sitting on a seat against the door, settling a semi-automatic weapon over his crossed knees. Shuichi laughed nervously and threw himself back into work.

Eiri was definitely distracting, but if he didn't want the boss to end short their romantic vacation, Shuichi knew he had to take his work more seriously right now. Hopefully by tonight, Eiri wouldn't be quite as weird.

Shuichi slipped on his headphones just as his cell phone began to vibrate with a new message. He didn't notice, and began to sing.

* * *

A gentle wind picked up, tugging the end of Tatsuha's grease towel as he wiped each finger clean. The brunet teen walked around his disassembled motorcycle and settled onto the floor of the garage for a break. He paused a moment to appreciate good weather and a hobby that posed a pleasing distraction, but it didn't take long for Tatsuha to cave in to the reason his heart was nagging. He picked up his cell phone that he'd set on an overturned cardboard box.

The voluptuous woman he'd chosen as his backdrop did little to soothe his disappointment in seeing that he had no new messages to read. "What the hell, Eiri!?" Tatsuha muttered to himself, wiping the sweat from his brow and smudging a bit of grease there. "You're on vacation! It's not like you're _busy_! Message me, dammit!"

But Tatsuha's vehemence didn't even sound convincing to himself, coming off as more sad than anything. Eiri had always been hot and cold – why did this come as some surprise that he often picked and chose which messages of Tatsuha's to respond to? Shuichi probably suffered the same treatment.

_Shuichi_. Tatsuha frowned, staring down at his bike with unfocused eyes. He wondered how the little firework was doing, and if he and Eiri were enjoying one another, or ripping out each other's throats at this point (both a very viable possibility).

Must have been nice to go touring in Europe... Tch. So much for that invitation. Tatsuha's heart wrenched as he put his phone away.

He wanted so badly to be there, to see Eiri and Shuichi, even if he would have to be a third-wheel kept apart by the fan crowd. It sure beat his pastoral, small-time living here, sweeping a dusty temple or doing homework alone in his room.

Tatsuha didn't realize for how long he'd been staring off into space until he felt a broom handle jab him in the side, and he brought up his knees as protection, glaring up at his father who had surprised him in the garage. "DAD! STOP!"

The Uesugi priest tapped the broom on the floor in annoyance. "Tatsuha, why didn't you answer me!? I shouted for you!"

Tatsuha rubbed his sore ribs and rose to his feet. He really hadn't heard anything, instead checking his phone again and offering the old man his detached attention. "I was day-dreaming, Dad. Get over it! What do you want?"

"Don't talk to me that way!"

"Did you just come here to yell at me or was there a reason?"

Tatsuha expected to be smacked for that, but shockingly his father let it go, holding up his own cell phone instead. That had always amused Tatsuha – a monk with a cell phone. It had always been a gripe of his father's that his children were too westernized, but certain fruits apparently proved too tempting for Mr.-High-and-Righteous.

Uesugi-san appeared nervous as he shouted, sensing Tatsuha already losing focus: "It's Mika-chan! She's driving to the hospital!"

That only meant one thing. But nothing about his father's statement seemed right. Tatsuha leveled with an incredulous look, "She drove herself to the hospital!?"

"Yes! We must go meet her. Swiftly, Tatsuha!"

"But..." The youngest Uesugi looked over all the pieces of his disassembled motorcycle, feeling his pulse quicken. "How!?"

"Call a cab, you dolt!" And as quickly as he'd arrived, the old man shuffled off, probably to change and grab his coat.

Swinging into action, Tatsuha snatched up his cell phone to dial the number of a cab service. While the phone rang, he jogged inside the house to change out of his grease-stained clothing.

Mika... driving herself to the hospital while in labor. She could have asked her chauffeur, or called a cab herself, but Mika's pride likely made the decision for her. Tatsuha reveled at how enormously special his siblings were.

And Tatsuha found another perfect excuse to blow up Eiri's phone.

* * *

Exhausted feet led Shuichi to the hotel room door, and after fumbling for the key card in his overstuffed bag, the tired singer finally produced the plastic when said door busted wide open.

Shuichi's eyes bulged as Eiri's face came into view, looking far more relieved to see him than Shuichi could have ever hoped for. "Yuki?"

"Thank gods you're home!" Eiri all but launched himself at Shuichi, lifting the younger male off of his feet as he hugged him. Releasing Shuichi a bit sooner than the singer would have liked, Eiri promptly snatched up his backpack, clearing Shuichi's hands. "Let me get that for you!"

Humbled and flattered, Shuichi floated inside behind Eiri, his body tingling where his lover had embraced him. "You... you missed me, Yuki~?"

Eiri's perspiring hands dived into the bag and rifled through the clutter, items falling out onto the carpet around him. "I've literally been counting the minutes..."

"Really!?" The pink-haired singer came around to where Eiri had his back turned, obsessively picking through Shuichi's belongings. "Yuki, I-! Um... Yuki? What are you doing?"

The blond was silent as he looked, actions becoming more exaggerated as he fell short of what he was searching for. WHERE WAS IT!? Eiri couldn't find it! Items continued to topple from the bag to carelessly roll away on the floor.

Shuichi held up his hands to grab what he could catch. As more of his belongings were disrespectfully discarded, his face grew more red with anger. "Yuki! Stop it! What the hell are you doing!?"

When Eiri was sure his cell phone wasn't there, he flung the backpack onto a side table, and turned to Shuichi with poorly-concealed fury. "Where the fuck is my phone!?"

"Um," Shuichi countered with mild surprise, "with you, I'm guessing...?"

"NO! You took it this morning instead of your own! Where the fuck did you put it!?"

The younger male took a step back, angry and startled by Eiri's sudden change in mood. This didn't feel right at all. "I did? Then where is my cell phone? I left it here?"

Eiri's fingers dug into his hairline. It took all his strength not to scream out his frustrations. "Yes, you left it on the coffee table. Now WHERE is it!?"

Shuichi didn't know why he asked it. It spilled from his lips without any thought at all. "Why do you need it back so badly? Why didn't you just use mine?"

He'd even surprised Eiri with the question. Eiri's wild eyes stared down at Shuichi as he gritted his teeth, seething, thrumming with anger that he was sure the other could feel in the air. Eiri _needed_ that phone back! Had Shuichi lost it? What if it ended up in the hands of the paparazzi?

Eiri was at a loss for words, uncertain how to explain this under-his-skin feeling without giving his lies away. Shuichi, however, stayed where he was, standing his ground before Eiri with an accusatory frown that made the crazed blond want to stop breathing. Shuichi's eyes could kill - he'd seen the phone! It was unmistakable! Shuichi looked too angry to still be in the dark.

The only thing that broke their standoff was the sudden ringing of Eiri's cell phone from Shuichi's back pocket. Eiri watched wide-eyed as Shuichi slid the phone out from his jeans and shoved it into Eiri's chest without so much as a glance at who was calling.

"There's your precious phone," Shuichi muttered under his breath, obviously livid as he stormed past Eiri and into the bathroom.

Eiri cradled the phone as he stood alone in the room, realizing how quickly he'd escalated the situation. There were far, far better ways he could have handled that. Eiri cursed his dumb nerves as he answered with a surly, "What?"

"Hey, Eiri!"

The blond slowly closed his eyes when he recognized his brother's voice. Tatsuha was the last fucking human being he wanted to talk to right now. "Asshole..."

"Huh? What?"

"Do you have _any_ idea what you put me through today!?"

Tatsuha chuckled, lighthearted and carefree. It made Eiri's ears flush with rage. "Nope. Hey, Eiri, listen: Mika-chan's in labor. Dad wants you to come home now."

That caught Eiri's attention. The novelist's scorn lifted in favor of his curiosity. "Mika's what?"

"She's at the hospital and Dad and I are in a cab to go see her. You should board a plane ASAP and get over here! You'll probably miss the labor, but I don't think you'll regret that much."

Eiri felt a chill prickle his skin where he stood staring at the wall. Sure, he'd loosely promised Mika he'd come back if she went into labor while he was away, but now returning home meant something very different to him. Something he'd been adamant to avoid.

"Eiri? You still there?" On the other end, Eiri could hear his father saying something about a loss of family values. Tatsuha snorted and issued another direction to what Eiri assumed was the cab driver.

With a weary sigh, the novelist conceded. "Alright. I'll fly back tonight or tomorrow."

"Really!?" Tatsuha sounded far too excited. Considering he was sitting right next to their father.

Eiri's skin crawled. "Yeah. I'll tell Tohma."

"See you soon, Eiri!"

When the line died and Eiri dropped his hand, nervously looking down at the screen of his phone, he saw all the alerts, all the unread text and picture messages Tatsuha had apparently sent him that day. A quick look through the day's inbox showed Eiri that Shuichi hadn't, in fact, opened anything on his phone that afternoon. Perhaps the other had been too busy at work. Or maybe Eiri had too good of luck for someone as rotten as he was.

Eiri turned around and Shuichi stood scowling in the doorway of the bathroom, his arms crossed and his eyelids swollen red. He'd been crying. Eiri wracked his brain as to why, but then he remembered all the yelling and the accusing. It was enough to enrage any innocent man. Eiri knew now in hindsight that his behavior had been deplorable.

"We need to talk." Shuichi's voice was clipped and quiet.

The chill over Eiri's skin became no less than arctic. "I'm sorry, Shuichi."

"You've never spoken to me that way before."

"I was out of line. I know it. I'm sorry, Shuichi."

"Why would you be so mean to me!? What did I do? Are you... are you hiding something from me? I don't understand..."

Eiri's heart lurched when Shuichi began to cry again, but he had little time for this now. He had to buy a return ticket as soon as possible. Surely Shuichi would understand that. "Mika-chan went into labor. They want me to come home, Shuichi."

The young singer stopped crying for the barest of seconds. "They... what?"

"I have to go home now. Vacation's over."

Shuichi's face stilled, the tears drying. It suddenly all made sense. Eiri had been so eager to have his phone near because he'd been expecting this important phone call. His mouth fell open as he crooned, "Oh, Yuki, that's so exciting! B-but...!" It'd still be a few weeks before Shuichi would get to come home and see him again.

Eiri was already plugging in his laptop before Shuichi had finished speaking. "I have to buy my return ticket. If I don't make it before she leaves the hospital, I'll never hear the end of it."

"Sure, sure!" Bustling behind Eiri, Shuichi hugged him around the shoulders, trying to reign in his mixed emotions. He was going to miss him, but... They'd had their fun. He had work to do still.

As if reading his mind, Eiri mused, "I should let Tohma know, or I won't hear the end of _that_ either." He turned his head, bumping Shuichi's cheek with his smirking lips. "He'll be happy to be rid of me, for once. You'll finally quit slacking around here. Maybe even get some work done."

Shuichi grinned, hoping to help. "I'll get him on the phone!" Without thinking, he reached for Eiri's cell phone that still lay by the novelist's elbow. What did it matter? It was closer, and this was exciting news for the Seguchi family!

In horrifying slow motion, Eiri watched his hand smack Shuichi's away, and grip the phone in his own white-knuckled fist. For seconds, there was only silence as the novelist cursed his lack of calm. He hadn't even meant to. It felt like instinct.

But Shuichi had taken the small, possibly playful gesture too seriously, so soon burned by Eiri's outburst. With shocked eyes, his lips screwed up as if biting back tears, Shuichi darted back into the bathroom and slammed the door shut behind him.

It was the most wrong of moves. Still filled with insecurity, Shuichi grabbed the sink and shouted into the mirror. Hiro was wrong – he hadn't seen what Shuichi had just seen! Shuichi _knew_ something was wrong, could feel it deeply inside. Intuition wasn't wrong in these matters!

Eiri had already gotten his important call. There was no more reason for him to be so protective of that cell phone! And there was no way Shuichi could now convince Eiri to fess up, with Eiri leaving tomorrow. His secrets would leave with him. The cell phone business, the frustrating sex – he was hiding something! Shuichi was convinced of it now!

In all of Eiri's years, in all of his affairs, never before had he made so many grave errors. He was way more smooth than this! If he was floundering this much, Eiri figured it went to show just how much he loved Shuichi, and how afraid he was of showing his own ass. This could destroy everything.

He said he would think this through, make a decision about how to handle all this. But between Tatsuha's neediness and Shuichi's carelessness, he hadn't had much time to think – oh, who was he kidding by now? He'd failed to handle it! Eiri had fucked this one up.

For the first time in years, the novelist had been rendered speechless, silently navigating his laptop for the next several minutes until he had a plane ticket booked. Shuichi's sobs and banging hands could be heard from the bathroom until they eventually quieted down. Eiri wanted to go to him, but didn't know what he could say after his actions had so loudly spoken for themselves.

Shuichi didn't come out of the bathroom for the rest of the evening. Eiri's suitcase sat packed by the door as he dressed for the morning, stealing glances towards the silent bathroom and wondering how to word his goodbye. With any luck, in a few weeks when Shuichi returned home, this would have all blown over and they would be back to normal. Or this could take the worst of turns and this goodbye would be his last moment seeing Shuichi ever again.

Eiri had always known it was a risk when he started this game, but now faced with it, he couldn't believe how much it hurt. To worry that Shuichi may not forgive him for this had turned Eiri's dreams into visions of hell, had kept him up all night to stare burning eyes up at the lonely ceiling fan that clicked and clicked and made more noticeable the silence from the bathroom where Shuichi holed up.

This was it. He could walk away and shatter the final vestiges of their quasi-relationship that they'd worked so hard to build up. Or he could be honest with himself and do something so unlike the old Eiri Yuki, apologize for his stupid mistakes and give themselves a chance at recovery. The decision was in Shuichi's hands – a most scary prospect – but Eiri could at least try. And most importantly, he _wanted_ to try.

With a groan and eyes that stung in a way they rarely did, Eiri yanked open the bathroom door to finally confront his nightmare. And Shuichi was nowhere to be found. Eiri's mouth fell open. This he hadn't expected.

Shuichi had obviously left sometime during the night. He'd robbed Eiri of the chance to make things better. There were no notes or goodbyes. Shuichi didn't care to see Eiri off.

Nodding to himself, slipping instantly into numbness to avoid the quell of frustration and pain, Eiri turned and left.

**-TBC-**


End file.
